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Post by jules on Jan 3, 2008 22:02:20 GMT -5
I'm angry. Really, really angry.
I'm angry that this is my life. I'm angry that I was a good wife, always putting my husband first, and this is the payback I get. I'm angry that I have to smile and put on the "I'm ok!" act when I'm not. I'm angry that I'm expected to be over it by now. I'm angry that all of my friends in the area are nesting and don't quite know what to do with the chick who's getting divorced. I'm angry that I'm facing the prospect of doing the singles scene again which I really don't want to do. I'm angry that I'm not all ok with living alone. I'm angry that his family believes his lies and have cut me out of their lives completely, even though I was a really good daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. I'm angry that I feel as though I've aged 14 years in 4 months. I'm angry that I'm now so jaded about marriage in general. And I'm angry about a million other things. I'm even angry that I'm angry.
But this isn't meant to be a vent. Fine. I've faced the fact that I'm angry. What the heck am I supposed to do with this anger? How am I supposed to get rid of it? All of the exercise and physical labor I've been doing hasn't even made a dent. Oh, no one knows that I'm so angry. I just carry it around inside me like a burning coal while I try to act like my old self on the outside. I've tried faking it 'til I make it. All I can do is fake it.
I want to move on. I want to not be angry anymore. But I just don't know how. Is there some kind of insider's tip that I don't know about that can help me work through and ultimately dissolve this intense anger? Because I hate feeling this way every single day.
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ladyj
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Post by ladyj on Jan 3, 2008 22:12:03 GMT -5
I would write to myself with zero censorship. At the worst stage of my anger, I entertained doing very very bad things to my ex. I knew it was a mistake and I needed to learn how to deal with the emotions. Yes I did vent some of it on Ojar, but the worst of it was in private and I would write and write and write. You say exercise does not help but it did me. I would go swimming and do laps until I didn't have another one left in me. Also, and this is unpopular to some , but prayer helped me a great deal. It centered me. It really caused me to slow down. The anger started to dissipate when I redirected my energies from him and the dissaster to myself and my son. We only have a certain ammount of energy a day. I did not want to waste it. I'm angry. Really, really angry. I'm angry that this is my life. I'm angry that I was a good wife, always putting my husband first, and this is the payback I get. I'm angry that I have to smile and put on the "I'm ok!" act when I'm not. I'm angry that I'm expected to be over it by now. I'm angry that all of my friends in the area are nesting and don't quite know what to do with the chick who's getting divorced. I'm angry that I'm facing the prospect of doing the singles scene again which I really don't want to do. I'm angry that I'm not all ok with living alone. I'm angry that his family believes his lies and have cut me out of their lives completely, even though I was a really good daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. I'm angry that I feel as though I've aged 14 years in 4 months. I'm angry that I'm now so jaded about marriage in general. And I'm angry about a million other things. I'm even angry that I'm angry. But this isn't meant to be a vent. Fine. I've faced the fact that I'm angry. What the heck am I supposed to do with this anger? How am I supposed to get rid of it? All of the exercise and physical labor I've been doing hasn't even made a dent. Oh, no one knows that I'm so angry. I just carry it around inside me like a burning coal while I try to act like my old self on the outside. I've tried faking it 'til I make it. All I can do is fake it. I want to move on. I want to not be angry anymore. But I just don't know how. Is there some kind of insider's tip that I don't know about that can help me work through and ultimately dissolve this intense anger? Because I hate feeling this way every single day.
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Post by angelfire on Jan 3, 2008 22:20:21 GMT -5
Hi Jules,
Someone from Ojar once gave me a task to do for when I was angry. It really helped me so I will share it with you, maybe it will help you as well. I was angry at basically the same things you are angry at. I was very angry that my relationship did not work, angry at him and at everybody.
I was asked to write two letters.
1) write a letter of how my life would be in two years if I stayed with asshat. 2) write a letter of how my life will be in two years without him
I was shocked at how much the first letter released all my anger in regards to the seperation. The second letter gave me hope, helped me make goals and look at how great my life will be.
not sure what it was about this exercise that helped but it did a lot of good.
Best of luck!
