How should I respond...

[bobfromacctg]

I arrived at my gf's house this morning around 10:00 and at the time, she was on the phone in her bedroom with the door closed. This was not surprising because she has taken client calls and needed privacy and so the closed door is nothing new for me.

This morning I waited about 45 minutes for her to get finished and then I decided to use the facilities that were right across from her door. As I approached the bathroom I could tell that she is yelling at someone and thinking that that was odd for her to do to a client, I listened. Then my heart stopped because of what I heard and this is the problem.

Yelling at the person on the phone in a VERY angry tone she said "But his unwillingness to continually use the CPAP machine all night long, just means that he has this damn macho male impression that he will never get old and that he will always stay 16. If he continues to not be able to breath at night he is killing brain cells and he is in danger of dying suddenly at night. If that happens, then I will be left having to take care of his f***ing child that is in a wheelchair".

There are no words to describe how upset I was. I slammed the bathroom door so she knew I heard it and very quickly she got off the phone. I was standing by the window looking outside and she said "oops". My response was basically that I had heard enough of that call that "Houston - we have a problem".

So for those of you who do not know, I have a handicapped child who is 21, paralyzed at birth by spina bifida. he is completely self-sufficient, drives, attends school and holds down a job. However, in saying that, he is also a cancer survivor, has a cranial shunt to drain spinal fluid and is going in for bladder reconstruction surgery in July. He has been on a leg bag for his bladder for 4 years because his bladder attrified to the size of a walnut. Other than that, he is a picture of health....

here is a picture of he and I :

i7.tinypic.com/3ygahqt.jpg

So, I'm not really sure how to respond. Evidently she has a real problem with the wheelchair and as someone wiser than I said a very long time a go: "From the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks".

So..that is my dilema. I do not see how in the world I can just let it go - knowing that everytime she is around him, that is what she is thinking.

The other side of the coin, is that I have finally understood what it is like to have someone really want me around and now I will probably have to walk away.

Any opinions about how to deal with this? I am devasted. My boys are my first priority and they know it - they always have been.

[kittenhart]

Bob,

On the one hand, it is awful that you had to overhear that....but on the other hand, at least you know how she really feels....she obviously has alot of fear about her ability to deal with your son if anything were to happen to you... but I guess I don't really see how this is a dealbreaker, exactly. She obviously isn't as used to his circumstances as you are, and doesn't really feel how he is self-sufficient. Granted screaming into the phone isn't the nicest tone....but people do crazy-ass shit when they're stressed out....and it ain't always so pretty.

She is accepting of your son right now when you interact right?
I sort of remember you waiting because of some issues she had with her life, and you waited it out....wouldn't she also be willing to wait for you to get past your denial (that yes you have to wear a cpap machine, and no they're not hawt but staying alive is)? And, by the way, why can't you just wear it every night? I'd imagine that you'd feel a thousand times better in the morning for having worn it and gotten a restful sleep....even if it ain't so pretty.

The whole step-child /step-parent thing can be very difficult manouveuring...disabilities or not....I would think it would take some time to work all that stuff out, right?

I don't know....I'm not even a parent...(and from the sounds of it, she's not either-which is probably why she is so afraid of having to deal if something were to happen to you) but I would say to give it some more time, and not immediately see this as a big problem that has to end your relationship....it doesn't really seem like she's trying to be "ahead" of your sons. Just my 2 cents.

[Phyxius]

Just my 2 cents...

I think you're focusing on the last sentence and not looking at what is really setting her off...

"But his unwillingness to continually use the CPAP machine all night long, just means that he has this damn macho male impression that he will never get old and that he will always stay 16. If he continues to not be able to breath at night he is killing brain cells and he is in danger of dying suddenly at night."

Yes, the last sentence was a shitty thing to say, but the first part is something you need to take a good hard look at as well. She's worried about losing you, and pissed that you won't take care of yourself.

