Family Drama..............

[Mel (cherry)]

Well first of all, I suppose I should let y'all know I'm still alive LOL. Been in the middle of a move and didn't have Internet. I feel so behind all the news.

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I need your help guys. This is the situation. Yeehaw and I are having a very small wedding. Not more than 50 people. There are family members we want there as well as friends and some of the people that D knows thru his business. We decided in the beginning to have no children besides our own at the wedding. One of his friends alone has 7 kids and my closest has 5 so you see where this would lead..............

Well somewhere in the middle of the conversation 2-3 weeks ago, my youngest sister B (who has a 2 year old girl K) drops mention of her and my other sister's kids (3 total). I was flummoxed and immediately went into action to see what could be worked out. I laid down a list of things I needed answered if there were going to be kids in the equation.

That list included things like:

~Where will they sleep? We are limited in on site space to like 7 rooms and one cabin that sleeps 4.

~Who will take care of them in the morning while they are helping me get ready? Well their first answer was my mother and they couldn't understand why that upset me. Then they said that the kids would be fine set in front of food and cartoons.

~During the ceremony if they were to cry or get fussy who was going to leave the wedding and remove the kids? (The chapel is small and completely wood so the sound would be excruciating and nothing else would be able to be heard.) Then B asked if I minded if she held K during the ceremony.............ummm yes I would, she isn't in the wedding. Then my other sister S asks if I mind if B leaves to take K out if she gets upset...............ummm yes, she is one of my bridesmaids.

~Who will care for them while they do pictures and head table duties? Again sluffed off to maybe my Aunt Linda who is coming will be able to control them during all this stuff.

So after weeks of struggles with trying to get them to find a sitter there or something, nothing is accomplished. Divine inspiration hits and I have a friend coming who has a teenager. She isn't interested in the wedding, but would like to sightsee in Nashville on the trip back. She could earn spending money for watching my sister's kids, on site, not 50 yards away from the chapel. It wouldn't be anymore than 4 hours very max and then after the wedding is over and the pictures and the beginning mess of the reception, then the kids can join us for food and music.

Solves everyone's problem right? WRONG!! My sister's decided that would not work. They don't feel comfortable with a "stranger" even though I explained that there are lots of people I know with kids of that age but I wouldn't trust them. I carefully picked someone good. Plus she has experience with special needs kids. Not to mention that we were all babysitting at that age. They feel it is unfair to them to have to do anything with their kids, since after all they are family and how dare I even ask.

Keep in mind that these kids run my sisters. The oldest (my nephew) still sleeps with my sister because "he won't sleep by himself". And K basically does what she wants. So how are those kids going to do in sight of their parents but not being allowed to go to them or vice versa?? Not well I think.

They have basically said they refuse to make any compromise, that I am the one making the choice not them since I refuse to bend, and that they are coming with their kids whether I like it or not and if I refuse them entrance then it is my fault.

I have laid the line down. No kids at the wedding part. If you choose not to make arrangements then you cannot come. If you do not come, don't speak to me again.

So can you guys give me some clarity? Is this truly unreasonable or are they simply trying to manipulate me into doing what they want?

[Mel (cherry)]

And oh yeah did I mention that they live where we grew up so they have ALL of my mother's side of the family there not to mention all the friends they have gone to school with from middle school on up?

[amola]

Feb 6, 2009 7:45:26 GMT -5 Mel (cherry) said:

and my closest has 5

wonder who that is??

you already know my opinion - i want to see what everyone else says.

[Mel (cherry)]

Yeah me too................they are starting to make me think I'm going slowly insane...................

[amola]

slowly??? *smirk*

[Mod (PQ-Kermie)]

Ok I gotta couple takes on this.. and I have to go real quick cause I'm at work.. annnnnnd I'm supposed to be working.. shhhhhhhh

The ceremony only lasts like 15-20 min right? Is it really gonna ruin the moment if a child starts crying, you have o kinda look at the big picture and think that all these people want to be there for you (and food) and the more the merrier kinda thing. Also its a day to celebrate you and D, and that should be the only thing you worry about. Sometimes when you try and make things perfect they often times end up being not as great as you thought. also, sometimes when things go wrong, such as a child yelling out "boobs" or something .. Its one of the memories that you don't forget and look back and laugh about.

Stop stressing about it being the perfect day.. and enjoy all the family and friends around you. You can go do the hippidippidi all ya want after the wedding is over LOL

[soupnazi]

In my humble opinion, a wedding ceremony is like a funeral...its done for everyone else. Whether you spend 50 bucks and have a judge marry you, or spend a million and have every moment be picture perfect, the result is the same...you sign a certificate, and off you go.

I 100% believe that how you want to arrange your ceremony is your choice. But I also believe 100% that people are going to disagree with some of your choices, and they are entitled to that as well.

My stepson was the ringbearer at my wedding, when he was 5. He was not in a good mood, confused as to what was going on, and why he had to wear the itchy tuxedo. He cried, threw a fit, and was really getting on my nerves. And the photographer took pictures of a lot of those moments...which I cherish to this day. They turned out to be the cutest pictures and the best memories.

Again. Just my opinion. Good luck.

[Mel (cherry)]

It isn't about the PERFECT day. We all know my little blonde tornado is likely to do some "memorable moments". Family is important to me. It is a business decision based on space and money.

They will have to call and book a cabin through her offsite as well because they are adding three other bodies. That will be a cheaper price for them since they are splitting that cost between 5 adults, and so it ends up costing them less to have someone watch those kids when they cannot.......still not good enough.

