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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 9, 2008 16:24:58 GMT -5
*sighs*
I'm having a rough day today...things are just going wrong. And all I can think is that I miss you. Wonder if you're thinking about me? Probably not.
Oh well.
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 13, 2008 7:09:07 GMT -5
I went to a wedding last night...it made me think of you, of us, our beginning and our end - well, the end that I want. I caught up with some friends I havent seen in ages either, and although I spent much of the night thinking of you I had such a wonderful time. It reminded that despite the fact you're not here, I can still be so happy. When all this first started each moment I could be happy was a complete victory. Now, its the norm. I'm thinking, "i'm happy, all the time." With or without. I'm not going to deny that you make me...complete. I dont know how else to explain it. When I am with you, my soul settles, it rests. its corny, but thats it. But - I wouldn't hesitate to be with someone else, if I met someone I wanted to be with. My love for you will not stop me from being happy with someone else. Someday, when I am ready, I *will* ask you to make good on your promises. But I wont die and shrivel just because we dont end up together. And I will not keep asking myself why I am not worth fighting for harder,because you know what, I got hit on so much last night. I get compliments a lot and you know this. So dont you dare think I am just always gonna be around for you.
I'm probably rambling, but I thought I'd note this down before I get sucked down into missing you again, wishing for you again.
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Post by RO on Jul 13, 2008 23:38:25 GMT -5
It reminded that despite the fact you're not here, I can still be so happy. When all this first started each moment I could be happy was a complete victory. Now, its the norm. I'm thinking, "i'm happy, all the time." But - I wouldn't hesitate to be with someone else, if I met someone I wanted to be with. My love for you will not stop me from being happy with someone else. And I will not keep asking myself why I am not worth fighting for harder,because you know what, I got hit on so much last night. I get compliments a lot and you know this. I knew you realized all of this before that night at the wedding but I am so thrilled that you are finally reflecting it and taking it to heart. YOU are amazing, beautiful, wonderful, full of life, witty and damn brilliant and if S cannot bloody well see that...than someone else is going to snatch you up... And it might bloody well be me!  |
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 19, 2008 22:58:42 GMT -5
Haha....Oh RO. You always know how to make me smie.. |
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 19, 2008 23:02:40 GMT -5
S - ...I miss you so much right now. I could cry with the intensity of it. All I want to do is crawl into your arms and have you pull me into your chest like you do, ease my breathing into the pattern of yours, watch you fall asleep before I nod off. And when I wake, I want that beautifully safe feeling I have only with you. And I bet you don't even miss me...  |
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 21, 2008 15:56:06 GMT -5
And so it starts...I'm so tired. I'm so tired of this constant rollercoaster. How long has it been now? A year and a half? *sighs*. Oh well. Maybe someday I'll learn to let go. It might even be soon.
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Post by RO on Jul 21, 2008 21:43:07 GMT -5
You will let go when you are ready...you know this as well as I do. Look how far you have come...last time...you were an utter mess...now, look at you. Look in the mirror. An amazing, beautiful, intelligent, witty, high spirited, crazy, fun-loving, huge hearted woman looks back. Now, if only she would wear sensible shoes instead of those hooker heels...she might heal her ankle. But no one is perfect and that is why you are loved by so many. |
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 22, 2008 13:37:11 GMT -5
I know..you're right. It was different last time, it's different now. But...the voices are always there!  Thank you RO, for making me smile when I so badly want to cry. (((huggs))) PS: i am trying to let go of the hooker heels. hehehe |
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Post by RO on Jul 22, 2008 14:55:31 GMT -5
But...the voices are always there! PS: i am trying to let go of the hooker heels. hehehe Just have to work on retraining those voices. Positive affirmations. You can do it. I believe in you. Don't give in to the voices you have way too much of a wonderful life ahead of you. PS~don't give up on the hooker heels...we all need the hooker heels imho...i know i refuse to relinquish them.  |
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 22, 2008 17:25:11 GMT -5
Yes, I think affirmation and hooker heels are the way to go... |
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 22, 2008 17:55:36 GMT -5
I really need to write right now, I really need to be able to express what I'm feeling but I'm crying too hard to make sense of even the screen, let alone how sick and twisted and so close to being violently ill I feel. I keep having to re-type everything because I can't see it because of these tears. These tears once again caused by you. Or actually, by me. Me and my stupid holding on to a fantasy that isnt real, that died a year ago. How can I be so stupid? Well...obviously I can.
How stupid. How utterly, utterly STUPID.
I knew it. I knew this would happen but I just didnt wan't to believe it. I didn't want to believe it and now...its there in black and white and it is what it is and I set myself up so that I cannot say a single thing, no a single thing of how I feel. I set myself up to feel like this, to not be able to do anything about it, to be stuck here crying over you who cannot/ does not want to care enough for it to matter. For ME to matter.
I never wanted to hold you back. But that same consideration I showed you, that encouragement to live your life, to open my hand and release you so you could find your happiness, I have to show myself, to encourage my life and move forward, to shape myself. I loved you enough to break my heart so you could find happiness. I have to love myself enough to heal my heart so I can find my own happiness.
I think I might spend tonight crying though.
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Post by RO on Jul 22, 2008 21:38:51 GMT -5
Wipe away the tears...this is a familiar road. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off...and continue on your path. I hope you slept well, that you screamed when your sis got off the phone and that you danced in your socks. I have the #s. I called her already and left a message. Today, is the first day of the rest of your life, phoenixx. Are you ready?  |
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 23, 2008 7:19:04 GMT -5
Thank you, RO. I've walked this road before, andI set myself up for this anyway, hoping I would be considered when consideration is not even on the list for him. But anyway. I am ready. The rest of my life begins - and I hope I get to share it with some amazing people |
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 24, 2008 15:09:08 GMT -5
The hardest thing is learning how to give up hope... ...being busy helps me think less about you. |
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 25, 2008 7:27:59 GMT -5
I wish I could stop feeling sad.
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