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Post by shattered on Oct 30, 2008 10:48:11 GMT -5
OK, these are my thoughts about this talk that French guy and I are supposed to be having on Saturday.
I am thinking I do not want to go, and that I should not go, for the following reasons:
1) Regardless of how badly he thinks I acted, if -- as he claims, he still loves me and just needs time -- then I think I deserved for him to tell me face to face how unhappy he is and that he will be taking his things and staying at his cousins'.
Instead, he took all his stuff during the day without saying a peep to me, then called me and informed by phone of completed facts. I feel I deserved more respect and concern.
2) He just wanted to leave things open-ended. He said we'd talk, but didn't want to set a date or time. He just kept saying "Don't worry, I'll call you." I didn't feel it was fair to me to have to wait around like that, and I said I need a date for the talk. Only then did he agree to Saturday and suggested 3pm.
3) I just assumed we'd talk at my place because that's where we can talk in private. He said, no, we'll meet at a coffee shop. While I understand the "neutral ground" argument to a point, I feel it's ridiculous for him to say that talking in my apartment would be "unfair to him."
I told him how I just don't see how I could talk about something so important and personal surrounded by people, but he insisted.
He finally agreed to the park when I suggested the park.
He also said that my repeated requests to please talk in my apartment where a sign of me wanting everything only my way, and that he feels I am trying to force him to talk at my apartment.
I have decided that is total bullshit because every other aspect of this is entirely on his terms:
-- he took all his stuff without telling me
-- eventhough he is leaving the country on Monday, he will not see me again except for this one talk
-- he wants several days for space, not me, but I agree to give it to him
So don't I get to request one single aspect in this whole scenario? After everything else is the way he wants it, he can't compromise on one single thing and talk to me at my place?
Oh, and intially, he hadn't even wanted to talk in person, he just wanted another phone conversation!!! It's only because I said if we talk, we need to do so in person.
So, it seems clear to me, that he is not truly interested in reconcilation, and certainly utterly unconcerned with my feelings about any of this.
What would I get from this talk, other than more pain?? I don't want to see him just to say goodbye. That will just cause me more misery. I feel his actions have made clear that he is not committed to trying to make this relationship work any longer.
It is over.
I will send him an e-mail saying why I won't be meeting him.
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Post by amola on Oct 30, 2008 11:00:26 GMT -5
hmmmmmmmmmmm.........i have mixed emotions on this. i totally understand your reasons for not wanting to go. but, if you don't go, are you going to wish you did later? and, if it were me, i'd go. i'd make him go through the hassle of getting there and then walk up to him and tell him to go to hell and then walk away. but i can be quite the evil bitch when i want to be.  |
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Post by AngelBaby on Oct 30, 2008 11:18:17 GMT -5
I have to say that I agree with amola. I would be worried that you would regret not going, and in the end that would bother you more. But I also totally understand your reasoning for not wanting to go. You are ultimately the only one that can decide whether going would work for you or not......and we will all support you 100% no matter what you decide to do.  |
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Oct 30, 2008 11:20:13 GMT -5
Those girls before me are two who know me best, and I have to say that I agree with them too. I do understand how you feel about it all. Just be sure that it doesn't leave you any loose ends that you will hang on to for a long while. Don't fear hun, remember when the wave crashes down, you will still be there, and so will we. ((HUG)) |
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Post by shattered on Oct 30, 2008 11:25:55 GMT -5
Thank you, amola and AngelBaby.
It's that I'm not open to a talk anymore -- but not under these conditions.
If he really wants to talk to me, he can come to my apartment. I don't think that is asking too much. I will tell him that in the e-mail, and leave the ball in his court.
I already feel demeaned just thinking about skulking to a coffee shop or park bench. It's not acceptable to me.
