Post by yellowjacket on Oct 28, 2008 13:24:18 GMT -5
I looked back for years after my first dog died thinking I did not give him the life he should have had. I didn't play with him enough. I was so busy in high school but that isn't an excuse. I had a lot of guilt.
My ex's dogs used to bark at my dog Riven about once or twice a day. They would do it aggressively as if warning or attacking. Some times they would all jump at each other but it was never actual biting. It caused me a lot of guilt. I felt like I was compromising him by bringing him there. He is very sensitive and spent a lot of time just laying by himself.
I started hanging around with a woman last December who had cats. I brought Riven over there once and the first trip over there her cat scratches Riven right between the eyes. It was thin but drew blood. I never brought him around them again.
I had been with Natalie from the end of March of this year. We were very much in love. She constantly said so many things about how happy she was in this relationship, with the communication, the affection, attention, etc. In general she doesn't like 99% of men and believes there are no good men out there but she was always telling me that I'm wonderful to her. I made it clear many times I wanted to spend my life with her.
In my 20's I decided I didn't want to have children and I had a vasectomy. Natalie has a child, Quanah, and I was open to all of the possibilities once I met him.
I told Natalie about all of the dog stuff early on. I told her if she had a dog Riven would most likely be unhappy. At first she seemed to understand this. She once told a friend I wouldn't "let" her have a dog. I had a conversation about that with her because I am not controlling and don't want her or her friends to think I am. This is important to me and especially with Natalie. One of her big issues coming in was guys controlling her and I was constantly mindful of that.
She brought up getting a dog one time after a book club meeting while three of us were just hanging out after. I said something about Riven being unhappy and she said "Riven can just deal." That hurt but I didn't make an issue of it.
She started looking at dog pictures the weekend of the 11th. She pretty much said on Wednesday the 15th that it was definite now. We looked at my breeds encyclopedia and I sent her a link to a place on Wikipedia that has all dog breeds. I was excited with her and there wasn't a trace of the Riven aspect outwardly though I was really disappointed inside. It made me feel like it was all about what Quanah wanted and not a balance between the two of us and how much one thing affected each.
On Friday the 17th, I wanted to again mention that this could be an issue for us. I stated if her dog was aggressive and bit Riven every time we came over and we did what we could but it didn't stop, we wouldn't be able to be together still. I said I support her in whatever decision she wants to make and her happiness and Quanah's happiness matter, not just mine.
When I brought up the issue to her on the 17th I accidentally used the phrase "we couldn't date anymore" and that was wrong of me. We weren't just dating. We were very much in love and she had already brought up marriage. Use of the word "date" was just an accident while I was just rambling off my thoughts. She completely knew where I stood on us being together, that we were very much in love, etc. She knew from my words and actions, from the little things to the big stuff like personal gifts for her birthday that took a long time to create.
She mentioned my use of the term "dating". I said at first it was just a label and wasn't what I meant. She said it wasn't just a label and it was very hurtful. I apologized immediately and said I was wrong to say "dating" and it just came to mind.
At first she was just sad that I could consider ever breaking up in any condition. As time went on she got really upset about it. She went on about making a list of what else I'd leave her for, said things like "kicking her to the curb", etc. She left and I didn't hear from her until a small e-mail on Sunday, two days later. I answered it as quickly as I could and didn't hear from her again until Tuesday when she ended it via e-mail.
I called her after I saw the e-mail but she was just clinging to the negativity and was being a bit of an emotional bully. She wouldn't show any softness at all and wouldn't give me even the smallest point. She'd bring up my use of the word "dating" again. I'd again apologize and say it was wrong but that it wasn't what I meant. I said think of my words and actions throughout our relationship and you'll know obviously I don't think we're just dating. I said I made a mistake. She claimed I don't make mistakes like that (meaning with words) and that it said a lot. I said, "That's not fair and I'm not going to let you have that point..." at which point she cut me off and said, "Fine, win it!" really coldly. There was NO feeling of a partner working together to find a way.
No one that I've ever been with has been this ugly during stressed times.
