daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Mar 11, 2008 16:43:51 GMT -5
I think that i am clueless about something.What it is ,i dont know.Ok what i mean is that i have been trying for most of 2006 to figure out what on earth i did to deserve the fate that was handed down to me.So after being to attorneys for access i decide to try and communicate with my ex on what went wrong.She says that she hated my family,however i cannot accept that ,if i dont like the brady bunch ,i certainly am not going to break up my home,then i did not support her which i cannot accept because i wined and dined her at least thrice a week and paid all the bills although there was a budget.I was not bill gates afterall.Then it is that i abused her.Ok now how,what did i do.I never struck you.No you emotionally abused me as she says.How,yes we had arguments but how does that end up being emotionally abusive and yes i did say the b word but never to her face rather after trying to be logical and then maybe turn away and mumble that as i knew all hell would break loose if i blatantly said this to her face and even that was maybe once or twice.Then it is that i was not there when she needed me the most when she was pregnant.Now i am the homley type and only left her side twice during her pregnancy.Now this has become some sort of addiction to me as i need to know the truth but she jumps from one ludicrous accusation to the next.I think i deserve an answer.She destroyed my life as i knew it and took away the dreams i had of how i would be a father.Ikeep asking and get the same run around.I think that at this stage i have lost my pride and dignity trying to get answers that she never gives me.I pay for every item that my child needs.She finds it appropriate to kick me out her house at any time if she does not want to answer difficult questions.She has attacked me.Locked me in her house and called the police for me.She swears me the worst filth but i know i did nothing wrong.I try my best not to bring the subject up when i go over to see my daughter but it seems as if i just cannot help myself.It sickens me that i know that i am a good person but people now see me as this monster that abused her.She portrays herself as this happy go lucky person to her friends and plays the innocent victim to her family and friends so that they can give her money and gifts for my baby as if i am not providing.I need to take back my pride and dignity and i dont know how.I ABANDONNED her and my daughter and just left is what she also tells people but as i said before she locked me in the house then called the police to escort me out the house then got a restraining order against me.How on earth was that abandonment.Firstly how can someone change to mild evil to extreme evil so quickly and how do i escape the addiction to find answers and regain my pride and dignity.What on earth does she want from me and why would someone be happy to destroy a persons life by lying and defaming the person that they supposedly loved.
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Post by wizer on Mar 11, 2008 16:45:32 GMT -5
It has nothing to do with fate my friend. There is no higher force out there that pointed a finger at you and said "you are going to be completely fucked".
You, and me...and the other folks who find themselves at war with an angry and vindictive ex are only guilty of perhaps making a bad choice, of letting emotions rule our actions and causing us to jump into a marriage without evaluating the possible outcomes and putting enough thought into it.
Don't take it personally. I sure do and it's taking its toll.
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Post by redskyatnight on Mar 11, 2008 16:56:32 GMT -5
Well........
I don't have an answer that you will like. She has told you why she left, but you refuse to believe her. You aren't hearing what she has to say. Maybe you were home when she was pregnant, but support doesn't mean just being there. Taking her out to dinner or supplying a bottle of wine isn't support either. It sounds like she felt alone, not physically, but mentally.
It sounds like you two did not communicate, as in understanding each other, not talking. It sounds like you two still don't understand each other. To discount everything she has told you about what went wrong tells me that you don't understand her.
Despite trying to understand it all, you will never understand it and it will eat you up trying to make sense of it. Sometimes, it is best to just know that it didn't work out and let it go.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Mar 11, 2008 17:20:10 GMT -5
After fifteen years and 12 years of living together,it seems almost impossible that i did not understand her.I think i did and i did not want to be married at the time which was also 2006.A few suspicions come to mind that are not facts but my thoughts.A broody woman that cannot have kids as she will be disowned by family if not maried first.Enjoys the high life,having lunch in mahattan today and dinner in carribean island tomorrow.Never wanted to leave the high life but wanted a child but still single.Make up the lyes so she looks the innocent victim to family.I obviously was the scapegoat that worked my arse off so that her home was paid off.Surprisingly enough the moment the house was completley paid,the pressure was on to get married A.S.AP. Why i stayed in a relationship with someone that i knew was very materialistic is that i fell in love and thought that she would grow out of the materialistic attitude and become a little laid back rather than wanting to run to one party that an air hostess buddy hosts to another.When we met ,she was a very grounded person.I always thought she would eventually come around after the excitment of her job wore off.I still think up to now that the person i met is still in their somewhere.
