super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Post by super on Jan 9, 2008 2:52:47 GMT -5
do you think it's just having some initial common interests and then growing attached? wanting the same things eg. family, commitment, etc.?
do i just find someone i like and then it grows into love or not after a few months?
i feel so confused. i also feel really influenced by the fact that my ex could start dating someone exclusively so quickly. maybe what we had really wasn't that special.
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Moon
New Member
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Post by Moon on Jan 9, 2008 7:29:35 GMT -5
before you find someone..do you think you are over your ex first..
I think love is a mess really..wish I knew.
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Post by goods on Jan 9, 2008 7:44:02 GMT -5
super the last thing you should be doing right now is to be looking for love
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ladyj
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by ladyj on Jan 9, 2008 8:26:52 GMT -5
For me , love is having a deep genuine concern for your partner's well being. When I love someone , be it a partner, my child or maybe a friend, my heart feels full and I am excited to do things for them. Their happiness is deeply connected with my own. It comes from an unselfish place. It is pure and giving to the one I love comes easily.
May sound corny but it is "my" truth.
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Post by jules on Jan 9, 2008 9:59:36 GMT -5
My cynical smart-ass answer that I'm feeling currently: Love is an illusion.
But my real answer that I still truly believe deep down? It sort of pains me to remember this, but it was one of the readings at our wedding. It's still the most accurate explanation of love (at least ideal love) that I know of.
Love is patient, love is kind,
It is not jealous, is not pompous,
It is not inflated, It is not rude,
It does not seek its own interests,
It is not quick-tempered, It does not brood over injury, It does not rejoice over wrongdoing
but rejoices with the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.
Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8
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Post by blazinheart on Jan 9, 2008 12:09:01 GMT -5
Simplified version of what I believe:
Love(verb) is giving yourself, giving what's in your heart to another person.
Love(noun) is the substance of what's in our hearts that we can choose to give to other people.
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Post by sheyd on Jan 9, 2008 12:45:39 GMT -5
I think there are lots of different kinds of love, and each serve their purpose, and it is always changing.
Example... for kids - it starts out all-consuming, and very similar to that bible verse. Then they get a bit older, and it becomes more critical - discipline is necessary then - and a big part of love. Then it gets to the pre-teen years - that love is... frustrating? It is sometimes like when they were small, sometimes like it will be when they are grown - sometimes hardly felt at all when they are so obnoxious! lol! Then they become adults, and we wonder at this very separate person who we hardly know as our children anymore, except that we KNOW we still love them and care.
Friend loves - there are the friends you rarely talk to, but think about sometimes, and really care about and would still give anything to or for - it is still love. There are friends you miss if you don't get to talk to them daily. There are friends you fight with on a constant basis, but they make you think. These are very different loves, different ways of dealing with people, but still love.
Romantic love... So many different ways to love here, too. Sometimes it is a heady rush, which often burns out quickly. It can be a "settled" love, no heat, but much affection (hopefully with occasional bouts of passion, but not always). It can be a roller-coaster ride of love/dislike. It can be an all-consuming passion where you don't feel worthy except when they tell you you are... There are so many combinations, so many varieties... Each of these types vary in intensity and healthiness. The only constant in them is change - they all change with time, with familiarity, with the natural changes each person goes through...
Having a different love, a new love, or even concurrent loves does not make any of them "not special". Each kind of love meets a need, or desire...
Him being able to be exclusive with someone else so quickly is really no reflection on your relationship with him at all. It simply shows a need/desire he has right now. He is a separate person from you, with different needs/feelings/desires... What you felt and feel IS special, so is what you shared. It was/is for him too, though he may never be able to acknowledge it to you. You are unique, as is/was your relationship. However, the relationship has changed, and so has where he is filling those needs. It is different now, the love is different, the outlets for it is different, but that doesn't make it (or you) less special.
(((((((HUGS)))))))
Shey
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Post by loshyra on Jan 9, 2008 12:55:36 GMT -5
Wow...Sheyd you said (typed) exactly what I was thinking. LOL!!! Although I am not sure I could say it any better...
I agree though that him getting into a relationship so quickly has no reflection on your relationship with him.
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Post by goods on Jan 9, 2008 13:12:35 GMT -5
Maybe I am derailing the thread here but... super has just seemed so desperate to find answers to what "he" has done or is doing, on IF she will have find someone like he did, IF she will ever be in love like he is. She really is focusing on all the wrong things right now. I think unfortunately she is putting herself through so much more pain that she should be going through.