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Post by hoodieprincess on Oct 30, 2008 11:36:18 GMT -5
Hey hun, We talked about this last night. I want to start by saying that this post shows some stregnth and maybe even a little bit of that useful anger we talked about last night.  I know we talked about the pros and cons of going or not going. I am afraid that if you don't talk to him or at least see him face to face to see him in a different light, the last memory you have of seeing him will be that kiss goodbye memory. Frankly for closure purposes, I'd like to see someone to get that other side. {That's why I tried to talk to J and he insisted on doing it all over text and backed out of meeting up at the last minute...But, that's why I felt like I "needed" to see him} Maybe it will do you good to see him and feel angry with him. Yes, you'll feel sadness to, I know. And, the meeting shouldn't necessarily be about changing things. And, I agree that I think so much has been on his terms. Yet, he's feeling pressured and that you're forcing this to be on your terms. His immaturity and being selfish is blinding him to how much has been on his terms. Leaving him a "this way or the highway" choice isn't going to make him feel that any less. I know, I know, who cares? I just don't want you to make a choice to not see him and then regret not getting certain things said or regret holding on to your last memories of seeing him as the last ones you have now. Only you can decide what is right for you. You'll have support from this board no matter what decision you make. I just know that I've learned how to reign in the evil person in myself when needed and tend to be a b!tch when I see it so fit. lol |
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Post by shattered on Oct 30, 2008 11:44:26 GMT -5
Those girls before me are two who know me best, and I have to say that I agree with them too. I do understand how you feel about it all. Just be sure that it doesn't leave you any loose ends that you will hang on to for a long while. Don't fear hun, remember when the wave crashes down, you will still be there, and so will we. ((HUG)) Thank you so much. |
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Post by JimB on Oct 30, 2008 11:56:07 GMT -5
Don't really agree with you setting the terms for this conversation. A neutral site is better than your "turf", even if it's a little too public. Again, you're trying to assert control on the situation, and in some contexts that's appropriate, but not this one IMO.
I don't think it matters though, as I suspect he'll blow you off either way.
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Post by shattered on Oct 30, 2008 12:00:47 GMT -5
I don't think it matters though, as I suspect he'll blow you off either way. That's another reason why I don't think I should go. I do not feel there is any chance of me getting andy closure or insight from this -- only of feeling yet more rejected and disrespected. |
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Post by shattered on Oct 30, 2008 12:12:27 GMT -5
Hey hun, We talked about this last night. I want to start by saying that this post shows some stregnth and maybe even a little bit of that useful anger we talked about last night. I know we talked about the pros and cons of going or not going. I am afraid that if you don't talk to him or at least see him face to face to see him in a different light, the last memory you have of seeing him will be that kiss goodbye memory. Frankly for closure purposes, I'd like to see someone to get that other side. {That's why I tried to talk to J and he insisted on doing it all over text and backed out of meeting up at the last minute...But, that's why I felt like I "needed" to see him} Maybe it will do you good to see him and feel angry with him. Yes, you'll feel sadness to, I know. And, the meeting shouldn't necessarily be about changing things. And, I agree that I think so much has been on his terms. Yet, he's feeling pressured and that you're forcing this to be on your terms. His immaturity and being selfish is blinding him to how much has been on his terms. Leaving him a "this way or the highway" choice isn't going to make him feel that any less. I know, I know, who cares? I just don't want you to make a choice to not see him and then regret not getting certain things said or regret holding on to your last memories of seeing him as the last ones you have now. Only you can decide what is right for you. You'll have support from this board no matter what decision you make. I just know that I've learned how to reign in the evil person in myself when needed and tend to be a b!tch when I see it so fit. lol Thank you -- I do feel I am finally showing some strength and healthy anger. Or, better expressed: A sense of necessary self-protection. As for how I will remember him -- amazingly enough, right now I am relatively sucessful at remembering his yelling, his coldness, his idiotic accusations -- and how when he has a cold (which he's had for days, now), and he's coughing and his nose is running -- he doesn't blow his nose!!! AND -- he still tried to kiss me that way!!! EWWWW!!!! And now I'll post what I just wrote to you in a PM: I have made so many decisions based on emotion (all throughout my relationship with my ex) -- the worst part of which was the *kind* of emotion: fear. Fear of losing him. Thus, I acted from a state of weakness almost the entire time. Another emotion -- my gut -- told me so often things weren't right. That I wasn't taking care of myself. And now, I KNOW in my gut that there is nothing helpful, useful, or beneficial in any way for me if I go to this talk under these conditions. I KNOW in my gut this will bring not closure, just more questions. And more pain. I know this is the healthiest decision I can make at this point. (So impressed with these words, I had to share with the rest of the board.) ; ) |
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Post by JimB on Oct 30, 2008 12:16:35 GMT -5
...only of feeling yet more rejected and disrespected. There are tons of reasons not to go, if you look for them. Do what you feel you need to do, and don't waste energy feeling disrespected if other people don't cooperate. As Mel keeps saying, you can't control other people's actions - only your own. If they don't cooperate with you on things you feel are important, it's a reflection on them, not you. |
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Post by shattered on Oct 30, 2008 12:20:53 GMT -5
...only of feeling yet more rejected and disrespected. There are tons of reasons not to go, if you look for them. Do what you feel you need to do, and don't waste energy feeling disrespected if other people don't cooperate. As Mel keeps saying, you can't control other people's actions - only your own. If they don't cooperate with you on things you feel are important, it's a reflection on them, not you. You're right. |
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Post by redskyatnight on Oct 30, 2008 12:23:29 GMT -5
Even before your last post, I was thinking you shouldn't go. If you know it is over, you need to start healing. Seeing him so soon after all this went down, will set you back. Unfortunately, you don't have the luxury of time. Perhaps in a couple of weeks, when all the emotions have settled down, you would be able to talk rationally about it, but right now........emotions are still raw on both sides............
