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Post by JimB on Sept 8, 2008 14:50:54 GMT -5
Shey is playing with her Wii Fit.
Goods is working on t shirts.
;D
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Post by shattered on Sept 8, 2008 16:48:44 GMT -5
What is Wii Fit? Is he tye-dying T-shirts? Like a hippie?
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Post by shattered on Sept 8, 2008 16:58:28 GMT -5
OK. File this under "when it seems too good to be true...."
French guy called me this morning.
Says the U.S. embassy isn't renewing his green card because he's been outside of the U.S. for longer than six months.
So, he's not coming on Sept. 21 after all.
He says he "will do the maximum" to straighten things out and come here as soon as possible.
Whatever that means.
I really have no idea when -- or if -- I'll ever see him again.
When he told me, my whole body was flooded with this sickening all-too-familiar feeling of "Oh my God, I knew it, here we go again, why can't anything just ever work out, I knew it, I knew this was too good to be true," etc.
My fear reaction is often to act angry, as a way of pretending that I'm not hurt.
So I hurled this at him: "I have no intention of spending the next year on the phone with you listening every week to your ever-changing stories. I don't want to do it, and I'm not going to do it. I'm just not going to do it."
Tell me: Was I being bitchy, or assertive?
Honestly, I have no idea.
I spent nearly three years being such a doormat with my ex, and I'm so determined to never let that happen again, that I can't even judge these things anymore. Am I going too far in the other direction?
He said he understood why I said that, and that he certainly doesn't want to spend the foreseeable future on the phone either. He swore that his feelings weren't going to change, that he meant everything he told me in Paris, he'd never lie to me, yaddah yaddah....
But he kept saying if I wanted to change my mind and "take a decision" he wouldn't be mad at me. After the third or fourth time, I said, "Why do you keep saying that? I haven't said one peep about 'taking a decision' - is that what you want? You sure sound like it."
He said, no, no, that's not what he wants, that's the last thing in the world he wants, but he just feels so bad for promising me something he can't keep.
I have no clue what's going to happen.
I have no clue what I should do.
How do I handle this? I mean mentally? I really need to stay sane. I need to keep my promise to myself that I will never let another human being rule my life again.
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Post by freckles on Sept 8, 2008 22:37:30 GMT -5
OK. File this under "when it seems too good to be true...." French guy called me this morning. Says the U.S. embassy isn't renewing his green card because he's been outside of the U.S. for longer than six months. So, he's not coming on Sept. 21 after all. He says he "will do the maximum" to straighten things out and come here as soon as possible. Whatever that means. I really have no idea when -- or if -- I'll ever see him again. When he told me, my whole body was flooded with this sickening all-too-familiar feeling of "Oh my God, I knew it, here we go again, why can't anything just ever work out, I knew it, I knew this was too good to be true," etc. My fear reaction is often to act angry, as a way of pretending that I'm not hurt. So I hurled this at him: "I have no intention of spending the next year on the phone with you listening every week to your ever-changing stories. I don't want to do it, and I'm not going to do it. I'm just not going to do it." Tell me: Was I being bitchy, or assertive? Honestly, I have no idea. I spent nearly three years being such a doormat with my ex, and I'm so determined to never let that happen again, that I can't even judge these things anymore. Am I going too far in the other direction? He said he understood why I said that, and that he certainly doesn't want to spend the foreseeable future on the phone either. He swore that his feelings weren't going to change, that he meant everything he told me in Paris, he'd never lie to me, yaddah yaddah.... But he kept saying if I wanted to change my mind and "take a decision" he wouldn't be mad at me. After the third or fourth time, I said, "Why do you keep saying that? I haven't said one peep about 'taking a decision' - is that what you want? You sure sound like it." He said, no, no, that's not what he wants, that's the last thing in the world he wants, but he just feels so bad for promising me something he can't keep. I have no clue what's going to happen. I have no clue what I should do. How do I handle this? I mean mentally? I really need to stay sane. I need to keep my promise to myself that I will never let another human being rule my life again. He can apply for a Fiancee Visa
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Post by soupnazi on Sept 8, 2008 23:26:33 GMT -5
Ugh...Freckles, I really respect where you are coming from, but not everyone wants to get married.
Shattered, I hope all of this works out for you. I haven't commented on this thread, although I have followed it, and it really sounds like the two of you want to at least see where this goes. Try not to (if you can) let your past experiences dictate your future. A little patience may go a long way.
And, I don't say that lightly...I am in the "new" of a relationship as well, and am really focused on that patience thing...
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Post by redskyatnight on Sept 9, 2008 5:48:52 GMT -5
My first thought when he said he couldn't get a green card was, "why can't he get a tourist visa and just come for a visit?" Was he planning to move back here?
The only advice I have for you mentally is to take a huge step back and recoup. You are already suffering and wondering. You had some reservations to begin with and now he has added a few more things for you to think about. Start planning things to do without him. If he can work it all out, good. If he can't, you won't be so emotionally attached to him. Better to move back now instead of later.
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Post by JimB on Sept 9, 2008 8:36:17 GMT -5
My gut says that was an overreaction.
But then, I don't know enough about international travel to know what his other options are. Seems a little odd that no green card means no trip, without exploring other options.
It's not a bad thing that you're protecting yourself, but do you want to see him or not? If you want to see him, perhaps the best thing to do would be to say so, and see if there's another way he can get here. Or get him to commit to an alternative plan - perhaps he can let you know what the time table is on clearing up his green card issues so you know when to expect him.
To go out on a bit of a limb, it seems to me like his feelings are so intense that he's allowing them to interfere with his thinking process. It's possible he got so caught up in your reaction to the news that he lost track of the need to give you another option. There are courses of action that lie between the fairy tale ending and the nightmare ending.
