super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Post by super on Jan 9, 2008 15:02:17 GMT -5
I think I've reached the stage now where I'm just autopsying the relationship.
I know that we had grown apart and become different people, and that was the real reason we broke up. I am trying to understand why the love we still had for each other wasn't enough to try and grow back together.
Two years ago I left him and he wanted to fix it and I wanted to try so we got back together. Then he spent the last two years just being a baby. Pushing me away, withholding his affection, hoping I would show more affection but never telling me what he wanted.
I am trying to make sense of the fact that he didn't want to try and fix things. I also feel like he wanted out for reasons I had been worrying about and talking to him about for the last eight years.
I have a logical brain and I need to somehow make sense of the fact that he stopped seeing his future with me even though he didn't stop loving me.
I'm definitely still upset that he is with someone else, but it's not the only thing I'm thinking about. It's just that this place is my outlet. I don't want to share my feelings about it with the people in real life.
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Post by goods on Jan 9, 2008 15:20:10 GMT -5
I in no way want to stop you from opening up here super... I just hate to see you beat yourself up over things that are completely out of your control.
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Post by loshyra on Jan 9, 2008 15:42:06 GMT -5
Super,
You should have a place to open up. If you don't you will go completely insane bottling it all in. If you can't talk to someone in person, this is the next best thing.
You will never be able to figure out why someone else doesn't want to do something, you shouldn't beat yourself up over that. You just need to realize that you are a good person and that someone else is going to love you more sometime. You need to learn from your previous relationships and grow from them...
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super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Post by super on Jan 9, 2008 16:29:29 GMT -5
I keep wondering if he ever loved me or if he was just infatuated with me (that's a long obsession though). I don't know if he's in love again, but I feel like if he could just move along like that, he doesn't really know what love is. Obviously he's extremely needy and weak, so it's better for me that he's gone.
I see little things now that make me realize how selfish his love or whatever actually was.
I am really curious though if love develops gradually from a friendship, or after infatuation peters out. I guess it can happen in all different ways.
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Post by sheyd on Jan 9, 2008 16:59:30 GMT -5
I agree it can happen in all different ways - and change over time... And I think the real love is always there, underneath - even when people act horribly. I think you can't know someone and not love them in some way. The more you know them, the more love there is - but the type of love and the way it is (or should be) expressed may be different.
I think if you spent those two years trying, he probably did too, in his own way. He just wasn't very successful - didn't try the right way or hard enough or expected you to pull extra weight to make his side worth it... Love isn't always enough, there also has to be communication, compatibility, forgiveness... so many things. That is why even if you love someone you can't necessarily express it through "staying together". I still love my ex-husband dearly. If he were dying and had no one closer to care for him, I would. However, I don't want to be in a relationship with him like husband/wife again. There is too much bad history to make that type of relationship possible. (Or maybe not enough of the right kind of love?)
All love is selfish, in a way. I know it SOUNDS good to say it isn't, but it is. It meets a need in us. (and there is nothing wrong with admitting love is a need, btw.) We endure the pain part of loving someone (and there always is pain of some type) for the overall goodness - both the good parts of loving and the good feeling of knowing we love and are loved. This is part of why there are so many types of loves, ways it grows, and ways it becomes part of our life. Sometimes, the way love is "working" makes certain kinds of love expressions (like being together) too hard. Like we are all saying - you can't ever know how it TRULY is inside him - so you are spending time over something that can never truly be "solved" - use your very logical mind to truly understand that part and you will have more peace. It isn't black and white - there are no solid answers, not even about your own feelings. Autopsying won't provide any more evidence, and the decay of time makes future discoveries even more questionable. Time to just move forward...
Shey
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99 
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Post by midge on Jan 9, 2008 19:23:24 GMT -5
super, i felt many of the things you are feeling when my ex-husband and i broke up. i doubted everything- every kind gesture, every kind word or endearment. i doubted the sincerity of every gift. i wondered if he ever cared for me or if he used me for his own reasons. it is maddening to try to analyze the past and make sense of the present when they seem so contradictory.
sometimes we grow apart and don't know how to get back to each other, if it is even possible. i agree with the others who have said that his actions are not a reflection on you. my exh did awful things (don't they all?) that really made me feel worthless and of no value. i could not understand. however, a year and a half later, he had his own break-down and came to me: he was dealing with the break-up of our marriage as i was well on my way to healing. he had used a new relationship and the rejection of everything in our life to momentarily deal with his pain in his own way. at the time, it made perfect sense to him. while breaking up he told me that he did not love me and never had. i didn't believe that for a second. during his descent back to planet earth, he told me that he only said it to make it easier for him to leave/cheat/divorce (and who hasn't heard that a million times from those who consoled us?).
i am assuming your ex is a relatively normal human being, thus he will one day come to the realization that he didn't deal with your break up appropriately. he will probably lament what he lost. you may not have the benefit of knowing about it first had as i did, but it will likely happen sometime during his lifetime. and, it will probably be painful to hear about and not a consolation to you.
goods is on the right track, as he speaks from someone on the other side of it. when we are healed, it is easy to say that we shouldn't dwell on certain things. i think this is something you need to do- you will eventually get sick of yourself and analyzing the situation.
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Atl
Full Member
Posts: 200
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Post by Atl on Jan 10, 2008 15:01:01 GMT -5
When I find it (love) I will let you know.  |
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Post by J (Hot Mess) on Jan 10, 2008 21:24:45 GMT -5
i am assuming your ex is a relatively normal human being, thus he will one day come to the realization that he didn't deal with your break up appropriately. he will probably lament what he lost. you may not have the benefit of knowing about it first had as i did, but it will likely happen sometime during his lifetime. and, it will probably be painful to hear about and not a consolation to you.
