Dear You..

J (Hot Mess) Senior Member Once you go through this...nothing can touch you. Posts: 343	Dear You.. Jan 10, 2008 21:37:19 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by J (Hot Mess) on Jan 10, 2008 21:37:19 GMT -5 I dont know if you will get a slew of letters like you did on the other. All I know is that today it hurts to love you. It can creep up and slam me like a ton of bricks and I never even saw it coming.
	"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

J (Hot Mess) Senior Member Once you go through this...nothing can touch you. Posts: 343	Dear You.. Jan 11, 2008 13:35:04 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by J (Hot Mess) on Jan 11, 2008 13:35:04 GMT -5 I shouldnt have done that.....it was a mistake. Now I am paying. Stupid girl.
	"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

sheyd God Posts: 1,437	Dear You.. Jan 11, 2008 14:06:18 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by sheyd on Jan 11, 2008 14:06:18 GMT -5 What did you do? Are you ok? Shey

J (Hot Mess) Senior Member Once you go through this...nothing can touch you. Posts: 343	Dear You.. Jan 11, 2008 19:37:14 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by J (Hot Mess) on Jan 11, 2008 19:37:14 GMT -5 It was stupid Shey...I am embarrassed to say. Yes, Im ok....just had a major backslide because of it. God I make really really really bad decisions with this new life of mine.
	"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

ladyj New Member Posts: 7	Dear You.. Jan 11, 2008 19:54:35 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by ladyj on Jan 11, 2008 19:54:35 GMT -5 It is okay as long as you learn from them, you know? You can either beat yourself up or view it as an opportunity for growth. That is how I approach my mistakes now.

J (Hot Mess) Senior Member Once you go through this...nothing can touch you. Posts: 343	Dear You.. Jan 17, 2008 20:26:21 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by J (Hot Mess) on Jan 17, 2008 20:26:21 GMT -5 Im so tired of all of this. Its been so long. I wish I was there and never left to come back here. Everything I love is there with you. And you. I keep fooling myself.
	"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

ionysis
Senior Member

Posts: 331

Dear You.. Jan 19, 2008 13:36:38 GMT -5

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Post by ionysis on Jan 19, 2008 13:36:38 GMT -5

You won't ever forget. A kindred soul, no matter what they do to you, will always be a kindred soul. But he won't ever forget you either - he can't. Ever. The bond between people who understand each other in the most fundamental sense is never broken, even though you can't live your lives together. I won't tell you everything will be OK. It won't. But always remember the reason why you have the capacity to feel as you feel and love as you love is something which makes you amongst a very small and very special group of people on this earth. And as much as it hurts you should thank God you are the way you are.

Thinking of you.

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."

J (Hot Mess) Senior Member Once you go through this...nothing can touch you. Posts: 343	Dear You.. Jan 23, 2008 21:57:10 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by J (Hot Mess) on Jan 23, 2008 21:57:10 GMT -5 Thank you E~~ I dont really know what to say but thank you for writing this. You are in that group you speak of as well. You are. Sigh. ~J
	"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

J (Hot Mess)
Senior Member

Once you go through this...nothing can touch you.

Posts: 343

Dear You.. Feb 2, 2008 14:09:38 GMT -5

Quote

Post by J (Hot Mess) on Feb 2, 2008 14:09:38 GMT -5

I really dont know how I feel about you getting a new BMW convertible while I struggle to survive. My apparent unconditional love should mean that I should be happy for you, right? But I dont feel all that happy about it. Im glad you got a car but it really feels like I still am the one that paid for it. And must it be that car? It couldnt be a more modest car? Of course not..not with you..

It would be nice that while your life keeps getting more fabulous, and for that I am glad, if mine might possible be getting just slightly less destroyed. There is no ying and yang of balance in our story. Its like I deserve what I get for all the times I never said no. Somehow I once again feel like that is my fault.

I *am* glad you are doing better. I am. I feel guilty even putting my other feelings into print...admitting it makes me feel like a bad person. I know Im not a bad person. Only you have the ability of making me feel like one though~~whether you mean to or not~~which in this case you didnt. In your mind this has nothing to do with me. In my mind, it does.