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Post by sheyd on Jan 9, 2008 13:33:50 GMT -5
I think you are correct, goods, but that is also a part of the healing and growing process.
Change is difficult, seeing someone or something (like a relationship) change quickly and unexpectedly - especially if it is in ways you didn't want it to go - is very difficult. It requires some processing time to let it really sink in that things are DIFFERENT - and that we can't wish them into being the way we want it to be. Even if it is a positive change, it takes time to adjust to. The hardest part of change is that we can't live other people's lives for them. We can't understand always why they do or want the things they do - or what it means when they act the way they do. Figuring things out is doubly hard when it comes to other people - even figuring ourselves out is hard!
Super, the key to all of this is to accept that your history is YOURS. Don't let now change it, but also don't hold on to it. Focus on the NOW, and the future. NOW he is not with you - anything else beyond that about him is irrelevant. You can't know his mind, his needs, his desires, and he isn't going to (or maybe even able to) share them with you. Even if he did, you wouldn't be happy - because they won't show what you want to hear. You can't wish him into being the man you want him to be. Nor can you magically wish a replacement to heal those wounds. Everyone is human, anyone else you get with will also be imperfect. So... work on YOURSELF - loving yourself, exploring yourself, enjoying yourself. Not worrying about him... Goods is right - that approach really will bring you faster healing if you can do it.
Shey
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Post by jules on Jan 9, 2008 13:35:12 GMT -5
goods, I think her questions are perfectly valid. I've come to terms with the fact that the man I married and the man I spent a decade of my life with, building my life around, never really loved me. If he did, there is no way he could have done what he's done. And when you realize something like that, it does make you question your own judgement on everything.
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Post by JimB on Jan 9, 2008 13:35:37 GMT -5
i also feel really influenced by the fact that my ex could start dating someone exclusively so quickly. Um, yeah. That has nothing to do with love. Trust me on this. There are a lot of reasons why she might be with someone else, but love isn't one of them. Infatuation, validation of her decision, biological clock, not strong enough to be alone - those are possibilities, along with many others. |
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Post by goods on Jan 9, 2008 13:42:18 GMT -5
Shey always says the things the way I wish I could.
I am not saying they aren't valid.... but this has been going on for her for awhile now, she is so consumed by these questions she is not able to move forward. I guess knowing that I was a lot like this also frustrates me. I hate to see anyone making all the same mistakes I did... She is on a self-destructive path and needs to change directions.
IMO
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Post by sheyd on Jan 9, 2008 13:44:00 GMT -5
goods, I think her questions are perfectly valid. I've come to terms with the fact that the man I married and the man I spent a decade of my life with, building my life around, never really loved me. If he did, there is no way he could have done what he's done. And when you realize something like that, it does make you question your own judgement on everything. I don't think this is true. People can do horrendous horrible things to people they love - and people can change and change how they show love, too. The bottom line is that all people are selfish and self-centered - ALL people. Goodness comes from being able to ALSO see and care about the needs of others, but our own needs and desires are easier to see, and harder to resist. In fact, those that are completely selfless are often so because it feels good to them and satisfies the need to BE selfless. At any rate, your ex's selfishness and vile behavior has more to say about what he wanted more than about whether he ever loved you. He could love you tons, but still want what he wants more than he cares about your feelings. Plus, people change - maybe he loved more before but over time changed what was important to him - including caring less about your feelings. Don't question your own history - or your own judgement. He made the bad choices, you didn't make a bad choice by your own loving. Shey |
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Post by JimB on Jan 9, 2008 14:03:27 GMT -5
I would take it a step farther and say it's only the ones we love that have the ability to hurt us so terribly.
Love, just like any other emotion, is highly subjective - everyone's experience of it is going to be a bit different. But it doesn't require a license - everyone feels it, and has a certain way of expressing it. Even people under the influence of love are capable of making choices. That's why a big component of and long term committed relationship is trust - you're trusting the person you love to make the right choices and hurt you as little as possible.
My point is this: the bad things that have happened to you aren't about love. Love made them possible, but bad judgment - perhaps yours, perhaps someone else's - made them real. So love is part of the pain, but not part of the problem.
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