This is true. Sometimes I think were better off not knowing when they reach this realization.
Super, keep posting. Im sorry. Wish I had more to say to help.
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Post by blazinheart on Jan 10, 2008 22:27:54 GMT -5
Love, just like any other emotion, is highly subjective - everyone's experience of it is going to be a bit different. So love is an emotion? Don't you think that's a bit simplistic? If love were nothing more than an emotion, it would have a much smaller effect on mankind. Personally, I don't see how you can just stick a simple label on love like "emotion" and think you've done it justice. You suggested to super that his ex couldn't have felt nor was motivated by love for the person she started the new relationship with. Well why not? According to your definition love is nothing more than an emotion, something subjective. So why couldn't super's ex have felt love for the new person, and why couldn't she have been motivated by that love? Bottomline is, there is a quality to love that simply cannot be defined. I can handle the lengthy explanations from people trying to define love, but yours jimb, just seems piddly, like you put no effort into it. An emotion? That's no definition at all. |
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Post by lumpy on Jan 10, 2008 23:44:24 GMT -5
Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to blead
Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed
But enough of that tripe.
You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure
LOVE STINKS!
As JimB said, it depends not only who you ask but when you ask them. I like to define it as a drug. It'll make you higher than you've ever been and drop you on your ass like a Tyson uppercut on the way down. It should have a warning label.
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Post by RO on Jan 10, 2008 23:45:58 GMT -5
Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed Some say love it is a razer that leaves your soul to blead Some say love it is a hunger an endless aching need I say love it is a flower and you it's only seed But enough of that tripe. You love her But she loves him And he loves somebody else You just can't win And so it goes Till the day you die This thing they call love It's gonna make you cry I've had the blues The reds and the pinks One thing for sure LOVE STINKS! As JimB said, it depends not only who you ask but when you ask them. I like to define it as a drug. It'll make you higher than you've ever been and drop you on your ass like a Tyson uppercut on the way down. It should have a warning label. ROFLMAO.....YOU got me! LOL ;D |
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Post by JimB on Jan 11, 2008 13:34:43 GMT -5
So love is an emotion? Don't you think that's a bit simplistic? If love were nothing more than an emotion, it would have a much smaller effect on mankind. Yep, it's an emotion, and no, I don't think that's simplistic. Emotions are complicated, largely because they are different for anyone. And if pressed, I can name half a dozen emotions that have had at least as much impact on mankind as love. Simple, complex - it's still just a label. As with most emotions, mere language is rarely enough to do it justice. Greater wordsmiths than I have struggled with this. Point conceded. Based on my own experience of love, I'm making an educated guess here that super's ex may THINK it's love, but that's unlikely to be the case. Besides, what super's ex thinks and feels is a little bit beside the point - that's an unknown, unknowable quantity. It's her actions that matter. My take on love has evolved from years and years of increasingly complex definitions, culminating in the ultimate realization that love defies concrete definition - it's too dependent on the moment it occurs in and the natures of the parties involved. I completely agree that it can't be defined, and I would go even further: I generally think trying to define it is non-productive, even destructive. It's like happiness, or suffering: the more you try to put your finger on it, the more it evades you. And if you get too hung up on defining it rationally, IMO, you risk losing some of your ability to feel it. Therefore, my simple - simplistic? - definition is as good (or as useless) as anyone else's. Your mileage may very. |
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Post by lumpy on Jan 11, 2008 13:59:35 GMT -5
Love Trilogy-Red Hot Chili Peppers
My love comes and when it does
It's a crazy kind of... selective... affection
My love flows like a wise guy's tie
In the zaniest of... directions
My love protection. My love erection
You better get some... of my affection
My love can be a bigger than the Hoover Dam
My love can hide behind a grain of sand
My love for life is fuelled by the love for my band
I love his mother and the silly mixed up man
Some people think he's bad
They say he doesn't laugh
And ask my dad
My love is death to apartheid rule
My love is the deepest depth, the ocean blues
My love is the Zulu groove
My love is the coop-a-loop move
My love is lightning's blues
My love is the pussy juice
My love can't be refused
My love is gettin' skin on my flute
My love, my love
My love began from love
My love for an unknown grubby bum
My love for the baby suckin' on his thunb
My love for a fresh set of buns
My love for the feel of the drums
My love for a bunch of knuckleheads
My love for the sweet smell of bread
My love for the legs that I spread
My love for the fat natty dread
My love, my love
My love, is my toes in the sand
My love, is my dick in my hand
My love, is my toes in the sand
My love, is my dick in my hand
Yeah... oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhhhhhhhh
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Post by blazinheart on Jan 11, 2008 14:56:14 GMT -5
And if pressed, I can name half a dozen emotions that have had at least as much impact on mankind as love. I'm pressing, because I don't see it. Love is so much more than an emotion. Love is so much more substantial and voluminous than any emotion could ever be. So yeah, I'd be interested to hear which emotions can be compared to love in regards to their impact on mankind. Well, love isn't something you feel, it's something that lives in our hearts and souls. And we can either pay attention to it and heed it's call or we can defy it. To relegate love to a mere emotion is to degrade it and therefore degrade the person who needs to receive it. Love is a responsiblity coupled with action and belonging. If we loved as we felt, then we would not love as we should. There are many, many times in relationships when we are required to love even when we feel no positive emotions towards the other person. That's why love must be selfless and detached from our emotions. |
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Post by jules on Jan 11, 2008 15:09:20 GMT -5
If we loved as we felt, then we would not love as we should. This is perhaps the wisest and truest sentiment about love that I've ever read. |
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