|
Post by Phoenixx on Feb 22, 2008 3:52:18 GMT -5
Some of you may remember my story from Ojar. I dont really want to rehash the entire thing but for a short recap: the ex wanted to go travelling. I gave him my blessings. Before he left I found some text messages on his phone, some flirty ones.Although he swore there was nothing,it sort of ruined things between us before he left. Also,he'd never travelled before and was really nervous/scared about it,to the point of pushing everyone away. As someone who's travelled extensively I couldnt understand,because its an adventure, right? Anyway, he left. After a couple of months of emailing me he suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. I didnt bother emailing him since I knew he was fine from his facebook activity, but of course it hurt me that someone who I was supposed to be building a life with could just cut contact with no explanation. Yesterday morning I got a phonecall from a number I didnt recognise. It was him. Our conversation was very brief, because to be honest I couldnt control my temper. I didnt shout,but I did ask him why he called me. He really had no answer. I told him I had to go as I was rushing late from work. Two seconds later I get a text from a mutual friend asking why S (the ex) thinks I hate him. What the hell? Aren't I justified in being angry? Isn't it unfair that he just dropped off the face of the earth? For about 4months I had no way of knowing he was alive unless it was from his facebook. Dont get me wrong. I didnt email him back when I didnt get a reply to the one email, but why should I? For God's sake, I didnt even get a bloody Happy New Years! I got one from his SISTER who couldnt stand me when I was with him, but nothing from him. How dare he just call me, and no apologies! Nothing. Like everything is fine! I know I can be a drama queen sometimes, I know I blow things way out of proportion - but am I wrong in this? My best friend keeps saying I need to give him a chance to explain himself. but I am so angry. I really thought I was over the anger, but when I heard his voice yesterday it was so fresh, like he just left 2minutes ago.... Is closure worth the aggro?
|
|
|
Post by redskyatnight on Feb 22, 2008 7:20:51 GMT -5
You are justified to be angry with him, and he should have given you some kind of reason why he hasn't called. He may be embarrassed or otherwise having trouble with what he did.
If you want to know what happened, you'll have to calm down enough for him to tell you. It is very difficult to talk to someone when they are angry. Maybe you could write an email and let it sit for a day, thensend it. Tell him that you are angry and hurt that he didn't contact you and you are having trouble pretending that nothing happened, then give him time to respond.
If you don't want an explanation, then don't worry about it.
|
|
|
Post by ionysis on Feb 22, 2008 8:40:46 GMT -5
I found that until I expressed the anger I couldn't hear anything. Once I went round to his flat and had my evening of screaming, shouting and throwing things I found I could sit down and talk to him. The anger still has little flare ups sometimes but NOTHING like the way I used to feel. Hearing his explanatioms really helped me.
There are no excuses as to why someone should treat you badly but sometimes there are reasons. Usually bad, selfish reasons, but at least you'll understand what was going through his head.
|
|
hope
New Member
Posts: 36
|
Post by hope on Feb 22, 2008 9:02:00 GMT -5
My ex did pretty much the same thing. After a period of not communicating for about a year and half, he called. We talked and then emailed daily or every few days for months. Then suddenly, he stopped responding to my emails. Nothing in particular happened, no explanation. Just stopped. And yeah, I'm super angry. I think I have a right to be. But at this point, really, I'm so sick of him. In some ways it's sad. But mostly I'm furious. I'm furious anyway that he promised me a life and then took it all back for no good or rational reason, but I'm furious all over again now. I don't want him back, but all of this feels very controlling -- we talk when he wants to. Really, I think he's struggling more than I am with the after effects of the divorce right now, and that is actually kind of comforting since I always thought it was harder for me.
|
|
|
Post by RO on Feb 22, 2008 10:31:12 GMT -5
I think knowing you...you will talk to him in person at some point. You seek answers on some level but I am not sure that they will be the answers you want or if they will only create more questions in your mind.
Is there really any excuse for what he has done to you? Keep that in mind when you hear him out if you choose to do so.
For me, I got answers but it didn't bring me any closure. There will always be more questions.
I am going to PM you with more.
|
|
hope
New Member
Posts: 36
|
Post by hope on Feb 22, 2008 10:38:12 GMT -5
I agree with that too. I don't think there will be answers for me either. I know I have to work on accepting that. I don't think my ex knows the answers, he doesn't understand himself emotionally. It's hard to think your life fell apart and there won't be any answers as to why. *sigh*
|
|
|
Post by jules on Feb 22, 2008 11:17:17 GMT -5
For me, I got answers but it didn't bring me any closure. There will always be more questions. Ditto. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to get any answers that are satisfactory or that make enough sense to me. Some things just are unfathomable.
|
|
hope
New Member
Posts: 36
|
Post by hope on Feb 22, 2008 15:09:19 GMT -5
For me, I got answers but it didn't bring me any closure. There will always be more questions. Ditto. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to get any answers that are satisfactory or that make enough sense to me. Some things just are unfathomable. Yes, unfathomable. That's a perfect word for it.
