hope
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Post by hope on Mar 15, 2008 21:38:28 GMT -5
I really feel like I can't handle the idea of trying to have another relationship. It's just too scary. And even thought I want to, I'm comfortable here, just me. There's a lot I miss and feel sad about...but so much I just don't have to deal with this way. It's overwhelmingly scary to even think about getting into this again.
But...............I'll just put that all aside, and try my very best to get out there and see what happens, even though I'll be terrified.
That is my promise to myself.
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Post by wizer on Mar 15, 2008 21:51:09 GMT -5
You are over thinking. Just go out there, go on some dates and have fun! If and when you meet the right guy, things will happen.
You can't "handle a relationship" because it's not something that you can picture right now. Think in smaller steps...otherwise it can be a bit intimidating.
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hope
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Post by hope on Mar 15, 2008 21:58:27 GMT -5
Well, yes, I overthink everything. If I could pick just one thing to change about myself, that's what it would be -- I obsess and overthink things. I need to be more impulsive. Although, I told my friend one day that I had thought long and hard about it, and decided I would be more impulsive...and he pointed out that actually you can't sit and think and decide to be impulsive as that's sort of inherently not impulsive at all. I guess I just don't have it in me. But, yes, you're right -- think in small steps. Why did I forget about that? And also, I have to cut down the thinking part altogether. And just do stuff without thinking so much. It's totally against my nature but I think I need some of that now!
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Post by wizer on Mar 15, 2008 22:01:55 GMT -5
But, yes, you're right -- think in small steps. Why did I forget about that? It happens. I started dating for the first time in over 20 years, a bit over a year ago..I was a bit nervous...not sure what to expect, or if I was ready. In retrospect, I jumped back into dating way too soon. I wasn't even out of the house yet...although the marriage was over and papers were served. I have been on close to 15 or 20 first dates, and have been in 3 "relationships". I just went into it without thinking ahead, and things just progressed naturally. It's not as hard as it seems. At least it wasn't for me...Your mileage may vary.
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newts
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Post by newts on Mar 15, 2008 23:20:23 GMT -5
Hope,
There is nothing wrong with being scared and there is also nothing wrong with you being alone. You will know when it's time to get amongst it and you will know when you meet the right person as they will make you feel safe, loved and secure.
You don't need to force anything, timing and contentment within are very important before you will meet someone who can take your fears away.
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Post by ionysis on Mar 16, 2008 2:29:08 GMT -5
Hope, I think everyone, once they get to the stage of feeling OK and safe on their own can't really envisage the idea of a new relationship. Sometimes I wonder how much my desire to reconcile with my ex is based on the dread of having to attempt to rebuild that kind of intimacy with someone new. Even thinking about it is exhausting. Its hardly an appealing thought - and how do you even begin?
But I'm one of those people who believes life comes and finds you rather than you having to look for it on a dating website or singles holiday. You may meet a guy in the checkout queue at the grocery store and fin he's the love you never knew existed. That's the way it works often enough. Don't force yourself. It'll come.
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Post by Phyxius on Mar 16, 2008 3:21:38 GMT -5
Hope, I was like you for six years after my divorce. I was too scared to even consider letting anyone get close to me, and to be honest, I wasn't even looking when I got blindsided by it two weeks ago (geez, has it only been two weeks? ). Now my question is why did I let myself be alone for so long? All I can say is from my own experience, it'll catch you when you least expect it. Relax, and just be for now...
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hope
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Post by hope on Mar 16, 2008 10:10:29 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the responses. That helped. I've been on a few blind dates through online dating sites -- I didn't like it, and I didn't feel like myself being a member of the site. I think it's great for people who like it, but I just don't think it's for me. BUT I feel a pressure to be doing that. I guess maybe I shoud let that go. I guess one thing you're all suggesting is to just live life as it comes and see what happens. Which is sort of what I *want* to do, but then when I stop "trying" to make myself meet someone, I feel anxious and kind of like I'm not working on something I should be working on. Like, if it doesn't happen years from now, I'll be angry with myself for not being a card carrying member of match.com or something, and not trying harder. But I'd like to think it's okay to just do whatever I feel comfortable doing and maybe I should just accept that. Sometimes I wonder how much my desire to reconcile with my ex is based on the dread of having to attempt to rebuild that kind of intimacy with someone new. And I think this is totally true. I have these daydreams sometimes about getting back together with the ex. And I'm certain all that is, is that it would be easier because we already know each other, had the intimacy there, etc. Not because I actually want to be with him. I sort of knew it but the way you said it makes it even clearer. I hadn't dated too much before I was with my ex, we were fairly young when we met -- he was certainly my first "relationship", and frankly, I liked that. I don't really feel like doing a whole bunch of dating just for the sake of it. It seems quite scary on many levels. Phyxius, it hasn't been six years for me but it's been a long time...we separated in 2005. Granted for awhile afterwards I was just not doing well and wasn't up to this, but things have changed now and I feel more ready. But, it's nice to know there are others who had gone such a long time struggling with these feelings and that it's not just me. And you know, come to think of it...the fact that it's hard to imagine someone being caring, or accepting, or compromising, or kind...probably comes from my using the ex as a frame of reference...and maybe reflects more on the fact that we didn't have that so much, rather than the idea that I can't have that with someone else.
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Post by jules on Mar 16, 2008 12:22:57 GMT -5
Great thread. Nice to know that I'm not the only one a little weirded out by the prospect of "dating like a grown up." In the past I always sort of fell into relationships. It's like learning an entirely new culture. One that I like parts of, but really, really hate other parts of. I'm sort of approaching it as a study in sociology. Definitely a learning experience.
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hope
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Post by hope on Mar 16, 2008 12:40:35 GMT -5
I always sort of just fell into these things too, jules. I'm hoping for that to work out again!
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Post by redskyatnight on Mar 17, 2008 11:52:06 GMT -5
That helped. I've been on a few blind dates through online dating sites -- I didn't like it, and I didn't feel like myself being a member of the site. That's what I dislike about online dating sites too. It seems like everyone is interviewing everyone else and there is too much pressure. What ever happened to just meeting someone and hanging out. Play a game of pool or go bowling and see if you have anything in common besides being single. With that said, just take it one day at a time. There are no expectations when you meet and go from there.
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Post by gdgross on Mar 17, 2008 15:39:00 GMT -5
What ever happened to just meeting someone and hanging out. Play a game of pool or go bowling and see if you have anything in common besides being single. That's the attitude I had when I online dated for several months. Low pressure, just go out and have some fun. It's really not that complicated. At least it wasn't for me. I met a lot of girls online and went on a lot of dates. I still talk to a couple of them. ;D The drawback for me was that there were simply too many options. After my ex left, I had this almost compulsive desire to date as many girls as I could and I think it was hard to see the trees for the forest. I think there were a few girls with whom I could have had a good relationship, if I wasn't so flighty at the time. I couldn't settle down and be happy with one girl for more than a few weeks or a month.
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