Post by Phoenixx on Mar 12, 2008 12:49:05 GMT -5
I havent been on here for a few days...I have been lurking, but frankly with everything that's going on, I havent really had the energy to post anything.
Yesterday should have been my anniversary. What better way to spend it than getting answers? I took the day off and headed to the nearby city where the ex is. Surprisingly I managed to not kill him. Actually, we had a great talk. For once I was completely and utterly honest. Not that I usually am not, but I tend to withold the scary questions. I think its the first time in a very long time that we had a completely open and honest conversation. On the way over I decided to pretend as if it was the last time I would ever see/speak to him, so I asked the many things I wanted to know. Everything in fact. I didn't cry. I wanted to, but I didn't. It was hard, both seeing him and talking.
He has always been terrible at expressing himself, but yesterday I saw him try for the first time. I think it helped that while I usually explode (I am the angry shouty person, whereas he is the silent type) I was calm and quiet and listened to not only what he said, but how he said it.
I have my answers. Some questions I asked had no answers, but this is one of those situations where sometimes there are just no answers, and I have to work at accepting that.
I dont forgive him - just yet. I know that while others here went through divorce/cheating, etc, in comparison my situation was different and not at all that intense. We werent married and didn't have any children, but its been 8months of confusion and heart-ache...longer if you count all the pre-departure crap. This ruined my life emotionally, and I am still dealing with the effects. There are places in my mind I cannot go because I cannot allow myself to break down.
So - at the moment we are considering a friendship. I say "considering" because I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen, a concept immensely frightening to me as a control freak (yes, I am admitting it). We've both admitted that we have feelings for eachother, but a relationship is out of the question for many reasons. He was my best friend for a long, long time and a huge part of me misses that. We already live thousands of miles away from eachother, and soon it will be even further. I dont know how things are going to pan out, but I've decided that I dont need to find all the answers today, or even tomorrow.
Perhaps my peace is not too far off.
Yesterday should have been my anniversary. What better way to spend it than getting answers? I took the day off and headed to the nearby city where the ex is. Surprisingly I managed to not kill him. Actually, we had a great talk. For once I was completely and utterly honest. Not that I usually am not, but I tend to withold the scary questions. I think its the first time in a very long time that we had a completely open and honest conversation. On the way over I decided to pretend as if it was the last time I would ever see/speak to him, so I asked the many things I wanted to know. Everything in fact. I didn't cry. I wanted to, but I didn't. It was hard, both seeing him and talking.
He has always been terrible at expressing himself, but yesterday I saw him try for the first time. I think it helped that while I usually explode (I am the angry shouty person, whereas he is the silent type) I was calm and quiet and listened to not only what he said, but how he said it.
I have my answers. Some questions I asked had no answers, but this is one of those situations where sometimes there are just no answers, and I have to work at accepting that.
I dont forgive him - just yet. I know that while others here went through divorce/cheating, etc, in comparison my situation was different and not at all that intense. We werent married and didn't have any children, but its been 8months of confusion and heart-ache...longer if you count all the pre-departure crap. This ruined my life emotionally, and I am still dealing with the effects. There are places in my mind I cannot go because I cannot allow myself to break down.
So - at the moment we are considering a friendship. I say "considering" because I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen, a concept immensely frightening to me as a control freak (yes, I am admitting it). We've both admitted that we have feelings for eachother, but a relationship is out of the question for many reasons. He was my best friend for a long, long time and a huge part of me misses that. We already live thousands of miles away from eachother, and soon it will be even further. I dont know how things are going to pan out, but I've decided that I dont need to find all the answers today, or even tomorrow.
Perhaps my peace is not too far off.