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Post by wizer on Nov 4, 2008 12:14:17 GMT -5
If you're going to be that attached to your dog, you're going to need a relationship where the woman doesn't feel the need to compete with the dog. And I agree with Jim B, not only because he agreed with me. I have a GF, we've been together for over a year, and one problem we have had was that the dog sleeps in my bed with me, but when she stays over, she wants the dog out of the bed. In fact she has requested that the dog NEVER sleep in the bed, even when she isn't there. The dog is used to sleeping with me, like Jim B said about his dog, my dog got me through some tough times..she's always there, always loyal, always affectionate...when it comes down to it, my dog is first. My GF can either take it or leave it. When she's over the dog sleeps at the foot of the bed. End of story. |
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Post by jules on Nov 4, 2008 12:51:24 GMT -5
Just 2 thoughts:
1.) I wonder if many of the responses would be the same if the poster were female and the SO in question (or ex-SO?) were male. Excuse me for being insensitive, but so she was f*cked over in the past -- many of us have been there, done that. It's just kind of interesting how irrational women are deserving of sympathy, while irrational men are considered selfish and immature.
2.) It didn't seem to me that YJ's love for his dog was over-the-top. Who else is going to advocate for his pet if he doesn't? I do agree it's important that both partners be on the same page as far as that is concerned. Which is why I just don't even bother with men who don't love dogs as much as I do.
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Post by freckles on Nov 4, 2008 13:12:29 GMT -5
pets are useful
In the Cave Man days they would sound the Alarm when Wolves/Bears/Other Cave People would attack
They also keep Mousers and Other Animals/Pests out of your camp
And if You are starving to Death, You can Cook them and eat them
What do you think Chiwawa means ?
(Edible Dog)
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Post by yellowjacket on Nov 4, 2008 13:28:46 GMT -5
the issue is you've made it pretty clear to this girl that the dog is more important than she is. I don't see how that's the case. My dog has had a history of not doing well around other dogs in the home. I made this clear to her. She understood and wasn't going to get a dog. I did not ask for this but I was appreciative of it. She changed her mind later and was going to get a dog. I was hurt inside by this because it felt like we didn't matter in her decision making but I supported her completely outwardly. I showed her my book on dog breeds, talked about what she might get, and shared in her enthusiasm. Two days later, to make sure she was making her decision with all of the information, I explained again that if the dog constantly bit Riven when we came over and we couldn't make it stop, we wouldn't be able to be together anymore (though I mistakenly used the term "date"). I said I support whatever decision she makes because her happiness and her son's matter. I was prepared to have Riven feel jealous of attention and be less happy but if it were biting and it can't be stopped it's another thing altogether. I specifically said "if he is miserable" that I owe it to him to fix that for him. The dog was not more important that she was but me being with someone while my dog is miserable and getting bitten isn't a situation I'll accept. You do everything you can to fix it but what if you can't? If the situation had been reversed, I would have offered that I'd take back my new dog and rescue another one instead. She did not offer that and I didn't want to ask for it. There should have been other possible actions that we discussed and worked through together but that didn't happen. She got angry, she left, and didn't come back. The issue was that I saw ANY scenario in which we might have to break up. This is what was too much for her. It didn't matter if it were a small chance it was that I accepted that it could happen. She said she only wanted to be with a partner that saw absolutely no chance of ever breaking up. This seemed a bit odd to me since she had broken up with me before and since she's had other relationships that are now over. To me, everyone knows there are certain situations where your partner will end the relationship. You work together to make sure they don't arise. Part of working together is talking about them. She said her heart was not safe with me. Are there pet owners out there that would continue in the relationship even if their pet was miserable and getting bit? |
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c
Junior Member
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Post by c on Nov 4, 2008 13:48:52 GMT -5
Pets are kewl. But seriously. If I have the chance to have a woman in my bed or the dog. I'd choose the woman. The dog can stay when she's not around. But when the woman's around the pouch has to hit the bricks. Dogs are affectionate and will be there when the womans not no matter how many times you diss him.
Play smart. Pussy first.
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Post by wizer on Nov 4, 2008 13:52:38 GMT -5
Sorry YJ but you are contradicting yourself, because you are in "classic denial". Look at what you wrote here: The dog was not more important that she was And then here: if the dog constantly bit Riven when we came over and we couldn't make it stop, we wouldn't be able to be together anymore It's either the dog, or her. And that's ok..if I had to decide tomorrow between GF and dog, the dog stays. Your mileage may vary. But be honest with yourself. |
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Post by sheyd on Nov 4, 2008 13:52:44 GMT -5
I'm sorry, yes, I WOULD continue the relationship. There are ways around a biting animal - and to assume a future pet even MIGHT bite is a pretty big assumption. Most animals are not mean, particularly when acquired young and treated well. There are also other options even when they ARE mean. Humans in a special relationship come first, you help the animal understand and deal.