I'm on a CPAP too, and yes - I've started carrying mine on "sleepovers". It ain't pretty, but it helps keep me alive. It'll do the same for you. It was a shock for K the first time she saw me put it on, but she's gotten used to it and knows now that I sleep MUCH better with it than without it.

She's worried about you, man. Look at that part of it, at least...

FWIW,

Sean

[bobfromacctg]

Phyx, I understand your point but here is my take on that situation. I have had the Cpap for 7 days and have used it every night. Some nights I wake up to find that I have taken it off but I don't put it back on because its almost time to get up. Some nights I find that I have taken it off but I have put it back on and gone back to sleep.

So, as for me not taking care of myself, I am doing as much as I can to do that. I have purchased the machine and am using it. Since I am asleep when I take it off, or at least I don't remember it, there is not much that I can do about it.

Also, I have been to more doctors in the last three months than I have ever been in my life. I have had my blood checked, my teeth taken care, an acupuncturist for the numbness in my arm, Xrays of my neck, put on medicine for what was thought to be rhumatoid arthriits but is just oseoarthritis. I have a colonscopy scheduled for my 50,000 mile checkup.... I have changed my diet and lost almost 10 pounds ... All done since I met her and some with her suggestion. So, its not like I am blowing her off and not respecting her wishes...

I understand that she is worried about me but to go from that to using that strong of language towards my son - is just kind of worrisome.

I'm still adjusting to the machine and am going to keep using it and she knows that.

FYI...pretty confusing for me...

[jules]

i'm probably speaking out of turn because i know nothing about this woman other than what you've posted. and i'm sure she has many wonderful qualities for you to have develop the feeling you have for her. but i would have a real problem with anyone who uses "fucking" as an adjective to describe any child. i don't care how frustrating i am, it's just not something in my vernacular. same applies to when talking about someone's mother, father, grandparent, etc.

not that i'm ms. clean mouth. but something about that really rubs me the wrong way.

[pennylane]

Per our conversation last night bob, just wondering how your conversation went today with the gf.

Hope all went well.

[ionysis]

I've got to say Jules makes a good point. It must have been dreadfully hurtful and shocking to hear someone you care about speaking that way and in that tone of voice. I can't imagine ever saying something like that either unless extraordinarily provoked and in the heat of the moment.

But the key thing in all relationships is communication, is it not? I think you need to have a really good talk to her. If she is genuinely remorseful and explains how she was feeling and aplogises perhaps you will feel more comfortable about the situation.

I do hope you can work this out, I know how much it meant to you to find someone who is warm and loving and what an impact she has had on your life given everything that has happened.

Thinking of you.

[midge]

Mar 30, 2008 9:36:28 GMT -5 jules said:

i'm probably speaking out of turn because i know nothing about this woman other than what you've posted. and i'm sure she has many wonderful qualities for you to have develop the feeling you have for her. but i would have a real problem with anyone who uses "fucking" as an adjective to describe any child. i don't care how frustrating i am, it's just not something in my vernacular. same applies to when talking about someone's mother, father, grandparent, etc.

not that i'm ms. clean mouth. but something about that really rubs me the wrong way.

i have to say that i think that is the thing about this that would upset me most- that she used the word "fucking" to describe your child. it shows such contempt for him. i can understand her frustration about the other things and people say all sorts of crazy things when angry and upset, but your child does not deserve to be spoken of in such a way.

additionally, your son seems to do well, and he does have a mother. why does she feel it would be her responsibility to care for your adult son? are you planning to marry?

i was raised by a man who is not my biological father. he had to discipline me and he got to have fun with me, but i came with the package that was my mother. i cannot imagine being with a person who sees anything beyond your physical being a burden- your son is part of you and what makes you you, good and bad.

i will say, regarding your health- part of your total commitment to her should be taking care of yourself and wearing the mask.

from what i know of what you have dealt with with her and her personal/professional issues, i cannot believe the selfishness she has shown in speaking of possibly having to care for your son. everyone is selfish at times and no one is perfect, you obviously need to have a serious discussion with her about how she REALLY feels about you, your family and what kind of future she wants with you.

