|
Post by ionysis on Jan 14, 2008 5:44:48 GMT -5
Thought I was moving on and being good with staying away from this place. Am working better and the fledgeling LDR I've got myself involved with was progressing pretty well. Had plans all set for this year - moving back to London, getting a new job with shorter hours and less stress, seeing how new relationship pans out, buying a flat with my best friend. But I've suddenly been totally and utterly blindsided.
I saw my ex last night. I wanted to 1. see if there was any chance or salvaging a basic friendship after all the anger and hatred I went through and 2. to get closure - I needed to hear him say sorry - I just felt that I wouldn't ever be happy unless he knew that I knew all about his lies and heard him say he was wrong and he was sorry. I suppose I was looking for closure in order to move on with a new life.
I got more than I bargained for. He wants us to reconcile.
He cried and said how sorry he was, that he had a nervous breakdown, that he has never been as close to anyone as he has to me, that he is so deeply unhappy and misses me every day. But also said that he wasn't sure if he was "right" in himself yet, that he couldn't be sure if getting back together was the right thing, that he felt that he wasn't made to be married and should be alone for ever. All so much jumbled up emotion and I just can't even begin to process it.
I'm sure some of you guys remember my story, I'm not going to go over it all again here. I loved this man more than I loved anything in my entire life, worshipped him to the point of obsession, forgave him again and again and always felt that I would never, ever love another man as long as I lived. It has taken me over a year to get to a point where I can function without hurting, to begin to trust people again. And now this.
I just don't know what to think - my mind is completely blank. He wants to meet up tonight and have a frank and honest talk about whether anything can ever be salvaged out of the dreadful revolting mess he made of our relationship.
I still love him. I will always love him but I just don't think I want him in my life anymore. I don't believe he would make a good husband or father and I don't think he loves me the same way I love him. I think he is alone and depressed and his life is an utter shambles and that I am the only person who has ever loved him this way.
What do I do with this - I'm numb.
|
|
ladyj
New Member
Posts: 7
|
Post by ladyj on Jan 14, 2008 6:12:25 GMT -5
Hi, I recognize your pain unfortunately. A year ago, almost to the day I was in the same position as you, though.....my ex never owned up to his errors.
Ask yourself this. If you were to step outside of yourself , remove all emotion and look at this situation in a logical manner, what would your decision be?
For me, that quickly revealed my answer and I robotically took the steps needed to put it in place. THEN, and only then, once I removed him from my reality (back to nocontact) was I able to deal with the emotions and move on.
That is how I handled it...........
Not sure what else to tell you. These exes of ours, or many anyways, seem to always return to the scene of the crime when the grass goes from green to sundried brown.
hugs
|
|
|
Post by horselover (Mrs. Spike) on Jan 14, 2008 6:48:30 GMT -5
This is a really tough one, and hopefully you won't mind if I interject here, from the other side of the fence,as I am the one who made the mess in my relationship. Toward the end of your post, you seem to have answered your own question, when you said you don't think you want him in your life, but the fact that you are asking for help here, says that you are confused and unsure. The most important thing I can tell you, is that,until "he is right within himself", you have to continue on the road you are on, without him. No one can make it right for him, but him, and until he has done this, you will be hurt again and again. Most people find it very hard to give into the fact that therapy may be the only way to go, trust me I know, but until he is willing to get the help he needs, he cannot be the husband or father you need him to be. I was at the place he seems to be at, when I attended my first session, and a year and a half later, when I was right, within myself, I was lucky enough to find my husband still there. Had he not been, I would have had to accept that, but would still have been right within myself. Whether you are still there at the end of his journey within, remains to be seen. It will not be easy, and is a decision only you can make. Regardless of which road you take, as long as you are doing what you have to to take care of YOU, the sun will shine on you. Hope this made some sense.
|
|
|
Post by ionysis on Jan 14, 2008 8:09:31 GMT -5
I'm just so tired. Tired of everything. I'm tired of having to do everything in my life on my own. I'm tired of having so much pressure and responsibility at work. I'm tired of not knowing what the future holds or where I'll end up. I'm tired of having so much to organise, so many pressures and obligations and decisions to make. I just want to lay down and stop thinking, stop feeling this anxious sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, stop being disappointed in myself and failing to live up to my own and other people's expectations. I'm tired of having no one to depend on.
And I just can't do this anymore. I want someone to look after me and to love me. I want someone to trust and depend on and support me. I want someone to share things with.
