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Post by redskyatnight on Jun 4, 2008 13:38:11 GMT -5
I may be totally out of line here because I don't know all the specifics of what is going on, but I think you are focusing too much energy on what he is thinking and feeling and not enough energy on what you are feeling.
And no, you don't get to say, "I feel like I miss him." How are you feeling when you don't have any thoughts of him. My guess is that your thoughts are consumed by him right now.
Break free of that for one minute and think about yourself and your life right now. Give him the freedom he needs and take the freedom you need.
PS Its natural to want to share all the stuff you do with him, especially when special events happen. Just think of all you will have to talk about when he comes home.
PPS I knew my marriage was in serious trouble when I got a raise at work and I didn't want to tell the man I was married to, so wanting to talk with him is a sign that he is still a part of you. I'm sure he will tell you all about his adventures too.
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Post by sheyd on Jun 4, 2008 15:34:14 GMT -5
I am actually NOT consumed with thoughts of him, and despite what I post here, am pretty calm about it all... But when I do think of him my thoughts go up and down so much it is almost humorous. What is really funny is that he texted this morning... then called at lunchtime. Not only that, but he said he will probably call tonight (and yes, I will be calm if he doesn't). I think what it really is is that I am hoping this time lets him truly figure out how he feels and be able to communicate it somehow. Like Jim said - have a greater appreciation... or, on the pessimistic side, decide and discover it really ISN'T that important to him, me and the girls and this life... I don't think he really has ever thought about it, he believes in drifting along like a river, I believe in knowing where you are and where you want to be. Yes, Jim, I don't get to choose for him, but I also know what my own relationship needs and desires are - and that is one of them. At any rate, I reminded him he didn't call after the graduation, and you could just about HEAR the head slapping as he said "I can't believe I forgot that!" That made me feel a ton better - it wasn't that it wasn't important, he just forgot. (I forget important things all the time!) He also was telling me what was happening for him, which was HUGE to me. I always feel so much better after we actually talk. Seyfert - most of my day IS about not being with him - even when he is here. I have a very busy stressful work (although you might not think it with how much I post here ) I am busy every night until bedtime, I am behind on home projects, and can barely get enough time to get dinner on the table! My life is nowhere NEAR focused on him... but I NEED to take time TO focus on this a bit - try to clear some fog and figure it all out. Try to figure out what I need/want, and if he is that. Part of that, Jim, is to gauge by his actions/reactions/statements if the guy I see/hear is the guy I want. It isn't mindreading (although that would sure make it simpler) but I do need to examine how and who he is to the best of my ability - just to see if that matches enough with my needs. As a dear friend pointed out - the probability is high that I am sticking this one out - but if I do, it will be after thinking it through, and knowing what I need and what I am willing (and not willing) to tolerate. I have been drifting too... and doing a little of the "I wish it was this way so I will see it as this way". Trying to strip that away. oh - and strip away the "I fear it isn't the way I wish, so I will assume the worst so I won't get hurt". I want to see as clear as possible... Thin the mud a bit, as it were... LOL
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Post by JimB on Jun 4, 2008 16:08:30 GMT -5
Part of that, Jim, is to gauge by his actions/reactions/statements if the guy I see/hear is the guy I want. OK, but attaching too much importance to observation and judgment of his actions/reactions/statements is a pitfall to be avoided. If we judge our partners with pure reason, not only will they never be good enough, but we'll also be short changing ourselves. Eyes wide open is good, but the benefit of the doubt is better. Nothing feeds a relationship like a positive attitude.
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Post by sheyd on Jun 10, 2008 10:26:00 GMT -5
I am definitely lacking positive attitude at the moment. I am loving being on my own again, and really questioning some things, at the same time. I am waiting to see what happens when he gets back, but at this point in time, the distance isn't a bad thing, for me. I think I am ready to go without talking for several more days, see if my mind can wrap around a few things.
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Post by Phyxius on Jun 10, 2008 16:49:20 GMT -5
That's not a bad thing (trying to wrap your mind around things). The bottom line here is:
What do YOU want? Not what is going to make H happy, or what can you live with, but WHAT DO YOU WANT? And then the next question - - can H give that to you?
You've got a more detailed PM coming...
