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Post by prairienomad on Feb 20, 2008 18:22:38 GMT -5
my re-started relationship....
I feel so frustrated because I see how my own lack of trust is driving him away.
You guys .... he basically asked me to marry him .... and then yesterday, I just think I destroyed things between us. I started freaking out on him about something from two weeks ago. It had no relevance to that day, at all. My fears, from our history, my own history and my Mom's abusive marriage, are going to destroy this relationship.
I feel like I am standing there watching it happen and feel so sad.
Can anyone help me? I am so sick of myself. It is embaressing to write about this but I want to be honest about what I am doing. I feel so ashamed.
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Post by lumpy on Feb 20, 2008 18:29:11 GMT -5
Sounds to me like you could really benefit from some counseling. You see what you're doing but you need some help figuring out how to head that behavior off at the pass. I think that you should also consider the possibility that your fears about his former behavior are well founded. Is he showing you that he's willing to change the things you can't deal with? If not, maybe you should listen to your instincts some.
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Post by prairienomad on Feb 20, 2008 18:52:53 GMT -5
Thanks Lumpy. Well, so far he has changed quite a bit and seems like he is really trying. I get confused, though, as to what to really expect in a good relationship. It's like I have a mental block.
He has been treating me well so far. I think.
I would like to be able to make a relationship work, for once. Counselling might be good.
Right now I know he is coming back home in a couple of hours and wonder how to let him know that my own insecurity and fear is driving my behaviour. And stop it from going to this yucky place that it went before. I can see the cycles starting and I want to end it NOW!
One of the cycles:
I say something that either offends him or that he disagrees with. He cuts me off and gets angry. I explain what I meant, often by whining. He apologizes and listens. We talk and resolve things. I drop it. I bring it up two weeks later, scared it will happen again. Scared that his behaviour is abusive. He gets angry at me for bringing it up randomly and feels attacked. He withdraws from me. I drop it. I bring it up again at a later time to resolve it again because now I feel guilty and low about myself. He withdraws further, attacking me now because he feels attacked. I stay up all night, crying from being hurt at what he has said.
I sound like a lunatic, don't I? I might be exaggerating a bit, but not much. Last night, I could see that pattern starting .... it had many variations but that was the basic one. It led to abuse on both sides and I do see my part in it now, too
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Post by lumpy on Feb 20, 2008 19:05:59 GMT -5
I'd look at step four of that cycle that you presented. If the two of you are truly resolving things, then it probably doesn't need to be brought up again, right? Do you mean to say that he appeases you in the moment then weeks later repeats the same behavior? If that's what's happening then I'd say you're not crazy. If you're bringing up an issue that has been sucessfully resolved, then I'd say that's a little crazy.
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Post by Saucy on Feb 20, 2008 19:18:48 GMT -5
i think its very very healthy of you to recognize all these problems.
i feel you. it's a scary thought to lose a relationship, all because you know its problems that are fixable that can't really be fixed right away.
Lumpy suggested counseling, which may help you. i mean counseling could lead you in the right path, but the mind, is a very very powerful thing. and sometimes its very hard to control thinking negatively or thinking about shit that brings up negativeness.
I was somewhat the same way before he left. and i had zero self control of my emotions, my thinking. I started going to meditation, church and my reverand said that its very important and helps in any situation: ALWAYS THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. is it beautiful? is it positive?
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Post by freckles on Feb 20, 2008 20:14:42 GMT -5
Dr Laura Says Women talk about Feeling to each other trying to feel better A Man wants to Fix things You just want to be talking about how you feel. He thinks you are Mad at him because he cant Fix Something. Dr Laura Says, Talk about Feelings to your GirLFriends You are trying to Talk to Him like He is a Woman He is Not Say to Him, Please Put gas in my car for me. So he has something he can Fix Thats all there is to it
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Post by prairienomad on Feb 20, 2008 20:17:41 GMT -5
Freckles, I love you. You are awesome. You answer so simply but so profoundly. I will have to find something that he can fix because you are right. He feels like he can't fix what I am talking about and he hates me for it.
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Post by kittenhart on Feb 20, 2008 21:24:01 GMT -5
Prairie, I have to agree with Freckles a bit here...not that Lumpy isn't also correct about the counselling, and step 4 of your pattern.
I know it is hard. I myself am fiercely independant and find this really hard, but if you want him to be a hero....you have to let him be the hero. Let him be the fixer of something....I don't mean be all needy and clingy.
Let him actually be needed and then hope that he steps up. (yes, I know it's crushing when you actually do find it in you to trust and then they don't step up....but that's another story.)
Maybe start with something small....like fixing your car.
The fact that he gets so upset when you bring it up again is that it is rubbing it in his face that he hasn't "fixed it" well enough...and I think there's a finite amount of that kind of "failure" a guy's ego can take.
Just keep repeating to yourself that it doesn't make you needy and weak to need somebody....I know, it doesn't compute well for some of us.....((((hugs)))))
-K
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Post by redskyatnight on Feb 21, 2008 5:58:44 GMT -5
You may be sabotaging your relationship and the fact that you recognize a pattern may behelpful. One thing that sounds out from your posts is that he gets angry with you. If you say something he doesn't like, he gets angry. That concerns me. I often see people using anger as a way to cover up bad behavior.
For example, you say something and he has to defend himself or explain himself. He doesn't want to explain himself, so he gets angry causing you to back off. You explain yourself, he apologizes and never has to explain himself. BUT the issue is not resolved and perhaps that is why you keep bringing it up.
Take an inventory of what you know: not feel, but what you objectively know. Then think about how what you know makes you feel. Finally, figure out what you need to have happen to make you feel better. When you talk to him, tell him what you know, how it makes you feel and what you need to have happen.
Don't marry him until this stuff can get worked out.
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