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Post by lumpy on Mar 11, 2008 17:51:31 GMT -5
#1) What could she tell you that would make you truly understand? What explanation would set off the lightbulb in your head. Aha! It all makes perfect sense to me now! (Dollars to doughnuts that explanation does not exist)
#2) Any understanding you come to is going to be provided by you. When you finally reach some level of resolution about this, It will be you shining the light. Perhaps you'll take bits and pieces of what she's told you (as Seyfert said previously, some of those gripes are probably valid, at least to some degree) as well as some ideas that you'll sprinkle in yourself.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Mar 11, 2008 19:06:41 GMT -5
I know that it is over and i am now comfortable with where i am.The thing is that the reasons given for what happened dont add up.I would like her to say that she fell out of love i think.The reasons she has given me make me doubt who i am as a person and i cannot even contemplate being in another relationship at this point because of it.The reason i say this is because throughout the years that we were together,i consiously did the right thing even if i did not like what i did,i made sure that she was happy and did everything to make sure she was so when all these accusations were thrown at me ,i just cannot seem to fathom that i was this person in fact i know i was not but then i think the answer that i need is ,if one tries everything to please another under the constraints that i am also human and get angry and sad and such but made every effort to make someone feel loved then what did i miss that made things get this way.She does not want to give me the satisfaction of some honesty and closure.
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Post by lumpy on Mar 11, 2008 19:12:36 GMT -5
She does not want to give me the satisfaction of some honesty and closure. I know that everyone is different but I'm about to make a bit of a blanket statement here. I believe that many leavers (hell, many people period) aren't entirely able to be honest with themselves, let alone the person they left. Closure is a gift you give yourself. It will come in time. I don't believe she can give it to you.
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Post by redskyatnight on Mar 11, 2008 21:04:25 GMT -5
When you tried to make her happy, and did not feel right about it, she picked up on it. Like lumpy said, you will never get the answers from her. You will find the answers within yourself and move on.
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Post by Saucy on Mar 11, 2008 22:49:41 GMT -5
daryl,
i say fuck it. some things are just better off left unsaid. go on and push for peace and happiness in your life, and stop trying to "figure" out what and when and how it went wrong. if you know that you are a good person and you do good things to make your life, and your daughter's life a great one, thats all you need to do.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Mar 12, 2008 8:24:22 GMT -5
I think that you are on the button saucy.I have wasted too much time on a person that used ,abused ,acused and then removed my sorry arse from the equation.I just feel sorry for my daughter ,although i know she loves her,she cannot control her temper and as she gets older i think my daughter is going to get the brunt of anger outbursts.She admits that she has been suffering from an uncontrollable tempremant but refuses to humble herself to go for therapy.i even offered at one point to pay for it but she thinks that i want to use this against her which is not true.All i want to do is ensure that my daughter grows up in a environment that is not volatile.I would gladly take custody of my daughter but that would only make matters worse for my ex and daughter.Although pushed by attorneys to fight for my rights,i believe that i got more from the non legal approach,which was communication with my ex.At the end of the day i am going to have to admit that answers will only come from me.
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Post by JimB on Mar 12, 2008 8:38:03 GMT -5
Besides, what answer could she give you that you would be willing to accept?
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Mar 12, 2008 9:48:39 GMT -5
I screwed you over because i am just a mean evil money sucking using narsisistic bitch trying to pretend that you did that to me.
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Post by JimB on Mar 12, 2008 10:14:02 GMT -5
Uh huh. But she ain't gonna say that, is she? Not because she's a liar, but because she's got her own justifications for her actions.
So, because you ask the question looking for a certain kind of "honest" answer, and she can't (or won't) provide that for you, it's kind of pointless to ask her. Continuing to ask it can only make you look kind of stalker-y.
Turn your back on her to whatever degree you can, at least until you can answer your own questions. She doesn't have to agree with your conclusions.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Mar 12, 2008 10:31:34 GMT -5
Hey that was a good release of bad energy ;D thanks for that question. You are right though. It could seem as though i am coming across as stalky although she also comes to my new home as well and sometimes just being around her with my daughter makes me want to just make things the way they were again hence the reason i start asking the same old questions which usually end up with her becoming defensive and then leaving or if at her place kicking me out.Not being around her will be a blessing as i will not feel this urge to discuss the same thing in the hope of a positive outcome which i dont think will happen and on the other hand if i do stay away ,i will be also staying away from my daughter
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Post by Saucy on Mar 12, 2008 10:46:37 GMT -5
daryl,
its hard. its hard to just turn your back. its easier said than done. you are hurt. you are not damaged. you are truly and utterly hurt by her actions. and that is okay. DONT stray away from your daughter. that would be an idiot decision on your part. instead, when you have your daughter, try going someplace where you'll both enjoy your time without thinking about all the craziness that's happened.
Its hard babe. but once you get into that mentality that "shit happens", you will start to see yourself caring less and less about the situation of how and why and where it went wrong. I wish you luck, and STOP giving your ex the open door to hurt you over and over again. Use this energy to spend time and have a great time and life with yourself, and most importantly your daughter.
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