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

J (Hot Mess) Senior Member Once you go through this...nothing can touch you. Posts: 343	Dear You.. Feb 7, 2008 2:02:37 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by J (Hot Mess) on Feb 7, 2008 2:02:37 GMT -5 Youre mine too, S. Youre mine too. Thank God for you or I would be dead. It does not matter to me if people dont understand that.
	Last Edit: Feb 18, 2008 21:52:44 GMT -5 by J (Hot Mess) "Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

ionysis
Senior Member

Posts: 331

Dear You.. Feb 7, 2008 4:01:04 GMT -5

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Post by ionysis on Feb 7, 2008 4:01:04 GMT -5

I feel just the same.

Everyone says its my own fault now. I don't even tell my friends about R anymore, let alone my family. They think that after so long if I hurt its my own fault for still letting him be in my life, for not cutting him off.

But he's part of me like S is part of you. Despite everything, nothing feels so empty as living without them in your life at all. No one seems to understand that. They don't seem to get what that kind of a connection is like. Just knowing he is at the other end of a phone.... Someone who you know and who knows you inside out - and not just because of the time spent together but in a way which is fundamental to who you ARE, the way you think. Genetics? Brain waves? Kindred spirits? Something which makes you connect to each other and know each other more profoundly than people ever usually can. Maybe you can't be together but you couldn't ever contemplate not being in each others lives.

I understand. It's your choice to make. Its a valid one. And it's OK.

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."

J (Hot Mess)
Senior Member

Once you go through this...nothing can touch you.

Posts: 343

Dear You.. Feb 8, 2008 23:13:58 GMT -5

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Post by J (Hot Mess) on Feb 8, 2008 23:13:58 GMT -5

Sometimes we dont even talk Ion. We just fall asleep on the phone thousands of miles away from each other together, yet very much not together. Nor would we be very much "together" if we lived any closer. Sometimes I thought there wasnt but one person out there that understood me....but since meeting you E, I know there are at least two.

Thank you. I will take two. Im always here for you as well you know. It feels absurd typing it. Of course you know that I know that you know............

xo

~~J

Last Edit: Feb 8, 2008 23:17:12 GMT -5 by J (Hot Mess)

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

J (Hot Mess)
Senior Member

Once you go through this...nothing can touch you.

Posts: 343

Dear You.. Feb 10, 2008 14:25:07 GMT -5

Quote

Post by J (Hot Mess) on Feb 10, 2008 14:25:07 GMT -5

Its these weeks leading up to you leaving that make me try so hard to remember anything and everything that was wrong. Of course it wasnt perfection. I realize now I was always scared you'd go again. And you did. Just a lot sooner that I expected.

I guess I knew we wouldnt have happily ever after in California. I just think that I thought it would have lasted a little longer.

I still wish I didnt move away. Still a fool.

Nothing ends out the way we planned. Love is a bird in hand.

Last Edit: Feb 10, 2008 14:30:06 GMT -5 by J (Hot Mess)

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

J (Hot Mess)
Senior Member

Once you go through this...nothing can touch you.

Posts: 343

Dear You.. Feb 15, 2008 22:39:44 GMT -5

Quote

Post by J (Hot Mess) on Feb 15, 2008 22:39:44 GMT -5

I know what you're doing. I know you. I can see that you're (in essence) leaving again. The calls come fewer, you're always busy, etc, etc...

And I guess I knew this would come...just once again its sooner than i thought. I think it really will be goodbye for good soon. I don't think you will say it though...you wont say goodbye...you will just slowly fade out. Don't forget I know you better than anyone.

I know what you're doing. Ok. I'm preparing myself for this. I will miss you. I will really f*cking miss you. Its probably for the best, as everyone has been saying all the hell along.

I wonder why now? She just broke up with you so its not like its b/c of your relationship. Or maybe thats why. Always keeping me guessing.

Last Edit: Feb 15, 2008 22:59:29 GMT -5 by J (Hot Mess)

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

J (Hot Mess) Senior Member Once you go through this...nothing can touch you. Posts: 343	Dear You.. Feb 17, 2008 21:51:19 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by J (Hot Mess) on Feb 17, 2008 21:51:19 GMT -5 Why are you doing this? I hate it.
	"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."