daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
|
Hi ALL
Mar 8, 2008 17:34:09 GMT -5
Post by daryl on Mar 8, 2008 17:34:09 GMT -5
Hey,i hope some of you guys remember me,i am an ojarian species and have logged on here for the first time since ojar turned the engine off on new years eve.I have went on to ojar on various occasions just to read some postings that i found inspirational but i only decided to read the post pointing me to this site five minutes ago.I f some of you remember me,to all of you i am doing okay and the intense pain and hurt has subsided alot and i have actually moved a little forward from my relationship.I have new dillemmas in my life now that are still associated with the awful breakup off my marriage and tonight is the first time after a long time that i actually felt weak,confused and in search of answers again.I am not going to post a long story here about what happened between my ex and i tonight.i will decide maybe to copy and paste that fom ojar if need be on another occasion however i was kicked out the home as soon as my daughter was born in early 2007.Our relationship spanned 15 years,lived together for 12 years,married in 2006,child born in 2006 nov and jan 2007 all crumbled into oblivion.I fought for acess to my daughter and got an hour a week,then ended up with two hours and i am now happy to say that i spend every single day with my daughter.No not through legal processes but simply because her mother could not deny the fact that as my daughter became a little older she became very attached to me and remembered me just from the two hours a week i was given.She realised that she actually is not hurting me but she was actually hurting the child.My dillemma at this point comes from the fact that ,i really need to move on but cannot seem to do this.I am lonley but just dont want the effort of going through this dating thing also i think that i am just too scared of getting hurt again.I also want to move to the u.k or u.s but how can i when i have my daughter here.I never wanted to be an absentee father but have been forced into this position.My ex still has temper tantrums and still kicks me out of her house whenever i go there when she does not like something i said however i have learnt to ignore her but i dont want this type of life anymore.I would love to just pack my bags and buy a plane ticket but my daughter,how do i just leave her.When is it appropriate in life to think of yourself and your own needs.I have not even dated a single person yet
|
|
|
Hi ALL
Mar 8, 2008 17:47:07 GMT -5
Post by RO on Mar 8, 2008 17:47:07 GMT -5
Hey, daryll-
I remember you. Sorry to hear that you are in pain. Glad that you found hugthat.
It seems like you are in a no-win situation. I don't know how you could move and leave your child but am sure if you decide that is what is best than you will work it out. You might just be trading one bad situation for another one.
Moving on is tough and everyone is scared but you can't look at the negative in the relationship from the get go. You need to be willing to take the step forward. No one wants to get hurt but we all know that it happens.
Wishing you the strength to make your decisions and the determination to follow them through.
There are great people here...I am glad you found it.
|
|
|
Hi ALL
Mar 8, 2008 19:35:33 GMT -5
Post by prairienomad on Mar 8, 2008 19:35:33 GMT -5
Hi Daryl ... nice to hear from you again. I do remember you, for sure. You had the top hat, I believe, didn't you?
|
|
|
Hi ALL
Mar 8, 2008 21:11:07 GMT -5
Post by jules on Mar 8, 2008 21:11:07 GMT -5
Hello my South African friend! I'm glad you found your way here. I'd been wondering how you'd been doing. It's so wonderful that your ex sees how important you are in your daughter's life. That is a major step forward. As for picking up and moving, this is just my $0.02 from a non-parent, but I do strongly believe that once you do have a child you no longer have the luxury of just deciding to think of yourself and your own needs anymore... at least until after you have raised that child. Besides, leave South Africa? Are you nuts? I'd love to live there (though, granted, perhaps not in Jo'burg... but only because I'm a wussy American.)
|
|
|
Hi ALL
Mar 8, 2008 22:26:05 GMT -5
Post by kittenhart on Mar 8, 2008 22:26:05 GMT -5
Hi daryl, I remember you from OJAR.....also remember how you got car jacked around Christmastime...yikes, that was a close one, eh? I am happy to hear that you get to see more of your daughter, sorry to hear that you are having a hard time moving on. I have to say though, that I don't think moving to the UK or US is necessarily the answer to moving on...and might force choices regarding your daughter that you don't want to make. Moving on is hard to do regardless of where you are, and relocating entirely is not likely to make that any easier.
