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Post by Phoenixx on Jun 28, 2008 8:28:05 GMT -5
S - everything I wanted to say I did. So writing here is a little fruitless, but I guess I want to tell you, since I dont know when I will ever have the chance again, or if I even ever will. I love you. I miss you. I miss our friendship, our hugs, the way we laugh, the way we talk. I miss our jokes. I miss talking about metaphysical issues, I miss how you take care of me. I miss how you always know exactly what I want, even when I dont know it myself. I miss how you can tell when I am sick, or cold, or hungry, even if its over the phone and I havent seen you in a year. I wish I could articulate to people how you can touch me and literally take away my physical pain. I miss how I can send you to sleep when you suffer from such insomnia, and I love how I can make you laugh. I love how you encourage me, how you push me forward, how you are so proud of me. I hope I do the same for you.
I dont know what's going to happen. It's been so long and I still love you just as stongly. Maybe even stronger, because it hasnt faded with absence. I dont know if absence makes the heart grow fonder. or if it just means that I am an idiot and I should get with the programme, but I am not gonna keep beating myself up for loving you. I do. And God has a plan for us because we cant feel this way after so long with so many thousands of miles between us - and it end up in nothing.
I'll probably get mad and angry and whatever...but for now...
I love you. I love you a thousand times a thousand. Thank you for reminding me what we could be. And even though I am crying right now, eventhough I am already missing you so much - its okay. Because I am happy for our memories. Be safe...
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Post by Phoenixx on Jun 28, 2008 17:57:52 GMT -5
27-06-08 - just thoughts
Tomorrow is not here yet, and I don’t mean to be pessimistic because your breath is laying against the back of my neck like silence, like an afterthought unfelt too long. Tomorrow is not here, so I don’t yet feel my throat closing and my eyes shedding, instead my heart settles into your sigh and body convulsions draw me nearer, closer, inside you. When tomorrow comes and things change, I’ll remember this moment – my soul feels as if it’s lying in yours. Today is more important than tomorrow.
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 2, 2008 13:18:27 GMT -5
Sweet Vandals - Beautiful
I always think to myself
if our love was so beautiful;
please remember all those happy days
weren’t we were lovers
weren’t we the best friends
we didn’t understand each other
when we both needed help
whenever I think of you
oh baby
I just feel
I just feel that I wanna start crying
oh babe
don’t want this kind of feeling to remain
don’t want to believe
don’t want to believe our love was just wasting time
if I
I belong to you baby
and a you
and a you belong to me
if I was good to you
honey yeh
and you
and you were good to to me baby
tell me please
I just an understanding
If I just made love to you honey
and you made love to me
love to me
oh darling
if I took care of you for so long
and you took care of me
tell of me baby baby
why our love’s been so difficult
our love’s been so difficult
please remember all those happy days baby
weren’t we were the best lovers
weren’t we the best friends
we didn’t understand each other
when we both needed help
but I love you
and I always will
you know that I love you
oh baby
it’s so hard to see that we couldn’t live together sometimes
it’s so hard to see (that) you don’t want me in your arms sometimes
but baby
we gotta lead our separate lives when our love has gone
oh baby baby
honey
(fade out)
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 3, 2008 8:21:06 GMT -5
I wish I could stop over-analysing. Over thinking this...us (if there even is such a term) is driving me crazy. Literally bonkers. I dont know how to control anything but myself. I need to work at changing my thinking and learning to enjoy the now since I have no idea what will happen. I'm so goddamned scared though....
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Post by sheyd on Jul 3, 2008 9:14:57 GMT -5
Sometimes, when I am scared, I work hard to figure out what I am scared of. I imagine the worst case scenario in my head. This stuff you are going through is emotional stuff - it is survivable. You have survived things like it before, you can again. So imagine the worst case. Realize you CAN live through it, you CAN be happy again after it, then let go of the fear.
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 3, 2008 9:21:07 GMT -5
Sheyd - thank you. You're right, the 'worst' I can think of right now already happened once before. And I was fine. It hurt, and I wanted it all to end many times, but I was fine. He makes me happy, but I know how to be happy without him. I just have to learn HOW to actually let go of the fear...  |
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Post by sheyd on Jul 3, 2008 9:34:33 GMT -5
Thats the way I let go - I really try to LIVE the worst case scenario. Make myself feel it - then realize it isn't that bad. Everything after that seems so much less horrible. What is not talking for a few days compared to them being dead and not talking EVER. What is them being a little snotty because they are stressed compared to them being as cold as humanly possible and leaving. Then, when you have thought of it as bad as you can - think of the survival things. Remember good times with friends, remember your support system, remember your own strengths. Really think positively, then don't let your brain go there again - because you KNOW it isn't as bad as it could be - and you know you can continue on and enjoy life anyway. Really explore it, then don't let your mind go there anymore "been there, done that, time to move on". You can't let it take all of your attention. You miss too much else if you do. Even if you go out with your friends, if your head is on him you aren't present with them, you aren't enjoying where you are properly. Explore it, then move on. It isn't JUST about distracting yourself - it is about throwing yourself (not just your body) into the activities you are doing NOW.