She had huge issues with men when we started. The other women in the book club had warned me off her saying she is a man-hater. I cured her of many of these. She was afraid to show herself to a man and afraid all men were going to blow up at her during moments of anger or tension. I got her to trust me enough to show me herself completely and I never once dealt with her in anger even when she did some things that hurt me. We had amazing communication and closeness.
The reality is that I would have worked really hard to make sure there weren't any issues for Riven. I would have done everything I could to never have to break up with her. And I told her this. But more important than being with her, for me, is seeing myself as a good person who does what he thinks is right. Ensuring a good life for Riven is part of that.
I can't get past the logic of her being so angry with me for believing there could be some small chance of me breaking up with her while she's making it 100% in breaking up with me. Yes, she risks her heart. But I risk mine too. I always had to accept a non-zero chance of her breaking up with me whether she claimed it was zero, whether we talked about some specific circumstance, etc. We both faced "your partner might break up with you." I think I probably faced it more because she has a son and so I'm #2 in her life while she's #1 in mine. On that point it gets even more in favor of my claim. She HAD broken up with me before. It was in June. I didn't do anything wrong and there was no good reason for it. It happened on a Friday night around 6 and she came back to me Saturday morning and realized it had been a huge mistake.
She is a runner/quitter, though. She mentioned that in book club once when we were talking about relationships and fights and all. She said, "I'm all about the running."
During our phone conversation after she ended it via e-mail, I mentioned that it seemed like she wasn't willing to trade off Quanah's desires with mine and consider how much actions affected both of us and in what ways. She said, "I wouldn't even deny him a lollipop" and stopped. It was almost like she was gritting her teeth she said it so harshly. Which I take means Quanah would always get whatever he wanted no matter at what cost that came to me. It's things like this that I will keep in mind to help me get over her. It helps me envision an unhappy future where I would always be sacrificed.
Before we became a couple I once talked to her about her meeting people through a single-parent group. She said it sounds horrible but she doesn't want to date someone with a child and have to make room in her life.
Today is a week since the breakup. I sent her an e-mail last night asking if she'd be willing to talk on the phone but her response was short, very cold, and made it clear we'll never be together again. At no point did we ever sit face to face and try to work through this like two people in love hoping to get past any hurt.
My ex's dogs used to bark at my dog Riven about once or twice a day. They would do it aggressively as if warning or attacking. Some times they would all jump at each other but it was never actual biting. It caused me a lot of guilt. I felt like I was compromising him by bringing him there. He is very sensitive and spent a lot of time just laying by himself.
I started hanging around with a woman last December who had cats. I brought Riven over there once and the first trip over there her cat scratches Riven right between the eyes. It was thin but drew blood. I never brought him around them again.
I had been with Natalie from the end of March of this year. We were very much in love. She constantly said so many things about how happy she was in this relationship, with the communication, the affection, attention, etc. In general she doesn't like 99% of men and believes there are no good men out there but she was always telling me that I'm wonderful to her. I made it clear many times I wanted to spend my life with her.
In my 20's I decided I didn't want to have children and I had a vasectomy. Natalie has a child, Quanah, and I was open to all of the possibilities once I met him.
I told Natalie about all of the dog stuff early on. I told her if she had a dog Riven would most likely be unhappy. At first she seemed to understand this. She once told a friend I wouldn't "let" her have a dog. I had a conversation about that with her because I am not controlling and don't want her or her friends to think I am. This is important to me and especially with Natalie. One of her big issues coming in was guys controlling her and I was constantly mindful of that.
She brought up getting a dog one time after a book club meeting while three of us were just hanging out after. I said something about Riven being unhappy and she said "Riven can just deal." That hurt but I didn't make an issue of it.
She started looking at dog pictures the weekend of the 11th. She pretty much said on Wednesday the 15th that it was definite now. We looked at my breeds encyclopedia and I sent her a link to a place on Wikipedia that has all dog breeds. I was excited with her and there wasn't a trace of the Riven aspect outwardly though I was really disappointed inside. It made me feel like it was all about what Quanah wanted and not a balance between the two of us and how much one thing affected each.