I am glad that you found HugThat....don't have any suggestions for you about how to move on, or how to feel like dating though....but I'm sure there are others around that can be helpful.
khart
|
|
|
Hi ALL
Mar 9, 2008 6:44:14 GMT -5
Post by ionysis on Mar 9, 2008 6:44:14 GMT -5
Hi Daryl, so good to hear an update from you and great news about your daughter. I'm afraid the only advice I might give is just to give it time. Some people take longer than others to feel ready to open up to someone new. I cannot possibly imagine loving someone other than my ex although I have dated others.
Besides you don't have to date. You could meet a woman in the supermarket tomorrow and feel something, some spark which will surprise and relieve you. There is no hurry.
|
|
|
Hi ALL
Mar 9, 2008 8:05:54 GMT -5
Post by redskyatnight on Mar 9, 2008 8:05:54 GMT -5
Hi Daryl,
Welcome back! so to speak. You are faced with a hard decision. A couple of questions to answer within yourself. Why do you want to move? Is the move and what it will accomplish worth more to you than building a relationship with your daughter?
Is the move in the best interest of your daughter? As a parent, any decision we make must consider the best interest of the child or children involved.
Logistically, have you looked into how long it would take to get a VISA to move and what that would require. If it is a long time, you may not even need to worry about moving.
|
|
daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
|
Hi ALL
Mar 9, 2008 15:09:18 GMT -5
Post by daryl on Mar 9, 2008 15:09:18 GMT -5
Hi guys it feels good that people have actually kept me in there thoughts and minds.I dont really feel like a nameless cyber dude anymore and yes i am the guy with the hat and the one that was carjacked before xmas last year in south africa.So much has changed since my last post at ojar.Although i have moved into a reality that is now comfortable i still have my usual hangups regarding my ex which are"Yes,no problem".Which means that although i have been seeing my daughter regularly,my ex is also someone i have to deal with regularly.We have been talking but it is so hard to see this person that destroyed your entire life for no reason.If you have to part ways then why not try to be as ammicable as you can.She destroyed my reputation with every person that i knew for the last 15 years but now after giving all the story that i never supported her the way she wanted to be supported she now has only me to rely on to take her out of her mountain of debt.So now as her ex husband ,i seem to still be paying for everything that she wants and needs without so much as a thank you.She thinks that she is using me but she does not realise that i am spending my money so that my daughter can recieve the things she needs.However the tantrums that i have to put up with from my ex and the uncertainty of when she will explode on me again is really getting to me.I have asked her to get help on her anger issues but she refuses although she herself admits that she has a problem after she gave birth.I have become exhausted.We always planned to move abraod once i complete my degree but now it seems this dream is going to only be me and a whole lot of pain if it happens.The thing is that i cannot wait for her to get better.She may never.I want to move on but i dont think i will because of my daughter.
|
|
|
Hi ALL
Mar 9, 2008 20:45:36 GMT -5
Post by wizer on Mar 9, 2008 20:45:36 GMT -5
Daryl,
Welcome back. By the way, your Hugthats account still says "unpaid", that's why your name is in flashing red. You may not see it that way, but us established members do. PM me for information on how you can pay for your Hugthats membership via Paypal, at your earliest convenience.
|
|
|
Hi ALL
Mar 10, 2008 0:23:58 GMT -5
Post by ionysis on Mar 10, 2008 0:23:58 GMT -5
Ignore Steve! I know what it is like for somone to have a breakdown / depression / whatever and seem like a completely different person. To do things which you would never have thought them capable of. It is horrible. I don't know if your wife will ever "get better" but I do know that even if she did trying to be with someone after they have hurt you that much is one of the toughest things in the world. But even if you feel the necessity to "move on" now you can't force your heart and your mind to move at the same pace. Even if in yopur head you know that your relationship with your wife is over and you feel the need to move on to the next stage of your life until your feelings catch up with your thoughts I don't think you will be ready to do that. By all means set goals, make plans, have dreams, envisage exciting things for the future - its all a part of moving on - the most important part I think - but you don't need to take any drastic steps now.
|
|