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Post by goods on Feb 2, 2008 8:10:11 GMT -5
I find myself in a weird place. I have never dated around... never dated more than one woman at a time... I have all sorts of opportunities to date now and I have been... but I feel zero connection to any of the women I have gone out with. Anybody else just going through the motions? I really don't like it. I think I really need to have that connection. Strange to feel more of a connection with someone thousands of miles away than the person sitting next to you.  |
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Post by Saucy on Feb 2, 2008 11:19:10 GMT -5
dont force it babe.  |
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Post by jules on Feb 2, 2008 11:51:06 GMT -5
I think there is something to be said for going through the motions, especially after getting out of a long-term relationship (and particularly a marriage), more to see that sometimes dating is just that -- dating, and it doesn't have to lead anywhere other than hopefully a pleasant time with good company. It's a good opportunity to brush up on those dating and flirting skills, as well as to network. I was reading a book that made a lot of sense. People who are divorced are kind of programmed to think date --> relationship --> marriage. And it's difficult to break that mindset, but the best way is to just go on casual dates, good, bad, and ugly. It's also a good way to avoid jumping straight into another relationship.
This next part I hesitate to say because I fear it won't be popular, but I'll just emphasize that I'm talking IN GENERAL since I honestly have no clue of what goes on off-boards, nor do I really care to. You just can't compare a person who is right there with someone you feel a connection with thousands of miles away whom you've never met. Because that's more fantasy than reality. Trust me, I know the temptation to get sucked into that fantasy (and no not with any person with any connection to this board or ojar -- just to make that clear). I do think it is possible to build a long-distance friendship. But a relationship entails so much more that cannot be contrived outside of spending time together in person, day-to-day. To compare an in-person date with a long distance fantasy just isn't fair to anyone.
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Post by goods on Feb 2, 2008 11:57:16 GMT -5
I don't think I am comparing... and I do realize the whole fantasy aspect.... I am just not interested in going through motions... I don't think it is fair to the other person.
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Post by jules on Feb 2, 2008 12:03:27 GMT -5
As long as you are upfront and honest re: your feelings and intent, I don't see how it is unfair. But that's just my opinion.
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Post by goods on Feb 2, 2008 12:14:22 GMT -5
Well I have been very upfront. I guess I am just missing the connection (or the one I thought I had) when out doing things with someone. For me it just makes things much more enjoyable.
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Post by lumpy on Feb 2, 2008 12:33:46 GMT -5
I wonder if you're not (probably unconciously) comparing this to a connection you felt with your ex? I'm wondering too, how old you are. By connection do you think you're referring a sexual chemistry or something deeper.
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Post by goods on Feb 2, 2008 12:40:17 GMT -5
How old I am.. you hitting on me? I'm 39.... And yes I probably am comparing this to the connection I felt with my ex. (real or not) No I don't think it's just a sexual chemistry thing..
I am going to be hanging out with someone Tues night that I do feel a bit of a connection with, though we have never actually gone out and Tues is going to be a bit of a Mardi Gras group thing. So I guess we shall see... It's not like I want a serious relationship... it's just that I don't much like going out with someone, just to be going out.
I don't know if I am actually seeking advice or just opinions....
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Post by lumpy on Feb 2, 2008 12:47:11 GMT -5
How old I am.. you hitting on me? I'm 39.... And yes I probably am comparing this to the connection I felt with my ex. (real or not) No I don't think it's just a sexual chemistry thing.. I am going to be hanging out with someone Tues night that I do feel a bit of a connection with, though we have never actually gone out and Tues is going to be a bit of a Mardi Gras group thing. So I guess we shall see... It's not like I want a serious relationship... it's just that I don't much like going out with someone, just to be going out. I don't know if I am actually seeking advice or just opinions.... I thought we were about the same age. My advice would be to "Give it some floor time, see if it plays." Seriously, it takes some time to forge a connection. I don't think it's realistic to expect it to be instant. |
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Post by RO on Feb 2, 2008 14:11:04 GMT -5
Personally, I understand what you are saying. I have never dated a lot of people... I was always just one person at a time... The more I get out there...the more confused I am getting. Maybe it takes time...I don't know. I know it will be different but I need the click...the chemistry... I don't know.  I think jules and lumpy make a lot of valid points. But I still don't know. I am just continuing to be honest...thats all you can do. Who knows? |
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Post by lumpy on Feb 2, 2008 14:40:59 GMT -5
The more I think about what you've written, the more I think you're right. As I've gotten older I've gotten a much better understanding of who I am and what I want. I trust my own judgment now a lot more than I did when I was 25. If you aren't feeling it after a few dates I spose you're wasting your time. That being said, I'd try and downplay or even throwout the online relationship comparison. They are two very different things and I'm not sure they are worthy of comparison.
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Post by goods on Feb 2, 2008 16:06:08 GMT -5
I think all of you are right.  I know I should be getting out, dating. It's not that feelings for my STBXW are holding me back. I just find dating just to be dating can be tedious. Some connections can bridge thousands of miles, yet they can never be a substitute for a warm body laying next to me. |
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Post by Saucy on Feb 2, 2008 20:23:43 GMT -5
kentucky here i come. |
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Post by jules on Feb 2, 2008 21:11:54 GMT -5
I just find dating just to be dating can be tedious. Yup. Makes me sort of miss college when all you had to do was go to the campus bar or one of many parties, pick someone cute to make out with, and then have the option of deciding if you want to hang out with them sober, or just chalk it up to alcohol. |
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Post by kittenhart on Feb 2, 2008 22:18:04 GMT -5
Yup. Makes me sort of miss college when all you had to do was go to the campus bar or one of many parties, pick someone cute to make out with, and then have the option of deciding if you want to hang out with them sober, or just chalk it up to alcohol. ;D hahaha.... the good old days, eh? It seemed so much simpler then. Now it seems like there's all these "rules" and timeframes and mindgames...too confusing. But maybe that's just me. I guess I'm just not ready to get back into it (don't want to get back into it...ugghh.) |
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