I say give him the benefit of the doubt, but pin him down to some new commitment, since it appears he can't keep this one. That gives you a little more control.
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Post by jules on Sept 9, 2008 10:03:46 GMT -5
Try not to (if you can) let your past experiences dictate your future. A little patience may go a long way. Very good advice. I'm working on this myself. It's a balance between learning from past mistakes and letting past experiences keep you from looking at each situation as unique. Like someone recently told me, there's a difference between repeatedly putting your finger in a light socket and thinking that everything is a light socket! As for your response -- yeah, it was bitchy. And I totally understand because I too tend to go the bitch route in some kind of warped effort to maintain self-preservation when I think I'm going to get hurt. It was an emotional reaction -- it happens. It won't make or break the two of you. Just talk it out, and explain the reason behind it. Yeah, it's kind of hard to admit vulnerability, but sometimes it needs to be done. And invite him for a visit -- no green card needed. If he doesn't follow through on a visit... then I'd start wondering. (And, yeah, probably getting bitchy. )
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Post by hoodieprincess on Sept 9, 2008 10:15:06 GMT -5
As for your response -- yeah, it was bitchy. And I totally understand because I too tend to go the bitch route in some kind of warped effort to maintain self-preservation when I think I'm going to get hurt. It was an emotional reaction -- it happens. It won't make or break the two of you. Just talk it out, and explain the reason behind it. Yeah, it's kind of hard to admit vulnerability, but sometimes it needs to be done. Very good advice. I find I tend to be this way too. Anger is my way of being guarded and my little mode of self-preservation. And hun, I totally get what you are saying about when you make a commitment to yourself to never fall victim as you had before. But you have to be careful. You really have to find balance. If you are stern and steadfast in your sticking to your own guns all the time and never letting anyone else have an effect on you, you are stuck in stand-still. You can't have good emotions without bad now and then. I am so sorry you're hurting. It seems logical and rational for you to be upset. I think French guy may have been so busy trying to find a way to comfort you, he forgot to give you any assurance. And, as you talked to him, not us, you know better than anyone of he carried the "this is the end of the line" tone or if he really seems like he's going to make another effort. As stated before by me and some other people, keep living your own life. You can find things for you here...You alone. Take pride in yourself and the world you've worked so hard to make for yourself. If he makes it here, he does and if not, you won't feel as though you've already started settling into a path laid out for when he gets here. You know you can PM me if you need anything at all. {{BIG HUGS}}
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Post by redskyatnight on Sept 9, 2008 13:29:27 GMT -5
I can over react too and get caught up in all the worry.
If I stop and think, I can regroup.
Answer these three questions:
1. What do you know? objectively You talk to him everyday. He said he was moving back on Sept 21. He has a plane ticket he has to use. He has family here. He has a job here. He has promised to be in the United States for you. He has said he won't be able to make it on Sept 21. What else, think about it for at least 30 minutes before answering the next question.
2. How does what you know make you feel? Only you can answer this
3. What do you need to happen for your plans to work out? Do you need to be copied on email? Do you need to see the documentation that says he can't come back yet? Do you need to see his green card application? Only you can answer what you need to happen, but when you make it more objective, it removes the emotions and you can think a little more clearly.
Beat of luck to you.
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Post by shattered on Sept 9, 2008 15:52:55 GMT -5
Thank you so much, everyone!
Frecks, fiance visa is not an option -- neither I, nor the French guy, would get engaged or married for such a reason. Only when we're sure we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Too early to know that at this stage.
OK, we talked a lot last night, and again this morning.
I apologized to him for my bitchy comment, telling him that I just was just hit with this feeling that I would never see him again, got really scared, and didn't want to admit that I was scared. He very generously said there was no reason whatsoever to apologize.
He told me a bunch of stuff about rules and regulation that I didn't understand, but somehow the bottom line seems to be that he will be able to come to the U.S. no later than October 15, not with a green card, just on a regular tourist visa.
He will then straighten out the green card situation once he is here.
He said all the right things -- his only concern is coming to the U.S. to be with me, I'm the only one for him, I will always be the only one, etc., etc., etc., and I ate it up like a love-sick teenager. ;D
OK, I actually really do believe him.
I am not at all convinced, however, that he will be showing up here by Oct. 15. Not because I doubt his sincerity, but because I doubt the competence of thise embassy idiots -- who gave him gross misinformation in the past, which directly contributed to the mess he's in now!
I told him he can't 100 percent believe what the embassy guys say, that he needs to contact an immigration lawyer to confirm that they got it right.
He said he knew a laywer and would do so. I told him I also got name & phone number of an immigration lawyer from a friend of me, and he could call there if he wanted.
So, it's up to him now to call a lawyer and see if the embassy guys are right or not.
Feeling much more reassured about his feelings and intentions; not at all reassured about the practical aspect of things.
I'll keep you posted.
Thank you all again so much for your wonderful replies.
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Post by shattered on Sept 10, 2008 9:31:01 GMT -5
He called me last night.
He's spoken to his lawyer -- who confirmed that what the embassy guys told him this time around is true.
He'll come here as a tourist. He has a job waiting here for him -- the workplace will sponsor/set into motion/whatever the process for a new green card.
He says -- swears!! -- he's going to book a ticket this week for either Oct. 7 or Oct. 15 -- no later.
Oh, man, I so hope I'm not being an idiot for hoping....
Have I mentioned that I'm kinda gaga over him?
Strike the "kinda."
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Sept 10, 2008 17:03:54 GMT -5
lol, you my dear are adorable!!
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