On Friday the 17th, I wanted to again mention that this could be an issue for us. I stated if her dog was aggressive and bit Riven every time we came over and we did what we could but it didn't stop, we wouldn't be able to be together still. I said I support her in whatever decision she wants to make and her happiness and Quanah's happiness matter, not just mine.
When I brought up the issue to her on the 17th I accidentally used the phrase "we couldn't date anymore" and that was wrong of me. We weren't just dating. We were very much in love and she had already brought up marriage. Use of the word "date" was just an accident while I was just rambling off my thoughts. She completely knew where I stood on us being together, that we were very much in love, etc. She knew from my words and actions, from the little things to the big stuff like personal gifts for her birthday that took a long time to create.
She mentioned my use of the term "dating". I said at first it was just a label and wasn't what I meant. She said it wasn't just a label and it was very hurtful. I apologized immediately and said I was wrong to say "dating" and it just came to mind.
At first she was just sad that I could consider ever breaking up in any condition. As time went on she got really upset about it. She went on about making a list of what else I'd leave her for, said things like "kicking her to the curb", etc. She left and I didn't hear from her until a small e-mail on Sunday, two days later. I answered it as quickly as I could and didn't hear from her again until Tuesday when she ended it via e-mail.
I called her after I saw the e-mail but she was just clinging to the negativity and was being a bit of an emotional bully. She wouldn't show any softness at all and wouldn't give me even the smallest point. She'd bring up my use of the word "dating" again. I'd again apologize and say it was wrong but that it wasn't what I meant. I said think of my words and actions throughout our relationship and you'll know obviously I don't think we're just dating. I said I made a mistake. She claimed I don't make mistakes like that (meaning with words) and that it said a lot. I said, "That's not fair and I'm not going to let you have that point..." at which point she cut me off and said, "Fine, win it!" really coldly. There was NO feeling of a partner working together to find a way.
No one that I've ever been with has been this ugly during stressed times.
She had huge issues with men when we started. The other women in the book club had warned me off her saying she is a man-hater. I cured her of many of these. She was afraid to show herself to a man and afraid all men were going to blow up at her during moments of anger or tension. I got her to trust me enough to show me herself completely and I never once dealt with her in anger even when she did some things that hurt me. We had amazing communication and closeness.
The reality is that I would have worked really hard to make sure there weren't any issues for Riven. I would have done everything I could to never have to break up with her. And I told her this. But more important than being with her, for me, is seeing myself as a good person who does what he thinks is right. Ensuring a good life for Riven is part of that.
I can't get past the logic of her being so angry with me for believing there could be some small chance of me breaking up with her while she's making it 100% in breaking up with me. Yes, she risks her heart. But I risk mine too. I always had to accept a non-zero chance of her breaking up with me whether she claimed it was zero, whether we talked about some specific circumstance, etc. We both faced "your partner might break up with you." I think I probably faced it more because she has a son and so I'm #2 in her life while she's #1 in mine. On that point it gets even more in favor of my claim. She HAD broken up with me before. It was in June. I didn't do anything wrong and there was no good reason for it. It happened on a Friday night around 6 and she came back to me Saturday morning and realized it had been a huge mistake.
She is a runner/quitter, though. She mentioned that in book club once when we were talking about relationships and fights and all. She said, "I'm all about the running."
During our phone conversation after she ended it via e-mail, I mentioned that it seemed like she wasn't willing to trade off Quanah's desires with mine and consider how much actions affected both of us and in what ways. She said, "I wouldn't even deny him a lollipop" and stopped. It was almost like she was gritting her teeth she said it so harshly. Which I take means Quanah would always get whatever he wanted no matter at what cost that came to me. It's things like this that I will keep in mind to help me get over her. It helps me envision an unhappy future where I would always be sacrificed.
Before we became a couple I once talked to her about her meeting people through a single-parent group. She said it sounds horrible but she doesn't want to date someone with a child and have to make room in her life.
Today is a week since the breakup. I sent her an e-mail last night asking if she'd be willing to talk on the phone but her response was short, very cold, and made it clear we'll never be together again. At no point did we ever sit face to face and try to work through this like two people in love hoping to get past any hurt.
