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Post by hoodieprincess on Jan 30, 2008 12:40:37 GMT -5
I don't know how many of you remeber my situation with F. It's kind of long and complicated to explain the whole thing in this thread. He went to San Diego in July of '07. The orig plan was that he was coming back in 4-6 weeks. Well, he decided it best to stay longer as it's what he needed to get his life back on track. We decided not to do the long-distance relationship thing and after a while, got to not really even talking. We both were pushing the other one away to let ourselves be better again. Somewhere along the line, we lost that train of thought. Maybe it was more him. He started calling every day again and telling me he missed me and still loves me. He's now making a plan for where his life will be and is finishing his management training in SD and then requesting a transfer to move back to Colorado. His kids are here so that makes sense. He now wants to see if we can build on the foundation we had already.
Onto the main thing...He wants to fly me to San Diego for a weekend trip the weekend after Valentine's Day. He says he doesn't care what the cost is. He'll pay my tickets and my parking to stay at the airport. He's offered to pay my mom to watch the kids for the weekend. I want to go but don't want to go and it's scary to me. I don't know that I can work out the details to make it anyway but I am kind of scared of where this is going and thought I might just need to vent...
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Post by goods on Jan 30, 2008 12:56:19 GMT -5
Are you scared that you will get back together? Scared it won't workout?
What do you want?
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Post by hoodieprincess on Jan 30, 2008 13:35:12 GMT -5
Both...Honestly. When he left, there was no closure. It was kind of a last minute thing and it went from the weekend he spent at my house to a lot of personal drama for him and he left. I didn't even see him again before he went. I told him that should he come back and we try (which is what I really do think I want), there are trust things that need to be worked on. I won't fear "if" he decides to leave again but "when". His leaving had NOTHING to do with me and it was really hard. But, there is so much I love about him. Where as he thinks he's got it all figured out and that we have something to build on, I feel like until he comes home, it's hard to make that choice. I think that he thinks me coming for the weekend will add some to the foundations we started and slowly have built on while he's been away. I am afraid it will be confusing and make things hard as he's thinking it will be 6 months before he's back. It was like I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel and then he things just started developing with us. I don't know if I am scared to give up the freedom I started to find again or what. I am really scared because I know if we do get together, it could be good. Wow, afraid of something good...That sounds crazy doesn't it? I have never known such a thing though. He told me the other day, he sees it in me that everyone who has ever promised to try and make a good life with me has let me down HARD and done the opposite of everything they portrayed themselves at in the start. He says he's willing to take the time and energy to prove to me he's different and believe me, I can see it in him that I really do think he is. I'm just scared to make things harder. I am scared of success. I want to see him because he's been gone 6 months. What if this thing we felt was kind of growing existed purely because of the absence between us? Reality is looking him in the face might do me some good. I am really confused right now.
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Post by goods on Jan 30, 2008 13:50:13 GMT -5
Then I think you should go. BUT I think you need to set some boundaries for yourself before you do. It may be to not have sex, it may be to not talk about the past, it maybe to talk about the future. It could be anything really but I think you should give yourself some guidelines of what you will and won't do while you are with him and the follow them. That should help you relax by easing some of the uncertainty.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but you still need to find out if something can be built between you, something good. Staying home scared is not going to do that AND you will leave with the regret of never knowing "What if".
He sounds like a good guy with his head on straight (Obviously no one can say for sure) go to him, hang out, talk about his life and yours, what you both really want for your futures. See where it takes you.
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Post by lumpy on Jan 30, 2008 13:56:21 GMT -5
I'd have him come see you. That way, if the vibe isn't right, you can just go home to your kids. It just sounds too easy to me. Let's just have a romantic rendezvous without considering what it means to the relationship. If you're cool with that, go for it. From what you've written about him in the past, it seems to me that you want more than that from him.
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Post by Dave on Jan 30, 2008 14:00:16 GMT -5
hoodie,
go. have fun. who knows what will happen, but at least you won't have to wonder. Too many people miss chances like this because they are too afraid of some unknown calamity they are sure is going to happen. So, instead of living they hide inside, but hey, they're safe, right.
If nothing else you get a weekend in SD in the middle of the winter. How is this bad?
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Post by rocko on Jan 30, 2008 14:09:01 GMT -5
My only concern would be him trying to use you. If this isnt' a concern then go have fun.
What do you have to lose?
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Post by hoodieprincess on Jan 30, 2008 16:13:30 GMT -5
erf--Good point! Can't complain about getting out of a cold Colorado Winter! lol
And, I don't think that there is a concern of him "using" me. I really do think that he's making long-term plans here. He is less hesitant to do so than I am at this point I guess. So, I think he is looking at this visit as a way to start building on a foundation that is in place. He wants to fly me out that weekend and then he is talking about coming out in April. If I don't make this trip, I should at least see him then. But, he is worried about the things he wants for his future slipping away if we don't find a way to try and work through things now. And, I get that. I just don't know where this puts us really. I have a tendancy to be over-rational about things sometimes. Thinking of pros and cons, good and bad, reasons for and against...A point I made to myself is that if I do go, maybe it will help to see if thre is something we can really build on and I'll know more sooner rather than later. I'll have to think about it and mull it through some more I guess but I do appreciate *all* opinions given. It's in my nature to try and see things from all perspectives and I thank you all for your advice! It gives me some things to think on.
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Post by ionysis on Feb 11, 2008 23:20:00 GMT -5
Have you decided if you're going to go next weekend or not?
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Post by hoodieprincess on Feb 12, 2008 15:01:05 GMT -5
Nope...I don't get to go. I'd actually hit that point where I wanted to go but the details couldn't all be worked out on my end. So, I'll just be home this weekend. If things continue to work as they are, we are talking maybe a few days out of spring break but that's not final. I have to work out the details w/ T's dad on when he'll be flying to and from Atlanta again. Oh well, everything happens for a reason. With as sick as I've been, maybe staying close to home is a good idea...  |
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Post by redskyatnight on Feb 14, 2008 11:04:07 GMT -5
Atleast now you have some time to think about it.
Does it have to be all or nothing? Can you just talk to him like a friend, without putting a future on it? Can you just be yourself and if he doesn't like it, so what? In a way, can he be someone important in your life, but not all important? Wait and see where it goes.
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Post by hoodieprincess on Feb 14, 2008 13:19:49 GMT -5
I think that we really have tried to be the "friends" in eachothers lives and it just falls back into being something more (even if there is never a title put on it). I try to not talk future and/or long-term as really, I think none of that can be decided really until he moves. He is in a different place than me. I don't for his benifit try to be anywhere other than where I am. It's a "take it or leave it" kind of thing. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. So, we'll just see where it goes...
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