ladyj
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by ladyj on Mar 24, 2008 17:03:53 GMT -5
Please do not misunderstand this post of mine. It is only a suggestion and it may help one person.
I remember holding onto a relationship when I was younger, for what it felt like was years, and yes it probably was.......I felt he was the only man on this earth for me. I couldn't even imagine going on without him. This was crazy as this man did not treat me right and it was the main reason I broke off the relationship. He showed me time and time again that he was not committed and I just got hurt over and over again.
Yet, I continued to hold on and on and on , even years after it ended.
I now know that it had NOTHING to do with the man at all. It had ALL to do with me.
I had a few turning points in my recovery after the disaster with numbnuts. #1 light bulb moment for me was realizing that most of what I was experiencing had more to do with myself and my past than it did with him. He was just a temp actor playing a role that had been played a few times in the past. The details in the story were different, the actors were different, but each time the story played out, it had a similar theme.
I firmly believe we replay our stories over and over again until we finally learn our lessons. It is why we bring these "players" into our lives. We have relationships so we can grow and learn about ourselves.
Yes this is simplifying things a great deal as I know each of our relationships are so unique but I believe there is some truth here.
We do not bring unhealthy individuals into our lives unless we have issues ourselves.
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midge
Junior Member
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Post by midge on Mar 24, 2008 18:02:42 GMT -5
Please do not misunderstand this post of mine. It is only a suggestion and it may help one person. I remember holding onto a relationship when I was younger, for what it felt like was years, and yes it probably was.......I felt he was the only man on this earth for me. I couldn't even imagine going on without him. This was crazy as this man did not treat me right and it was the main reason I broke off the relationship. He showed me time and time again that he was not committed and I just got hurt over and over again. Yet, I continued to hold on and on and on , even years after it ended. I now know that it had NOTHING to do with the man at all. It had ALL to do with me. ...We do not bring unhealthy individuals into our lives unless we have issues ourselves. OMG! when i was miserable in my marriage, i often wondered what happened to a guy in college i dated before my husband. i held onto him as a fantasy (for YEARS), i even thought i wouldn't have been miserable if i had not broken up with him. i wondered about him and then told myself that i was wasting what i had by thinking about a fictional past. i was with my exhusband for a total of eight years- when we broke up, i didn't think of the college boyfriend, i just didn't care. i realize now that there were definitely insurmountable issues in my marriage on an emotional level (i think we may have been able to have a perfectly serviceable marriage, just not a really fulfilling one). college boyfriend was my escapist fantasy that interfered with getting to the bottom of what was wrong with me and my relationship. i have actually come to terms that holding onto ratt for one more minute wastes my present (just as wondering about college boyfriend wasted potential in my marriage). it is about me, only a little about him. he gave me nothing and i settled for so little- and why? i know what was really special about ratt and i may never again find it in another person. but i also know what was not so special, and i owe myself more. i really loved my exhusband, but i had to let go of that as well rather than letting my hurt hold me back. i can appreciate the wonderful things about him and let go of the things that got in the way of our success. ladyj- what you said is right on and a hard thing to face. |
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ladyj
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by ladyj on Mar 24, 2008 18:17:44 GMT -5
It is a very difficult truth to face but until you do I don't think many of us have much of a chance of finding peace in our lives.
I remember the moment for me . I shared this with others on ojar before. I took every dinner plate in the house and went into my bathroom and proceeded to smash each one into the tub as I sobbed hysterically. When the plates were destroyed , I found myself on a puddle on the floor sobbing, smsing my closest friend and it was then I realized......I was not crying over my ex at all. I was grieving losses from many many years ago. I then made the connection. My relationship with my ex had more to do with my father than anything else. I was angry and feeling such grief over his death, grief I had never dealt with properly before.
I had tried to replace a relationship I lost as a teen in other relationships over and over and over again.
I don't care for sharing such personal stuff but I think this may help others. I really feel if we can be courageous and get to the real core of our pain, we can move on from negative relationships and find wholeness.
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Post by J (Hot Mess) on Mar 24, 2008 21:25:33 GMT -5
All I did today was think of my ex vacationing in Monteray while I was looking at shitty apartments in upstate NY. I hadnt seen any of these posts until now. If someone has the secret to letting go I am all ears. I cant take this anymore. I cant take it. Thaks for your posts you guys.
PS- Just dont tell me to go no contact. Im not doing it again. Thanks please.
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Post by Phyxius on Mar 24, 2008 22:12:38 GMT -5
PS- Just dont tell me to go no contact. Im not doing it again. Thanks please. If I did, it would definitely be a "Physician heal thyself" moment...  |
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Post by freckles on Mar 26, 2008 14:33:10 GMT -5
You are a Strong Person
You Can make it
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Post by jules on Mar 26, 2008 15:00:42 GMT -5
i think no contact is the only way to make a clean break of it. why are you opposed to it?
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Post by J (Hot Mess) on Mar 26, 2008 15:32:08 GMT -5
For many reasons. I dont want a clean break. We want to be a part of each others lives. We are best friends. I just happen to still be in love with him. I cannot articulate it and most on the board dont understand but a few do. I will not go no contact again....it does not work for me....it makes things much, much worse. Weve done n/c for up to a year before.
