JC
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Post by JC on Jun 10, 2008 6:25:28 GMT -5
im not saying be the parent that says if you cant do it i'll do it for you, that is just silly. and im not saying micro-manage your child thru college. that does a diservice to a child too. believe it or not, there is a god damn balance in there. there are ways to teach a child responsibility, that dont include telling them at 12 to take the reins for school.... im sorry, but to me part of raising kids is actually teaching them how to be good adults. and 12 is too young to sink or swim... do you realize that if she were in high school, how bad an F would be for her GPA?? and all you would have to do to prevent that is actually being involved in her school work? im not talking breaking out her homework every night with her, she IS too old for that, but actually knowing what is going on with her school work enough to know she has a project due isnt micromanaging, and trust me, she would still recognize when to take the garbage out as an adult.... there are other ways to teach responsibilty than letting her fuck herself out of getting the very scholarships you are counting on her getting.
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Post by rocko on Jun 10, 2008 8:00:54 GMT -5
She is making sure she is getting her stuff in before it hurts the grades.  |
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JC
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Post by JC on Jun 10, 2008 8:03:50 GMT -5
She is making sure she is getting her stuff in before it hurts the grades. umm no she is not... if i read it right she got an extension or soemthing, and still had a couple of assignments that didnt get in |
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Post by sheyd on Jun 10, 2008 8:39:36 GMT -5
Her final grades this semester- when the two assignments didn't get in, were 8 A's (with a couple pluses thrown in), 1 B+ and 1 B, and the class she was missing the two assignments is the B+. I AM making sure she gets the grades, but I DO disagree, Jc, that I should have to. At almost 12, she should be aware of what is due and doing it for herself. Since she isn't - I agree I need to monitor her a bit more, until she DOES learn it, and find ways to teach it to her without jeapardizing her grades. She wants to start babysitting next year. If she has a kid who needs meds, she better be aware of when things are due. She needs to be more responsible for her own schedule. However, I DO agree - it is my job to teach her that responsibility, including in school. I don't think any of us are that different, it is just how and when that lesson is delivered.
And Jc - this is said with love, too - it is ok to be angry - but re-read before you post and make sure you are comfortable with the level of anger showing in the words. Plus, why get angry over this? You and I have often disagreed over parenting, but we both know we do what we do out of love for our kids and in our best efforts, and we both know all our kids will be fine! S'not worth getting upset about!
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JC
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Post by JC on Jun 10, 2008 9:43:48 GMT -5
im not angry... i guess i just have a potty mouth  i do agree that everyone is different.. because there is no WAY i would let a 13 year old stay home alone, let alone babysit. ;D |
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Post by sheyd on Jun 10, 2008 10:37:55 GMT -5
Yikes - when your kids hit 13 (or earlier!) they are going to hate you!   My 11 year old has already stayed home for up to 2 hours alone. She has been "in charge" of her sleeping sisters for 5 minutes when I ran to the post office. Other than that, the 9 and 6 don't stay alone or with her ever. I was babysitting for 1/2 hour at a time at 9, and all day by 11. In Duluth they have babysitting clinics, and by law 12 year olds are allowed to babysit. By observation, mine would do pretty well, most of the time. She looks out for her sisters already without me telling her to (making the 6 year old breakfast if I am not awake yet, etc.) She is already learning to cook, starting to do some of her own laundry, etc. I want them all to be independent. By 14 I was in theater shows with adults, my parents knew they could trust me. I want my girls to be at the same place. If they aren't even alone at 13, what about when they want to date at 15 (or earlier)? There has to be a progression of trust and independence... |
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JC
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Post by JC on Jun 10, 2008 10:46:49 GMT -5
Yikes - when your kids hit 13 (or earlier!) they are going to hate you! My 11 year old has already stayed home for up to 2 hours alone. She has been "in charge" of her sleeping sisters for 5 minutes when I ran to the post office. Other than that, the 9 and 6 don't stay alone or with her ever. I was babysitting for 1/2 hour at a time at 9, and all day by 11. In Duluth they have babysitting clinics, and by law 12 year olds are allowed to babysit. By observation, mine would do pretty well, most of the time. She looks out for her sisters already without me telling her to (making the 6 year old breakfast if I am not awake yet, etc.) She is already learning to cook, starting to do some of her own laundry, etc. I want them all to be independent. By 14 I was in theater shows with adults, my parents knew they could trust me. I want my girls to be at the same place. If they aren't even alone at 13, what about when they want to date at 15 (or earlier)? There has to be a progression of trust and independence... no i dont think so... my kids will learn independance trust me. but i am their mother, not my oldest child... i am here to take care of them feed them cloth them, and raise them. to each there own.... dont expect much advice on the topic from me anymore, and dont ever fucking say my kids will hate me when they get older. joking or not, considering my childhood, and who i am, and WHY i am who i am, that was a fucked up thing to say. |
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Post by sheyd on Jun 10, 2008 11:02:27 GMT -5
I WAS just joking - you know that - and yes, I DO know now that you point it out that I shouldn't have joked that way... but you DO know that your kids just WILL hate you, at various times - and that is NOT a bad thing! The only way they wouldn't is if you let them have their way with everything and spoil them rotten. Otherwise there will always be someone who is more lenient, someone who gives more.