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Post by JimB on Jan 3, 2008 22:24:37 GMT -5
I'm even angry that I'm angry. Well, let me suggest starting with this. You need the anger, but anger is negative energy, and it's no fun carrying negative energy around - it's much better to disperse it. If you feel you've dispersed as much as you can through simple things like chores and working out, then it may be time to start examining some of the anger, with the ultimate goal of working through it. Seems to me the place to start is with the things you actually have control over. If you're angry that you're angry, you're essentially angry with yourself for feeling a strong emotion that's difficult to cope with. Try to work on accepting your anger - it is, after all, a necessary part of the healing process. Once you can accept, and even embrace, your anger, you'll probably find yourself better able to deal with it. You asked for a tip, and I'll give you one. Set aside some time each day to feel as angry as you possibly can, with no restrictions. I'm not talking about behaving in an angry fashion - I'm talking about really focusing on the feeling of your anger. If you're able to compartmentalize your anger as you did in your post, perhaps you can just mentally focus on one particular thing you're angry at and feel as angry as you can at that thing. This is an exercise I use for worry, and I believe anger and worry to be closely related. Perhaps you'll find it useful. (However, it only works if you can avoid the self-consciousness that makes you feel like a dork when you're doing it.)
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Post by jules on Jan 3, 2008 22:30:15 GMT -5
Thank you. Writing is a good suggestion. And, angelfire, I like the concept of writing two letters. Specific topics like that I can handle. Only problem is I feel I have no idea of what direction my life is taking now. I guess that's something I'll work on when writing.
Lady J, I've trying praying, but every time it just turns into a rant which isn't all that productive. I think a part of me is angry at God, though I even hate to admit that to myself.
Jim, at this point, feeling like a dork is the least of my concerns. (Come to think of it, I never really concern myself with that!) But... what do I do when I focus on it? Punch something? Cry? (I seem to be crying a lot when I'm angry, which just serves to piss me off more, too.) How does focusing on it get it out of my system? Or do I just need to try it?
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ladyj
New Member
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Post by ladyj on Jan 3, 2008 22:33:08 GMT -5
I just remembered what was the most important factor in letting go of my anger. When I understood, really understood my responsiblity in my situation, when I accepted my role, the anger lessened greatly.
Is your anger about lack of control?
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Post by blazinheart on Jan 3, 2008 22:33:36 GMT -5
I'm angry. Really, really angry. I'm angry that this is my life. I'm angry that I was a good wife, always putting my husband first, and this is the payback I get. I'm angry that I have to smile and put on the "I'm ok!" act when I'm not. I'm angry that I'm expected to be over it by now. I'm angry that all of my friends in the area are nesting and don't quite know what to do with the chick who's getting divorced. I'm angry that I'm facing the prospect of doing the singles scene again which I really don't want to do. I'm angry that I'm not all ok with living alone. I'm angry that his family believes his lies and have cut me out of their lives completely, even though I was a really good daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. I'm angry that I feel as though I've aged 14 years in 4 months. I'm angry that I'm now so jaded about marriage in general. And I'm angry about a million other things. I'm even angry that I'm angry. But this isn't meant to be a vent. Fine. I've faced the fact that I'm angry. What the heck am I supposed to do with this anger? How am I supposed to get rid of it? All of the exercise and physical labor I've been doing hasn't even made a dent. Oh, no one knows that I'm so angry. I just carry it around inside me like a burning coal while I try to act like my old self on the outside. I've tried faking it 'til I make it. All I can do is fake it. I want to move on. I want to not be angry anymore. But I just don't know how. Is there some kind of insider's tip that I don't know about that can help me work through and ultimately dissolve this intense anger? Because I hate feeling this way every single day. I feel ya. I think most people here can relate. I've been divorced 3 years but I do remember the anger, vividly. We all get shit on in this life. We all get treated unfairly, we all get betrayed and hurt by those we love. It's a fact of life. Eventually, you'll need to just accept that this is your life. You'll need to begin the process of forgiving your ex and your ex's family. They fucked up, they treated you like crap, they turned their backs on you. But you've got to forgive them, because forgiveness leads to closure. Not to mention we all need forgiveness as much as we need to give it.
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Post by jules on Jan 3, 2008 22:40:59 GMT -5
I just remembered what was the most important factor in letting go of my anger. When I understood, really understood my responsiblity in my situation, when I accepted my role, the anger lessened greatly. Is your anger about lack of control? I've come to terms with my responsibility in this, primarily in regards to being an enabler. I've forgiven myself for this though. But, yes, the lack of control is a HUGE issue for me. We all get shit on in this life. We all get treated unfairly, we all get betrayed and hurt by those we love. It's a fact of life. Eventually, you'll need to just accept that this is your life. And that's probably what pisses me off most. Because before all of this, I honestly believed that if you were a good person, a loving person, that things would work out for the best. That good makes good, and karma, and all that other bullshit. And learning that is not the case has been a really hard lesson for me to accept.