If you find you need closure in the future, there is always the phone or email.
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Post by freckles on Oct 30, 2008 13:41:14 GMT -5
OK, these are my thoughts about this talk that French guy and I are supposed to be having on Saturday. I am thinking I do not want to go, and that I should not go, for the following reasons: 1) Regardless of how badly he thinks I acted, if -- as he claims, he still loves me and just needs time -- then I think I deserved for him to tell me face to face how unhappy he is and that he will be taking his things and staying at his cousins'. Instead, he took all his stuff during the day without saying a peep to me, then called me and informed by phone of completed facts. I feel I deserved more respect and concern. 2) He just wanted to leave things open-ended. He said we'd talk, but didn't want to set a date or time. He just kept saying "Don't worry, I'll call you." I didn't feel it was fair to me to have to wait around like that, and I said I need a date for the talk. Only then did he agree to Saturday and suggested 3pm. 3) I just assumed we'd talk at my place because that's where we can talk in private. He said, no, we'll meet at a coffee shop. While I understand the "neutral ground" argument to a point, I feel it's ridiculous for him to say that talking in my apartment would be "unfair to him." I told him how I just don't see how I could talk about something so important and personal surrounded by people, but he insisted. He finally agreed to the park when I suggested the park. He also said that my repeated requests to please talk in my apartment where a sign of me wanting everything only my way, and that he feels I am trying to force him to talk at my apartment. I have decided that is total bullshit because every other aspect of this is entirely on his terms: -- he took all his stuff without telling me -- eventhough he is leaving the country on Monday, he will not see me again except for this one talk -- he wants several days for space, not me, but I agree to give it to him So don't I get to request one single aspect in this whole scenario? After everything else is the way he wants it, he can't compromise on one single thing and talk to me at my place? Oh, and intially, he hadn't even wanted to talk in person, he just wanted another phone conversation!!! It's only because I said if we talk, we need to do so in person. So, it seems clear to me, that he is not truly interested in reconcilation, and certainly utterly unconcerned with my feelings about any of this. What would I get from this talk, other than more pain?? I don't want to see him just to say goodbye. That will just cause me more misery. I feel his actions have made clear that he is not committed to trying to make this relationship work any longer. It is over. I will send him an e-mail saying why I won't be meeting him. Every Relationship has Problems If Yall can make up or not Is the thing |
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Post by shattered on Oct 30, 2008 14:20:41 GMT -5
He's been calling me all day.
At least five or six times. I recognize the number as one of his cousins' or friends' numbers.
I never pick up, and he never leaves a message.
The reason I don't pick up: I believe that the only reason he is calling is to tell me that there's isn't going to be a talk.
I can't pick up and let him tell me that.
I have to -- for *myself* -- be able to send that e-mail to him explaining how I feel and why *I* won't be at the talk.
This is not about trying to one-up him, or pay him back, or anything like that. I need this for myself. I finally made a difficult decision that I thought was good and healthy for me, and I need to be able to carry it out. I just need that.
He just called again, and one of my wonderful co-workers (those two fabulous guys) picked up (we agreed on that) and it was indeed the French guy. He didn't want to leave a message, said he would call back later.
I have to keep avoiding the calls until I can compose (tonight or tomorrow) a message that I am happy with, and send it to him.
I am so incredibly miserable.
I miss him so much.
I can't believe he'll never kiss me again, sing to me, tell me how I'm the most wonderful woman in the world....
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