[bobfromacctg]

Thanks all for your responses - I do appreciate it.

N and I got a chance to talk this morning and that has helped. I am still upset about it but am able to balance it out a little better.

My concern with what she said is (as others have noted as well) is that she used the f** word in front of my son - that turned it from a frustration comment to a personal attack kind of thing. When I explained that to her she broke down because she could see how that would have come across and that was not in anyway how she meant it. Part of her usage of that word is that she was trying to shock her mother into getting off her back and speaking normally to her family, will not shut them up. I have seen that before so I understood when she said that. She also said that she doesn't remember saying it and that is consistent with other times she has had to talk to her family. It upsets her so very much that she just blacks out the converstations.

So where am I? As I told her, she has not exhibited any behaviours or attitudes like that before towards any of my guys, so I am very much inclined to accept that it was a one time thing. I won't however, go to three strikes - two and the game is over. No questions asked. I will not put my boys around someone with that perspective - ever - for a long term kind of arrangement.

So, I am surprised that I am at this point - I really didn't think I would be.

Midge - I guess you missed my description of when/how often I am wearing the mask. There are few times that I have not worn it - so I am wearing it.

Thanks all.

[freckles]

Maybe she is a cusser ?

My ExStepson would cuss all the time

And use the word F****ing as a space filler before and after every word

Or using it to Empasize a word instead of tone

Could be

?

[kittenhart]

yeah, but Freckles, even cussers probably wouldn't use the word like that....I am a cusser (not at work but basically all the rest of the time, I have a potty mouth) it's not a good habit, and I've tried to improve but I still wouldn't use the F word to describe someone's family member....She does seem overly reactive when talking to her mother though...I mean she "blanks out entire chunks of conversation"....that's a high level of stress...and maybe a red flag right there (for some people).

It sounds like you two have talked it out though, Bob....good on you.

[rocko]

You are a TON more understanding than I could EVER be.

You have my respect.

[sheyd]

Frankly, it depends on what kind of cusser she is in certain situations. I have a friend from ojar who uses the F word as a constant - often several times in one sentence, including about GOOD things!

Bob - your son IS independent... so to me it says something that she feels she WOULD have to take care of him. I wouldn't assume even if you were married that a step-spouse would take care of my children upon my death. That to me is also showing a level of caring and feeling of responsibility. Yeah - the words and the feelings of not wanting to care for someone else really isn't cool, but under the stress of the situation, the fact that she still did assume she SHOULD take that care says something too.

Not saying it wouldn't bother me, too - if Harry said Shey's f-ing kids, I would be pretty pissed, too. In the context of the rest of the conversation, though... I think she actually is showing a willingness to be super committed.

Shey

[rocko]

Kevin knows that if something happens to me that I want the kids to go to my parents and him to help them care for them. They have more time to take care of them and all that. We discussed it.

Maybe you need to discuss what yo want if you die with her???

[sheyd]

Whats funny is if I died I WOULD want Harry to take the girls, with more liberal visitation with their daddy than they have now. He is, quite frankly, a better parent. Not that I would say that to their daddy. He would also allow them to stay in their own house, with their same school and friends, while their daddy lives 3 hours away. They would have enough issues dealing with my death, adding all that change on top of it (AND the fact that his wife would NOT be a good caregiver for my eldest and agreed to that when she and I were friends) it would all just be too much. But that said, my ex wouldn't allow it, and I don't think Harry would fight for them at all - even for visitation (which would devastate my middle child to lose Harry). So... if Harry actually felt like he SHOULD watch out for them if I died, I would be thrilled (and so would my girls, particularly the eldest who has already said she would REFUSE to live with her daddy).

Shey