Jealousy and Insecurity

[prairienomad]

I am coming to you guys for some relationship advice.

I am struggling to come to terms with feelings of jealousy and insecurity. One of the things that broke V and up was that I felt that he honoured his sister over me all the time. He would talk to her all the time and they seemed more like a couple than we did. (we all lived in the same house.) It wasn't that I was jealous of them talking, but that we didn't talk but he always spent his time and attention on her, while he put me down at the same time.

The other night he mentioned something about her, and those old feelings came back, and I started to get kind of mad at him. I knew this was wrong, because he had not done anything.

He said then, like he said many times before that, "jealousy is a turnoff," and he got mad at me. It was just like old times.

This morning, I talked to him about it, and asked why it was such a turnoff for him. He said that it made him feel like he couldn't be himself, and that I was trying to control him. I don't want to be this way, but I do struggle with a feeling of insecurity around other women. He did not cheat on me and I know a lot of this is my issue.

Does anyone have any advice as to how to get past this? I don't like feeling this way. I know it is related to insecurity in regards to myself and my past. This trait in myself scares me when it comes to relationships.

[rocko]

You have to make a personal choice to change. There are self help books...I cant name one.

[tiredofhiscrap]

First it sounds like you are in a bad relationship. A relationship should make you feel good about yourself. You should feel cherished not jealous. You should beable to be yourself without any worries.
Is there any reason that you are jealous, I have found in my life that when i feel that way there is normally a reason.
It may be that he isnt giving you what you need. Talk to him, tell him you need more, if he cant give it, find somebody that can.

[jules]

tiredofhiscrap said:

First it sounds like you are in a bad relationship. A relationship should make you feel good about yourself. You should feel cherished not jealous. You should beable to be yourself without any worries.
Is there any reason that you are jealous, I have found in my life that when i feel that way there is normally a reason.
It may be that he isnt giving you what you need. Talk to him, tell him you need more, if he cant give it, find somebody that can.

Whoa, first of all jealousy and insecurity are not signs that one is in a bad relationship! They are signs that one is jealous and insecure because of what could be a variety of reasons. Yes, you should be able to be yourself, but let's face it: jealousy IS a turn off. Can you imagine dating (or being married to) someone who was clingy and questioning your every move? Yuck.

However I do agree with talking with him about it. My friend went through something similar. Her fiance is a prince. Once she opened up to him about her feelings (which were largely based on being cheated on in a previous relationship) he is proactive about making sure she has no reasons to be jealous -- really going above and beyond, such as always making an effort to let her know where he'll be, who with, etc. And he doesn't mind doing it. Because it was HIS idea, not hers.

However the feelings are likely bigger than just the confines of the relationship and for that one needs to look within oneself and figure out how to increase one's self esteem -- possibly with the help of a therapist or perhaps a self-help book as rocko suggested, to give suggestions and exercises to do so.

[tiredofhiscrap]

jules2576 said:

tiredofhiscrap said:

First it sounds like you are in a bad relationship. A relationship should make you feel good about yourself. You should feel cherished not jealous. You should beable to be yourself without any worries.
Is there any reason that you are jealous, I have found in my life that when i feel that way there is normally a reason.
It may be that he isnt giving you what you need. Talk to him, tell him you need more, if he cant give it, find somebody that can.

Whoa, first of all jealousy and insecurity are not signs that one is in a bad relationship! They are signs that one is jealous and insecure because of what could be a variety of reasons. Yes, you should be able to be yourself, but let's face it: jealousy IS a turn off. Can you imagine dating (or being married to) someone who was clingy and questioning your every move? Yuck.

However I do agree with talking with him about it. My friend went through something similar. Her fiance is a prince. Once she opened up to him about her feelings (which were largely based on being cheated on in a previous relationship) he is proactive about making sure she has no reasons to be jealous -- really going above and beyond, such as always making an effort to let her know where he'll be, who with, etc. And he doesn't mind doing it. Because it was HIS idea, not hers.

However the feelings are likely bigger than just the confines of the relationship and for that one needs to look within oneself and figure out how to increase one's self esteem -- possibly with the help of a therapist or perhaps a self-help book as rocko suggested, to give suggestions and exercises to do so.