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Post by freckles on Mar 26, 2008 15:34:03 GMT -5
For many reasons. I dont want a clean break. We want to be a part of each others lives. We are best friends. I just happen to still be in love with him. I cannot articulate it and most on the board dont understand but a few do. I will not go no contact again....it does not work for me....it makes things much, much worse. Weve done n/c for up to a year before. Then maybe you can try agan ? |
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Post by J (Hot Mess) on Mar 26, 2008 15:34:55 GMT -5
Weve run out of times to try. Also, he does not want to try again.....
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Post by jules on Mar 26, 2008 15:38:36 GMT -5
For many reasons. I dont want a clean break. We want to be a part of each others lives. We are best friends. I just happen to still be in love with him. I cannot articulate it and most on the board dont understand but a few do. I will not go no contact again....it does not work for me....it makes things much, much worse. Weve done n/c for up to a year before. Of course you know your own heart, but from what I understand this man hasn't treated you with a whole lot of love or respect. Why would you want a best friend like that? You don't have to answer. Just maybe something to think about. I found no contact to be excruciating at first. I still miss my best friend. But that man is dead to me. I grieve the loss of him, our marriage, and our friendship. But no contact was the only way for me to put the past in the past and move on. |
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Post by sheyd on Mar 26, 2008 15:51:18 GMT -5
All I did today was think of my ex vacationing in Monteray while I was looking at shitty apartments in upstate NY. I hadnt seen any of these posts until now. If someone has the secret to letting go I am all ears. I cant take this anymore. I cant take it. Thaks for your posts you guys. PS- Just dont tell me to go no contact. Im not doing it again. Thanks please. First of all - if you want to let go - you have to control your own thought patterns. Why, when you are looking at apartments, should you think of him at all? When your mind goes to him, particularly your rosy view of him or his life -- STOP YOURSELF. You CAN do it, you are choosing not to. Pay more attention to what is in front of you, distract yourself in other ways - talk to a friend and ask them about their life, rather than talking about him or his life. He is NOT part of your world, right now, so dwelling on anything about him is NOT helpful. Don't let your mind go there. STOP COMPARING. Stop comparing your life now to what your life was, stop comparing your life now to what it could be (especially since it really COULDN'T be - since he isn't coming back and frankly it would be bad for you if he did), stop comparing your life now to what you think you should be doing or be at right now. STOP COMPARING - your life IS what it IS. So start making the best of what you have instead of bemoaning what you don't. You have enough things to deal with that you don't need the extra stick banging you in the head about what you think you SHOULD have. Make the best of what you have. No contact... I went two years no contact with my guy that is like yours (and we weren't together as long). Now we DO have contact, but not in a really consistent or close way. I am not saying no contact for life- but LIMIT it. He isn't IN your life anymore, as hard as that is to face. He just isn't. He isn't GOING to be, either, not in any real way, especially not in the forseable future. The more contact you have, the more you build up this dream, this ideal, and it just isn't there. You can't build on your own life if your mind is constantly on some other non-existent life. You have so much you have to deal with, and I know the dream is so tempting - but don't let this dream interfere with reality - because it ISN'T REALITY. You CAN get past this, but you have to ACTUALLY want to - and be willing to work at it - and be willing to face harsh truths and make them part of your world. Not to beat yourself up with or give yourself pain with (which is what you are doing now) but to accept how things are and be able to start building a foundation in your current life/heart/mind that is REAL. Shey |
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Post by freckles on Mar 26, 2008 16:29:58 GMT -5
Weve run out of times to try. Also, he does not want to try again..... Then you need someone Nice Why wait on someone that is not Nice enough to Love you ? He is Blind and wearing Blinders He will not see You You should look for someone that will appreciate you Because you are a Good Person that anyone would be Blessed to have you in thier life.  |
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Post by J (Hot Mess) on Mar 26, 2008 17:08:46 GMT -5
I am not trying to reconcile freck but thank you.
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Post by ionysis on Mar 27, 2008 0:37:55 GMT -5
Did you ever have a therapist hon?
If so I just wondered what he/she said about things... I don't for one second think that therapists are always right but it would be interesting to have a professional's interpretation of the situation.
It is easy for us to say "no contact". but I know how hard it is. I only had the strength to do that when I realized that the contact I had with R at that time wasn't real because he was lying to me all the time. That was the one thing that I couldn't take.
No contact DID make me get over him. I rarely thought of him and I was actually not actively unhappy - not in the same raw, tearing, agonising way I had been before anyway, but I did miss him. I missed the *someone* who knew me inside out.
You will only be able to do what feels right for you. Contact, no contact, minimal contact, whatever... until you are ready to take the next step - whatever it is - you won't be able to make yourself. You may find that a new place to live, a new life, will naturally ease your mind and your heart into a better place. Sometimes things which seem to be wholly negative and unfair and as though life has given you the short straw actually end up being the start of something good. The world often seems to work that way.
One day you may be thanking your lucky stars for the sub-prime crisis, or for being ill, or for S leaving, because one of those things or a combination of them may lead you to a place where you always needed to be. Have faith. If you can't have faith in yourself, have faith that there is something out there, some reason, something we don't understand but which has a purpose. I'm not a big believer in "God" in the typical sense but I do believe that there is a higher power of some kind and that sometimes when there isn't anything else left to lean on if you put yourself in the hands of the universe and trust that sometime, somehow life might just throw you a bone rather than a poisoned chalice it will happen.
Be patient sweetie, I have a feeling that life isn't finished with you yet.
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