PS. And lack of sleep makes fears worse and self control lower... Consider taking something!
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 5, 2008 13:50:49 GMT -5
Sheyd - you are right. I have been trying to use that system over the past few days. He is leaving on another contract, and its harder having spent some time, some real time together. But life is for living, with no regrets and I am not sorry, no matter how much more it will hurt. I am trying to stay positive - if we are meant to be together, or rather truly *want* to be together, at one point one of us will figure it out and call the other. It hurts saying bye once again. But instead of 'goodbye', I am saying "see you later."
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 6, 2008 5:15:29 GMT -5
S - so, another contract. Another phonecall in the morning as you board your plane. You asked me, "isn't it supposed to be easier this time? Leaving?" I told you, you aren't leaving per se. You're just hanging out in another place. I'll see you again, maybe six months from now, maybe a year. I dont know..
Oh, I don't know what to say. It was nice you stopped running away for a short while, to remember that you can't hide whats in your heart. I'll miss you, but then I miss you now. I'll love you, I think maybe forever. I am gonna try and stop obsessing, as a beautiful lady in my life always tries to tell me. I need to.We promised eachother we'd live life to the full. That doesn't mean I wont feel the same, but its been almost a year now and I feel the same. I enjoyed myself, and I'm gonna continue doing that.
So, be safe. Be happy. But miss me. I want you to think of me and miss me, just as I will think of you and miss you, and want you in my quiet moments. Maybe someday we'll tell our grandchildren how we lived years apart and loved eachother still. *sighs* I hope you'll contact me once in a while. This time I wont be waiting around for daily emails, but I worry, no matter what. And it hurts checking whether you're alive via your facebook account. You're the love of my life baby...and I am a worrier. I can't control a future I can't see, but I can hope for a future with you.
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Post by kittenhart on Jul 6, 2008 13:48:04 GMT -5
Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
Thus, in your mind.
But to what purpose
Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose-leaves
I do not know.
T.S. Eliot
M,
Sooner or later, you will find yourself letting go of the hopes for the future that you had together and it will no longer contaminate your present....ridiculous the waste sad time stretching before and after. It can't be rushed and the only way out is through. Hugs.
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 8, 2008 16:38:21 GMT -5
Khart - you have a wonderful way of knowing just what to say. Thank you, that poem is wonderful. And just what I need today...   |
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Post by ionysis on Jul 9, 2008 3:46:39 GMT -5
I wish I could stop over-analysing. Over thinking this...us (if there even is such a term) is driving me crazy. Literally bonkers. I dont know how to control anything but myself. I need to work at changing my thinking and learning to enjoy the now since I have no idea what will happen. I'm so goddamned scared though.... This is a great post. It is a fundamental truth. You can't control him, or the situtaion, all you can control is yourself. Believe that this is happening for a reason, that what will be will be. Do all you can to make something happen the way you want it to the LET GO OF THE OUTCOME. You can be worried, you can be afraid, you can hurt and aginise over it but all that pain and hurt and worry won't do one single thing to change the outcome of the situation. I know it is easier said than done and I am TERRIBLE at it but I truly believe it is the only way anyone can ever appreciate and live in the now. Thinking of you phoenixx. |
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 9, 2008 5:24:47 GMT -5
Ion - thank you. I know you know that feeling of not being in control. For me as a complete control freak that is the most frightening thing. That I can't see whats happening, that I can't control it, that happiness may be short-lived. But, I figure, so what? I've been through quite a bit in my life and so what if I get my heart broken again? Like you, I've been here before. And this time I know what to do. Surprisingly I am doing pretty well. I'm still on the rollercoaster, but at least I dont feel like flinging myself off the highest point anymore.
Thank you for your thoughts, sometimes this place feels like the only place where I can truly express myself....
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Post by ionysis on Jul 9, 2008 9:25:09 GMT -5
Yep, I know what you mean on that. Sometimes it feels like THEY are the only ones who really understand you but they are also the only ones you CAN'T talk to about how you feel. Catch 22. This place goes some way to filling that hole. I'm so glad Hugthat still carried on after the demise of Ojar.
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 9, 2008 14:51:05 GMT -5
Yes, I do wish they would be the ones who could listen and be there. Sometimes memories are the worst thing, because I remember when he was around to listen. Ugh. Its nice to have somwhere like this... |
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