Well i guess we will agree to disagree on this one. A little jealous is one thing but this is out of hand. I think it is a unhealth relationship that he isnt giving her what she needs, and yes maybe she needs to much. but to say that and i quote first of all jealousy and insecurity are not signs that one is in a bad relationship! is wrong it may not be in this case but it maybe in another.
You should feel loved and you should return the love not worry about what they are doing and what they say. There is a reason she feels this way. Find the reason fix it or move on.

[Saucy]

I absolutely agree with Jules. Jealousy and insecurity completely stems from low self-esteem.

[kittenhart]

Prairie,
I think you said before that V is Native, and not that this is the only thing to consider, but culturally there are some differences in how he and his sister may relate (different as in how I relate to my brother, for example....and I would say my brother and I are very close, by my standards). Maybe this is how you should think of it, and talk to him about it, and maybe that would be more helpful of a discussion...That being said, you also need to acknowledge that all of you living together in one house like that was very stressful, and he doesn't seem to acknowledge that. He thought it was just fine, probably.

[rocko]

I used to be the crazy jealous person...now I am not. I still have some jealousy, but my husband understands that I need certain things to feel secure in our relationship (ie. we check in with each other out of respect).

Jealousy is something you have to actively work on, but I can see the point of a relationship needing work.

If you were to sit down with him sometime when you aren't upset and explain to him how you feel. In one book I read it says it is better to explain things without accusing. It is hard, but it is possible (sometimes).

okay: "I feel left out because I see how close you are to your sister"

bad:"You make me feel left out because you are only paying attention to your sister."

[jules]

Tiredofhiscrap, I'm sorry, I ought to have said "jealousy and insecurity are not NECESSARILY signs that one is in a bad relationship." It is a possibility. But I still maintain that these feelings are more likely to be due to internal factors rather than external. In most cases. Not all.

I do agree that communication, both parties talking and listening, regarding these feelings is key.

[freckles]

Maybe His Sister is Hostile to You

And that is the problem

[freckles]

Maybe you can makes Friends with his Sister

Bribe Her

Give Her Candy and Twinkies

[sheyd]

I actually agree with both... in this case the jealousy is for a real issue. If he spends more time with and opens up more to his sister, that is jealousy for a REASON. Too often we just dismiss jealousy as something that is bad about the jealous person, when in reality the jealousy is there because there is a problem with the way the people are relating.

Part of the reason we DO that is because jealousy makes people act in ways that are obnoxious - getting angry, checking up on people, picking fights, begging for attention, or (not obnoxious, but definitely uncomfortable-) bringing up relationship issues. So it isn't really the jealousy that is the problem, but the way the jealousy is handled. The jealousy is a clue there is a problem - either with the communication or relationship, or within the person who feels jealous (like past hurts coming back to haunt them). The best thing to do when you feel jealous is to take a step back and realize if that jealousy has a base in some CURRENT actions, or if it is an internal issue.

In this case - it sounds like it definitely WAS a real issue - he wasn't respecting you or giving you attention the way he was her. It sounds like he IS giving you that attention and respect NOW? However, you still have to work out with him - in a calm manner, not a jealous one, exactly what about the old situation bothered you. You have to let him know what phrases and actions made you feel slighted, and explain that is why the jealous feelings come back. Your job is to work on recognizing those issues are from THEN, but he has the job of recognizing how his past behavior was perceived and how to NOT repeat it. That act right there will reassure the jealous feelings. I think if he understands that, and you can focus on the present, the jealous feelings will go away.

Shey

[tiredofhiscrap]

jules2576 said:

Tiredofhiscrap, I'm sorry, I ought to have said "jealousy and insecurity are not NECESSARILY signs that one is in a bad relationship." It is a possibility. But I still maintain that these feelings are more likely to be due to internal factors rather than external. In most cases. Not all.

I do agree that communication, both parties talking and listening, regarding these feelings is key.

Thank you, I am having a problem with my 17 year old son, his girlfriend was so jealous that it drove him nuts, as well as me. It was to to point that she would degrade him so that he felt bad about himself. I would spend hours talking to him about this. His was a very unhealthy relationship and it had been going on for 2 years. He talked to her about it and it has been getting better, but the green eyed monster still comes out in her every now and then. I hope he sees how this is effecting his life and I hope he ends this relationship.