I already have to pay extra for extra mouths they are bringing last minute and if I am willing to compromise and let them be the ONLY ones who are bringing their kids (including my own godson), then why can they not compromise?

[JimB]

I don't see anything unreasonable or manipulative on either side. You just want things your way and they want them theirs.

I'm totally down with the concept of a kid-free wedding (or a kid-free just about anything else, for that matter). But I 100% agree with soup that a wedding is not for the people getting married - it's for everyone else. You want your sisters there, and you want them not to be resentful about any restrictions you may have placed. It's cool that you worked hard and found a possible alternative solution, but they said no and they get to do that.

There are circumstances in life when being kind is more important than being right. This is one of them. Weddings never go exactly as planned, but somehow people end up married at the end of the day. Let it go.

[Mel (cherry)]

Yeah but they aren't footing the bill or dealing with last minute aggravations or planning............................

I disagree that weddings are for anyone but the bride and groom. It simply allows friends and family to share their joy and happiness. This isn't the dark ages where marriages stopped wars and such.

[shattered]

I'm 100 percent with Mel.

It's not about obtaining exact perfection. And it's not about doing stuff for other people. (I'm sure for some people it is, but that clearly doesn't seem to be the case here.) It's about being able to enjoy one of the most meaningful moments of your life without being unncessarily distracted. There is also the matter, as Mel said, of simple logisitics.

Can't tell you how many weddings I have been to where I couldn't hear what the minister said, couldn't hear the vows, couldn't even enjoy the music because babies and toddlers were incessantly crying, screaming, running up and down the aisle, you name it.

In every case it never occurred to the parents to take their children outside, ruining the entire service. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, because I've heard many people expressing the exact same thing.

This isn't about not liking kids -- it's about recognizing that the entire planet cannot always, at each and every second, revolve around someone's kids. What that means is that if you are told nicely and clearly that the kids are not invited to xyz, then you don't make a pest of yourself insisting that the kids must participate in xyz!

If parents can control and discipline their kids, or instantly remove them when they're acting up - that's fine. Sad fact is, almost no one does that these days. Go to nearly any movie house, theater, concert, restaurant, you name it, and there are little kids, because of their parent's fault, ruining it for everyone.

Mel, I know this doesn't give you any practical suggestions on how to deal with this, but I wanted to add my two cents that IMHO YOU are the sane one.

I guess the only solution that won't result in hard feelings would be to let the children attend the wedding and find someone who is not in the wedding party, and who isn't your mother (that would be so unfair to have to make her miss part of her daugther's wedding ceremony), who wouldn't mind, and who could be relied on to promptly take the kids outside the chapel if the start crying or becoming somehow disruptive.

Perhaps your friend's teenager could attend the ceremony and be in charge of taking any disruptive kids outside? Maybe that is something your sister would compromise on -- the teenager wouldn't be watching them alone for hours, but would simply take them outside for a few minutes if necessary.

And that doesn't address the sleeeping arrangements. But that will need to be your sister's job, right? If she insists on bringing the kids, then let her come up with suggestions for the logistics.

Good luck!!! I know this is difficult.

[amola]

i'm the same way.....i know that people will always say "oh if he starts fussing i'll take him out" but they never do and it does interfere with the other guests' ability to see and enjoy the service. honestly, i'm guilty of it myself with my kids.

i would love to be able to bring my kids so that they could see you and your kids, but when it comes right down to it, it's YOUR day and YOU get to make the rules. you said no kids, so i'm coming sans kids. considering the bond that you and my kids have, if i can deal with it, everyone else should.

but then again, your sisters have never been accused of being sane either.

[JimB]

Feb 6, 2009 10:13:57 GMT -5 Mel (cherry) said:

Yeah but they aren't footing the bill or dealing with last minute aggravations or planning............................

True. Alack-aday, life is so unfair. How many more times you planning on getting married?

I disagree that weddings are for anyone but the bride and groom. It simply allows friends and family to share their joy and happiness. This isn't the dark ages where marriages stopped wars and such.

OK, you're not wrong - it's just your opinion. But it makes it a lot harder to compromise on issues like this when you think this way. If it's your day, dammit, and everyone else better just toe the line, draw that line clearly and don't move it. You may save yourself some aggravation and expense in the short run, but be prepared to deal with the resentment and hurt feelings in the long run.

[shattered]

If it's your day, dammit, and everyone else better just toe the line, draw that line clearly and don't move it. You may save yourself some aggravation and expense in the short run, but be prepared to deal with the resentment and hurt feelings in the long run.

This is a complete misrepresenation of Mel's position.

The ones who have the "dammit, and everyone else better just toe the line" attitude are the people with kids who, eventhough they know well in advance that their kids are not included for a particular event, insist, dammit, that come hell or high water, no matter how inconvienent and impractial and annoying, that their kids must be there, everyone else's wishes be damned.

That is self-absorbed and obnoxious beyond belief. (Good for amola for respecting Mel's request. What's sad is that amola's normal behavior should be the rule, not the exception.)

I think it's time we stopped tolerating every and any breach of etiquette and good manners and common respect for fear of being called uptight.

Letting other people bully you into something you truly didn't want does not an enlightened attitude make, nor is it likely to save you aggravation.

[freckles]

The Wedding is not as important as:

Allways Giving Your Love/Life/Warmth/Caring/Sharing/etc to the Other Person

Giving the Other person Your Gift (Love/etc) every time you see them

Making the Other Person Feel Good/Happy/Loved

That should come First and be your Main Goal in Life

If BOTH People do that

That is what is most Important