|
|
|
Post by crushy on Feb 22, 2008 23:00:33 GMT -5
Girl, I'm feeling a bit cynical tonight, but I'm going to try to express what I'm thinking. Let's face it, men and women are different even under the best of circumstances...honestly, what can he tell you as a man that you will truly embrace and understand as a woman when you both have not be on the same wavelength for some time. I'm proud of you for not hanging on his every word, choosing to be late for work, being sucked into, 'I dropped off the face of the earth, but now can we just pretend none of that happened?' All break ups have so many phases, the denial phase, the blame phase, the bargaining phase, etc, etc. Ask yourself, what do you need now? Yes, you may have needed to hear his reasons 3 mos ago, but if it only angers you now, it sounds to me like you don't think there is a reason he can give you that you could accept. Okay, imagine you do listen and accept it, now where is your trust level with him? Take your time. YOU are in control now. If I had to guess (and again, this is just a guess), he got away, got his feet wet and then realized what he had was what he may have wanted after all (or at least until his next trip). Whatever you do, your true friends will give your their honest opinion and then support you no matter what you do. I hope you know I am one of them. You've grown soooooooooo much and I'm one of your biggest fans. You do what you need to do to look back with no regrets and yet still not compromise your dignity.... Crushy
|
|
|
Post by Saucy on Feb 23, 2008 0:07:52 GMT -5
in my honest humble opinion, go on with your life. he left, didnt contact you and then now all of a sudden expect you to be in his life again? i'd be pissed for a minute, and then let it go, but still wouldnt consider him back in my life if he didnt really take it into consideration to keep contact here and there before. but its your life, your choices. if you love him still, let him marinate in your anger then re-consider going back to speaking terms.
|
|
|
Post by freckles on Feb 23, 2008 18:27:47 GMT -5
He is Horny
|
|
|
Post by Phoenixx on Feb 23, 2008 22:10:38 GMT -5
Thank you for the advice guys....So we spoke very briefly this morning. I was rushing around so it wasn't a long conversation, but the crux of it was that he knows he did the wrong thing, but felt it was the only thing he could do at the time- apparantly because being away was "killing" him and thus could only handle it if he cut himself off. My issue is not that he didn't email - as long as he had said that "I just need to do this". How difficult is that?
I feel horribly low and tired. And sad. And I know that at some point I will probably meet him to finish this conversation face to face. But since he is going back to the cruise ship for another contract it really doesnt matter, does it? I mean, he's already proven he's completely and utterly unreliable, its caused me to question everything he's ever said to me, it caused me to question the entire relationship. I cannot figure it out any longer. I just know I could never handle feeling the way I did again. I cant. I refuse to.
|
|
hope
New Member
Posts: 36
|
Post by hope on Feb 23, 2008 22:29:21 GMT -5
I find it really easy to start questioning the whole relationship, too.
But, I usually realize that I shouldn't really be doing that. I tell myself he's doing something wrong now, yes. But that's doesn't color the whole 12 years we were together. I think things changed -- rather than thinking that I was misled the whole time.
The thing is, it sucks when you can't get answers. And then it could be easy, at least for me, to start filling in the answers, with anything, something, usually things that hurt, just to get answers and make it make sense.
But it doesn't make sense, and I don't think I'll ever have answers. That's hard to accept. But I know I have to keep moving ahead, even though he does all he can to keep me attached to him emotionally. Tonight, I put away my wedding dress, after being divorced for a year. I had mixed feelings but overall -- it's sad, but I know it was something I did for myself that was right.
|
|
|
Post by Phoenixx on Feb 26, 2008 7:12:59 GMT -5
Thanks hope. Its hard right now for me to make sense of things, let alone my own feelings. I've kept communication silent, and Im just taking some time to sort through my mind before I go there again.
Well done for putting the wedding dress away. One of the first things I did when he left, was put away his pictures and presents. I havent thrown them out yet - but maybe soon that will come.
I'll keep posting...
|
|
|
Post by prairienomad on Feb 26, 2008 14:09:00 GMT -5
Phoenixx, I think you are well-justified in your anger and your lack of trust in him. That sounds good that you are thinking through things on your own right now, and not initiating communication.
He chose to cut off all conversation with you, over having what he perceived would be difficult conversation. To put it another way, he was cowardly, when it came to you and your relationship. Rather than dealing and taking a chance of doing it wrong, he just plain chose not to deal at all. This left you feeling betrayed, abandoned and very hurt.
I think in time it will help you to have these answers that he has provided you with (however meagre!) because you will have some kind of explanation in your head, rather than the blank confusion of no answers at all.
Just keep taking your time and doing what feels comfortable. You are going through a lot right now, with your Grandmother, too. All of it must feel very overwhelming. Take care. You've been a bright light for me, too.
|
|