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Post by blazinheart on Jan 3, 2008 22:44:19 GMT -5
And that's probably what pisses me off most. Because before all of this, I honestly believed that if you were a good person, a loving person, that things would work out for the best. That good makes good, and karma, and all that other bullshit. And learning that is not the case has been a really hard lesson for me to accept. It's amazing how drastically a divorce can change our whole idea of reality. When I was going through my divorce I came really close to just, mentally cracking. I didn't know what was real anymore. But I'm so much more grounded in who I am now.
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super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Post by super on Jan 3, 2008 22:58:52 GMT -5
Oh, I am so angry too! I am angry that I have to now date and find someone new. I'm angry he doesn't have to go through it. I'm angry about the lies, cheating, lack of control. I'm angry I stayed in the relationship for so long. I'm angry he convinced me to stay with him for two more years and then ended it.
I think the anger is the worst feeling and I don't know how to release it either. I'm trying exercise and writing. Listening to angry music. I try to just think about today and tomorrow. I try to think about the times in the relationship that I treated him badly. I think the biggest thing is to keep feeling the anger and not ignoring it. Eventually it has to go away.
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Post by angelfire on Jan 3, 2008 23:36:57 GMT -5
Usually...and this is by no means an easy task, forgiveness releases the anger. Like I said...it is a very difficult thing to do but do it for you, so that anger does not paralyze you for too long. By forgiving, you are taking back control of you and giving up wasted days and nights harvesting bad thoughts and feelings about this terrible situation you are in.
keep your chin up....things will get better, I promise,
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Post by RO on Jan 4, 2008 12:06:04 GMT -5
Jules- I know you do a lot of writing already but truely that is the only thing that saved me. I did a similar exercise and wrote my exh a letter with everything...everything I needed to say that never did...afterwards...I had a torching ceremony and felt a lot better. It was like as I watched the pages burn...I felt an enormous sense of relief. The therapist had me go back through all my logs in my journal which I have kept my entire life and look for common themes...it really spoke to me and how I let the hurt/anger/denial change the person I knew I was deep inside. I am closer now to that person I remember than ever before and wouldn't change anything because I like the journey I am on and know without the heartbreak I wouldn't be who I am becoming. On a lighter and odd note...one of my friends is currently going to see a therapist and she like me isn't one to curse very often. The therapist told her that she needed to address her inner rage and stand in a doorway and slam it repeatedly yelling off curse words. LOL. I, too, often express my anger through tears which only makes me more angry. Writing, running, listening to music, and volunteer work have saved me... Something new to focus on. I was angry at God for a really long time and am only know coming to terms with it so I totally understand where you are coming from. Hang in there. You know where to find me.
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Post by tiredofhiscrap on Jan 6, 2008 14:54:28 GMT -5
I'm angry. Really, really angry. I'm angry that this is my life. I'm angry that I was a good wife, always putting my husband first, and this is the payback I get. I'm angry that I have to smile and put on the "I'm ok!" act when I'm not. I'm angry that I'm expected to be over it by now. I'm angry that all of my friends in the area are nesting and don't quite know what to do with the chick who's getting divorced. I'm angry that I'm facing the prospect of doing the singles scene again which I really don't want to do. I'm angry that I'm not all ok with living alone. I'm angry that his family believes his lies and have cut me out of their lives completely, even though I was a really good daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. I'm angry that I feel as though I've aged 14 years in 4 months. I'm angry that I'm now so jaded about marriage in general. And I'm angry about a million other things. I'm even angry that I'm angry. But this isn't meant to be a vent. Fine. I've faced the fact that I'm angry. What the heck am I supposed to do with this anger? How am I supposed to get rid of it? All of the exercise and physical labor I've been doing hasn't even made a dent. Oh, no one knows that I'm so angry. I just carry it around inside me like a burning coal while I try to act like my old self on the outside. I've tried faking it 'til I make it. All I can do is fake it. I want to move on. I want to not be angry anymore. But I just don't know how. Is there some kind of insider's tip that I don't know about that can help me work through and ultimately dissolve this intense anger? Because I hate feeling this way every single day. Wow, i could have wrote this myself!!! You are not alone i feel the same way!!
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Post by lostteacher on Jan 6, 2008 20:06:12 GMT -5
here is my suggestion for a journal. i kept two: in journal #1, i wrote about all the things that were making me angry about my divorce situation. if i was sad, angry, depressed, whatever, and it was about my ex and the situation, it went in that journal. in journal #2, i wrote about all the other things in my life. i wrote about moving, doing things for myself, new things i was doing. the only rule about this journal was that i could not mention my ex at all in this new journal. this journal was about starting over.
i also made rules for myself....i could write in journal #2 as often as i wanted, but if i decided to write in journal #1, i had to finish with an entry in journal #2. sort of like forcing myself to see past the bad, and to look at this future of myself.
LT
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