But I don't think that is him. He has proven time and again that he ISN'T dependable, that he isn't organised or trustworthy or steady in his commitments. He isn't well balanced or consistent, or truthful, or able to love the way I love. He makes me feel bad about myself - the way I look, the way I am. I was a different person when I was with him, I lived for him and through him, not for myself - I forgot who I was. He made me feel fat and ugly and not good enough. From the wrong family background, the wrong weight, the wrong build, the wrong dress sense, the wrong person for him. He made me feel I could never be enough. I think he has realized that the grass isn't greener, that his life is utterly miserable without me in it and he can't find the fairytale replacement he was seeking so now he'll settle for me because I'm the best he can do and because I'm always there, always forgiving, always loving him.
I love him more than I could ever begin to express. When I see him every fibre of my being yearns for him in every way. But I don't want to be the fall back woman. The one who gets left again when the next pretty young trainee lawyer comes along. The one who sits and cries as he withdraws himself again and refuses to look at me or speak to me. The one who is decorating the family home while he pays prostitutes to come and strip for him the next time he decides to have a nervous breakdown. The one who his family thinks isn't good enough because my parents are working class. I want someone who thinks I am the sun and the moon and everything in between, who is my best friend and who treats me with respect and care because they value me and our relationship. Someone who holds moral values which they can actually live by.
How can I forget everything that has gone on? How can I ever trust him again? I never even knew him when I was in love with him. Would I have loved him so much if I had known what he was feeling and thinking? So much of the last 4 years has been a lie - his lie.
He was everything I wanted - the only thing - the only man I've ever been in love with. I would never have left him, I would have died for him and he broke my heart into a million pieces - for no good reason at all. I hate him. I hate him so much for everything he has done and I hate him for coming back.
And still every inch of me just wants to lie in his arms again and have his children. How could this be happening again? I am such a fool. Such a total and utter fool.
Lady J you are right. My brain KNOWS that this won't work. I know he isn't right. Even if he was in a place right now where he was happy and sorted and had addressed his issues (which he hasn't) why would I take him back?
I want a husband not a mess. I need a man not a selfish child. I'm sick of rescuing him again and again only for him to fail to help himself.
Mrs Spike - you did the work. You realised you really still loved your husband - REALLY loved him. I don't think that is true here. He hasn't done any work. And he doesn't love me. I feel it in my heart. Perhaps if he did things would be different but I have enough self-respect back now to realise that what he has to offer is not something I want anymore. But it still hurts SO much.
|
|
|
Post by horselover (Mrs. Spike) on Jan 14, 2008 8:29:09 GMT -5
Then, ionysis, the road that you have been on for the last while, is the one you need to continue down. As painful as it is, believe that you are a beautiful person in your own right, his validations mean nothing. If you did not feel good enough, if he made you feel fat and ugly, if, in your heart, you believe that he does not love you, then cry your tears, and wave goodbye. Everyone deserves to be the sun and the moon to someone, so demand it from those in your life, and until you feel it from someone, keep walking. Take this time to be right within yourself. Believe that you are everything that he made you feel you are not, and know that his taking those things from you, were his selfish attempts at covering his own weaknesses. I understand tired, I really do, but the sun and the moon are out there, for you and for the one who finds you.
|
|
|
Post by Phoenixx on Jan 14, 2008 8:32:40 GMT -5
Ion - both previous posts have said it much better than I have, so all i can say at the moment is I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you're going through this again. I hope you can find the strength you did before and pull yourself back up. Remember, where you've been and where you are now. There are some HUGE red flags in your story, where you said he makes you feel bad and ugly. No one, NO ONE should ever have the right to make someone else feel that. Why would you want that in a husband. Yes, people change. Yes people deserve chances - but has he really? Only you know, and it seems you already have your answer.
Be well, Ionysis. Be well. I hope everything goes well with you, I hope you get your equilibrium. I'm keeping you in my thoughts....
|
|
|
Post by Mod (PQ-Kermie) on Jan 14, 2008 8:49:56 GMT -5
Ion.. looks like he is looking for the easy way out of his life and you are thinking of falling right into it. The reason we have history.. or a memory for that matter is to learn from it. It has been over three and a half years for me.. and through that time I have fallen back into that same mindset that you face right now. I have found that no matter how good I made things out to me in my mind the reality of the situation was that I really didn't want her in my life ever again. I know its hard to get through the everyday life without that someone there to help and to hold. But having someone there who will one day repeat the past is no way to move yourself into the future.
|
|
|
Post by goods on Jan 14, 2008 9:06:35 GMT -5
Ion, I agree with everyone else... is he the type of man you want to spend your life with? If this was happening with your best friend, what would your advice to her be? Does he respect himself, does he respect you, will you respect yourself? None of us truly know the right thing for you to do... we don't know what is in his heart/head or yours. But you do.
|
|
|
Post by freckles on Jan 14, 2008 10:42:33 GMT -5
Tell Him he needs to show you he is Sincere He must be Good and Not Bad for 2 to 5 Years After that time, if you are still without a Boyfriend He might could take you out to McDonalds for Breakfast (And if You are still Mad, then he cant)
|
|
|
Post by RO on Jan 14, 2008 10:46:49 GMT -5
I was faced with a similar situation about 6 months in...