What you basically told her is that if there is a problem for Riven, she loses. You are trying to protect his interests, but made it clear she would get thrown over for him. You weren't living together, you weren't talking about her doing anything wrong - you were talking about a non-existent problem, and explaining she would lose. It IS unrealistic to assume you could never break up - but you did essentially threaten a break up over what may or may not happen.
Now - as you said, there are deal-breakers for everyone - but you really might want to examine this one. Are you perhaps being too protective of him? Were you maybe a bit mad because she was getting the dog and this is the way you were showing he was more important to kind of hurt her back?
Even if everyone said you were totally off base, though - it wouldn't matter - she should have been willing to work with you on it. She should have wanted to get to the heart of why you felt that way and deal with it with you, and the fact that she didn't means you can't trust her long term. You might have TALKED about a fictional possible break up, but she did it - although many people do "strike first before I get struck".
Super in-love usually means somewhat of a glass bubble. Everyone is lovely-dovey and expects it back. It is what happens at crisis after crisis that tells you how well you work together. This doesn't bode well for her ability to handle the tough stuff with you - maybe she only wants it if is super lovey and easy?
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Post by jules on Nov 4, 2008 13:53:27 GMT -5
What do you think Chiwawa means ? (Edible Dog) Um. No.  (Actually I've no idea what a "Chiwawa" is, but Chihuahua is a Mexican state.) And any pet owner who allows his or her pet to be bitten and miserable has no business being a pet owner in the first place. |
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Post by wizer on Nov 4, 2008 13:53:35 GMT -5
What you basically told her is that if there is a problem for Riven, she loses. You are trying to protect his interests, but made it clear she would get thrown over for him. Sheyd and myself posted at the same time and said basically the same thing. The dog wins, she loses. |
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Post by rocko on Nov 4, 2008 13:56:45 GMT -5
I have had two dogs in my home that could not agree to disagree and I just had them take turns on who was outside and who was in. I tried to make it as even as possible.
I worked it out. It wasn't a choice on my SO's part to have the extra pet for that period of time so it had not bearing on the relationship.
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Post by jules on Nov 4, 2008 13:57:19 GMT -5
What you basically told her is that if there is a problem for Riven, she loses. You are trying to protect his interests, but made it clear she would get thrown over for him. Sheyd and myself posted at the same time and said basically the same thing. The dog wins, she loses. If it wasn't the dog, it would have been something else, I suspect. |
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c
Junior Member
Posts: 52
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Post by c on Nov 4, 2008 13:58:19 GMT -5
That makes since. alternate.
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Post by freckles on Nov 4, 2008 14:01:39 GMT -5
For Myself, I think its very odd for People to bring pets with them when they go places
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Post by sheyd on Nov 4, 2008 14:02:42 GMT -5
And any pet owner who allows his or her pet to be bitten and miserable has no business being a pet owner in the first place. But anyone who deals with the issue by throwing over their human partner has no business being in a relationship, though. It isn't good to have a pet miserable - but you and your partner work out what is best for everyone, not a blanket statement that you would get rid of the human and their misbehaving pet forever. Plus - pets do spat a bit sometimes as part of the normal territorial way of being. You have to give the pets a real chance to get to know each other and adjust to a new situation before you can assume they would be "bitten and miserable". Dogs are NOT humans. They don't react the same, and their actions don't always have the same meanings attributable. You also have to give your human partner the benefit of the doubt and work WITH them to correct problems, not state if there is a problem the pet wins. Frankly- pets aren't around a large percentage of our life. If you have an elderly pet, I see no problem with not changing their surroundings until they pass as a solution, too - but then again, my old cat has new life now that he has adjusted to the kittens and he plays like a kitten with the ones he was hissing at a few months ago. Give Riven a chance - and give a chance to the other animals out there too. Sometimes it just takes TIME. |
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Post by sheyd on Nov 4, 2008 14:08:46 GMT -5
If it wasn't the dog, it would have been something else, I suspect. Not on YJ's part - that dog really is a special little sweetheart, I doubt there is anything else that would result in his dismissal of his gf... but on her part, yes - whatever the problem was, as soon as the possibility would come up that she might have to deal with the tough stuff - yep. Any excuse to be the first one to run rather than be left... |
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(Actually I've no idea what a "Chiwawa" is, but Chihuahua is a Mexican state.)