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Post by JimB on Jun 13, 2008 8:34:41 GMT -5
(((hugs)))
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Post by bobfromacctg on Jun 13, 2008 10:05:08 GMT -5
I am so sorry Shey. As you know, you want someone who wants YOU - everyone deserves that in a relationship. I'm also sorry it took so long to be finalized, since this has been building for quite a while.
dang..
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Post by sheyd on Jun 14, 2008 21:39:01 GMT -5
Not finalized yet... We are "letting it rest" for awhile. He is here for six months, at least, so they will be pressureless "together" time. At this point, we are NOT saying anymore that he is moving at the end of that time, although the option is always there. He has "worked" on trying to romantically show love to me for so long, neither of us know what his real feelings are.
For me... the heartbreak over taking away another daddy from my girls was WAY worse than the heartbreak of laying next to someone who doesn't romantically love me. So... For now, at least, we are just going to stay together, ONLY do what comes naturally, and see where it takes us. It may take us apart... (at a more convenient time) but at least other options are there now. Honestly, since I took the pressure off and said "only do what you feel" - he started acting more loving! Not sure if that will last, or go away, or get stronger - but it makes the 6 months easier to bear knowing they won't be waiting every moment, crying inside every moment. If he goes, it will be after I have enjoyed him for at least 6 more months, during which I will KNOW that every act of affection is ONLY because he feels it. Who knows where that will lead?
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Post by freckles on Jun 14, 2008 21:47:39 GMT -5
Love is not what you feel Love is what you do Love is giving Love is Caring Love is a Choice Love is not a feeling I wish you could Hear Dr Laura Slessenger when She talks about this She does it much better than I can Anyways God Bless You
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Post by jules on Jun 15, 2008 9:44:33 GMT -5
wow, shey. i don't even know what to say other than to offer support to you in whatever you and your family decide to do.
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Post by rocko on Jun 16, 2008 9:41:46 GMT -5
If you need to talk to someone (I think) you still have my number. If not, let me know and you will have it soon.
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Post by sheyd on Jun 16, 2008 9:48:55 GMT -5
I can't tell you how much I appreciate that none of you have tried to push me in any direction. I feel pretty fragile right now. He is showing more affection, seems glad to see me, glad to be home. He seems to be trying more now than when he was trying - or to be more relaxed and able to show it. I, on the other hand, feel very distant and depressed. Maybe I am just tired from the travel, tomorrow will probably be better.
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Post by kittenhart on Jun 16, 2008 10:44:35 GMT -5
Honestly, since I took the pressure off and said "only do what you feel" - he started acting more loving! Not sure if that will last, or go away, or get stronger - but it makes the 6 months easier to bear knowing they won't be waiting every moment, crying inside every moment. If he goes, it will be after I have enjoyed him for at least 6 more months, during which I will KNOW that every act of affection is ONLY because he feels it. Who knows where that will lead? Shey, this statement kind of sums it up for me.....I feel for you....and I can't offer you any advice but I think you are going about things the best way you can, and taking some time apart was probably the best thing to do, to clear your minds. I do know, from my own marriage, that living with someone who doesn't meet you at least halfway emotionally can be very draining. What seems like fatigue and being tired all the time could be depression. (((((Hugs))))
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Post by redskyatnight on Jun 16, 2008 14:46:23 GMT -5
You probably ARE tired from all the travel and when you combine that with all the emotional energy you have spent trying to fix this problem, you need a good long nap.
Sometimes, I find the best way to get a fresh approach to a problem is to forget about it. But I must say that it works better for me in my job than in my personal life. For example, I'm a computer support technician and people bring me ALL kinds of problems. Sometimes, there is one that just stumps me and google doesn't have the answers either.
I put the machine aside, go outside and relax, then bang! a new approach to the problem will suddenly pop into my head.
It's much harder to do in relationships, but being tired may be one way of your head and your body saying, "ENOUGH" Get some rest. Tomorrow is another day.
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Post by sheyd on Jun 16, 2008 15:06:50 GMT -5
I just got some good advice from RO too, which helped. I need to drink more, eat healthy, relax, and adjust my attitude from "its so hard" to "its my choice, and I need to make the best of whatever choice I make!" Gonna get there... gonna get there....
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