I can only echo what others have said.
I thought about it and realized that I couldn't go down that path again.
My exh favorite line was "I have my head on straight this time." But the reality was he lied to me all the time. He told me he was in therapy but he was on my insurance and I know he never went...He could like to my face and not flinch.
I, too, lived with the verbal abuse and won't put myself in that situation again.
No one has the right to do that...don't give them the power.
YOU are a beautiful person...inside and out...hold on to that...be the strong person you have become...the one with the bright future awaiting her...
Hang in there and many hugs...it is all so emotional...but I think from your post...you made your decision.
|
|
super
Full Member
Posts: 122
|
Post by super on Jan 14, 2008 12:14:51 GMT -5
I think you answered your own question. You know it's wrong for you to be with him. Don't let him sway you.
|
|
|
Post by JimB on Jan 14, 2008 17:46:41 GMT -5
It would be great if he seemed at all capable of maintaining an adult relationship between equals. But everything you've shared tells me he's looking for more of a mother-slash-psychiatrist.
I'm sure your heart breaks for him, but when you think about it, it seems the original questions you had wanted answers for have been answered. I hope you're no longer thinking in terms of friendship.
|
|
|
Post by bobfromacctg on Jan 14, 2008 22:15:50 GMT -5
If your daughter came to you (assuming you had one of course) and asked you what she should do in this situation - what would be your response?
There is your answer. It isn't easy - that is for sure. Don't lose the ground you have made in the last year.
As Freckles said, make him prove by his actions that he has changed. Its very good advice. I did that to my ex the first time we seperated - unfortunately more trauma in our marriage and the changes she made did not hold. (violent son and another son diagnosed with cancer).
So sorry - wish things were better for you.
|
|
|
Post by kittenhart on Jan 14, 2008 22:28:00 GMT -5
Everyone deserves to be the sun and the moon to someone, so demand it from those in your life, and until you feel it from someone, keep walking. Take this time to be right within yourself. Believe that you are everything that he made you feel you are not, and know that his taking those things from you, were his selfish attempts at covering his own weaknesses. I understand tired, I really do, but the sun and the moon are out there, for you and for the one who finds you. Ionysis, I read your entire story back at OJAR and took comfort in your posts many days, when you were able to verbalize feelings I had, but couldn't express. I know what it feels like to be that kind of tired....but the fact is, he can not give you what you need from him because he isn't capable. He simply isn't capable of it. He has outright told you that he knows this to be true, by admitting that he "isn't right" within himself. You also know that he can't give you what you need....he never has been able to. There isn't much that hurts worse than walking away from someone you love (and hoped for so much future with) out of self-preservation....but I think it's the right choice for you to continue on this path, as Mrs. Spike said. I think possibly the only thing that could hurt worse in the end would be to take him back and live a trapped life being angry and resentful at a man that simply can't give you what you want because he doesn't have it to give.
|
|
|
Post by ionysis on Jan 15, 2008 8:14:08 GMT -5
I know this could be a huge mistake but I feel like I just have to see how much he wants this. I really don't think I want to be with him but I need to know whether he is serious in what he says.
I wrote him an email telling him I'd think about meeting him to talk provided he agreed to a number of onerous but, in the circumstances, wholly reasonable conditions to prove he was really sure that he wanted to try to reconcile - things such as counselling, reading certain books and articles, cutting off contact with the women he lied to me about and getting tested for STDs and showing me the results. I am waiting to see what he comes back with. If he refuses to do as I ask then I know he was never serious in the first place. If he negotiates on any of them I'll know more about his underlying thought processes. If he agrees to everything unconditionally then I might even consider meeting him to talk.
That may sound like I'm giving him ultimatums.... yep, actually that is pretty accurate, I AM giving him ultimatums. I need to be 1000% convinced that he is sure of what he's doing and REALLY wants me back. Even then I don't think I want him back but I want to know if he is the selfish,weak user I think he is or whether for once in his life he will be the one prepared to make sacrifices / compromises because he really does miss me that much.
I sincerely doubt this will be the case.
Will keep you posted on what he comes back with...
|
|