If you end up too sensitive on this issue, you are going to have a REALLY hard time as your boys get older. "I hate you" is a phrase that is NOT tolerated in my house, so I get "I really don't like you at all right now", "You're the worst mother in the world", "you are ruining my life", "how can you do this to me" on a regular basis. In fact, me saying she HAD to turn in two worksheets that didn't affect her already respectable B+ in an advanced writing class I heard all four of those statements along with several other variations. I am sure at that moment she DID hate me, but I know I was doing the right thing - I couldn't let it slide.
It was a joke - but it is a truth too. As you pointed out to me before, you are the mom, not the best friend. They WILL hate you at times, because you are a good mom!
As for the slain girl - that is tragic. She was 16, though - you don't think a 16 year old can't be alone? What if she was 18? 21? The outcome wouldn't have been different, it wasn't an age thing. Those horrible things should NEVER happen, but they do... here in Duluth a woman and her 9 year old boy were tied up by burglars who broke into their home. Her being there didn't protect him. There are just some sick people in the world, the best we can do is raise our kids to not be one of them! I still say my mother-in-law's best found statement was "to decide to have kids is to decide to forever have your heart walking around outside your body". It is a scary world, but they have to live in it on their own sometime.
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JC
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Post by JC on Jun 10, 2008 11:12:46 GMT -5
i can GUARANTEE none of my kids would ever talk to me like that. i would put money on it... and its not because i am a tyrant and they are scared of me.
yes it is a big bad scary world, and kids have to learn to live in it. and yeah 16 is old enough to stay at home but 12 is not....
like i said, to each there own. it doesnt take a genious to see that you and i are exact opposites shey... so there is no point in discussing this with ME any further.
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Post by sheyd on Jun 10, 2008 11:22:34 GMT -5
I'll take that money bet! I was a loving kid with a TON of independence (yes, and spoiled), my mom was my maid of honor at my wedding, we talk daily, I love and respect her. I STILL said those things to her. Tweens and teen rebel against any restrictions or anything that makes them different from their friends. That is just the way it is. If you can find me one person who NEVER said those things to their parents I would drop the bet. I think it is that unlikely.
I know you love and are loving to your kids, and they you - but tweens and teens are different. The same girl who said those things to me that day sat on my lap that night and got mad at me because I took too long to tuck her in and kiss her. I know you won't believe it now, jc - but you will see a change in your kids as they grow. Parents who aren't expecting it end up clamping down so hard on their kids they drive them away more... just be careful. That is how I ended up with my niece living with me for all four of her teenage years.
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JC
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Post by JC on Jun 10, 2008 11:26:33 GMT -5
I'll take that money bet! I was a loving kid with a TON of independence (yes, and spoiled), my mom was my maid of honor at my wedding, we talk daily, I love and respect her. I STILL said those things to her. Tweens and teen rebel against any restrictions or anything that makes them different from their friends. That is just the way it is. If you can find me one person who NEVER said those things to their parents I would drop the bet. I think it is that unlikely. I know you love and are loving to your kids, and they you - but tweens and teens are different. The same girl who said those things to me that day sat on my lap that night and got mad at me because I took too long to tuck her in and kiss her. I know you won't believe it now, jc - but you will see a change in your kids as they grow. Parents who aren't expecting it end up clamping down so hard on their kids they drive them away more... just be careful. That is how I ended up with my niece living with me for all four of her teenage years. this is not always true. i'll say it again, there IS a balance. |
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Post by sheyd on Jun 10, 2008 11:37:56 GMT -5
I know it isn't always true... but I care about you a lot, and I just want to make sure it DOESN'T happen to you! Realistic expectations can go a long way towards making sure it doesn't - and thinking your kids won't ever feel that way about you just isn't realistic - especially since you ARE a good and protective mom who won't just cave to peer (or kid) pressure.
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Jun 10, 2008 12:03:18 GMT -5
Oh jeeze.................I have to say that I agree with JC. I see the difference between the time when I was less a diciplinarian with my kids to now when the rules are strictly enforced. Life is much more peaceful for us all now.
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Post by sheyd on Jun 10, 2008 12:36:53 GMT -5
Yes, discipline is good - but that also has to be balanced with more and more freedom as they age. Kids with too strict discipline as teens either end up sheep unable to make their own decisions or rebel because they want to be their own person. Not as youngers, like you guys have, but teens - although if you are strict enough you can keep the peace until they leave your house, but god help them then! I think you have to go through raising a teen to know what I mean. I raised one already, so I have a pretty good taste, but I didn't get her until those years, it was a lot easier to be more objective. I'm sure it will be a lot harder with my own, and I will be asking for survival help then!
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Jun 10, 2008 12:43:36 GMT -5
Yeah well Im watching one of the best fathers I have ever seen raise three teens right now. And I can tell you that the permissive, let her figure out this for herself at 12 is not gonna fly.
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i do agree that everyone is different.. because there is no WAY i would let a 13 year old stay home alone, let alone babysit. ;D
My 11 year old has already stayed home for up to 2 hours alone. She has been "in charge" of her sleeping sisters for 5 minutes when I ran to the post office. Other than that, the 9 and 6 don't stay alone or with her ever.