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Post by Mod (PQ-Kermie) on Jan 5, 2008 0:15:31 GMT -5
I would much rather see you with your kids my man
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Post by kittenhart on Jan 5, 2008 2:32:05 GMT -5
I'm glad to hear that there has been a shift in how things are going for you all lately. I think the letters to each daughter idea is a good one, but I thought the web blog was a good one too...and you got talked out of that why? After hearing why your older daughter is pissed at you (the two reasons you gave), I have to say that you have your work cut out for you. Reading the diary (maybe) but letting her find out that you read her diary (never) and the whole pants-ing incident is just horrid...that's really hard to recover from even if your mom goes Momma-bear at everyone at the school. I understand your response- let's face it, it's not like any of us get through high school unscathed- but still....poor kid! (Maybe she can repress that eventually?) At least your stbxw is coming around...please just let her be nicer and fight any urge you have to massively retaliate...it only escalates, you know that. You've already seen what results from massive retaliation, yes?
As to being nicer to us here...whatevah, we can roll with it...save your energy for your girls.
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Post by wizer on Jan 5, 2008 8:54:32 GMT -5
please just let her be nicer and fight any urge you have to massively retaliate...it only escalates, you know that. You've already seen what results from massive retaliation, yes? As to being nicer to us here...whatevah, we can roll with it...save your energy for your girls. You know what you're talking about..I already like you. Do I know you?
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Post by kittenhart on Jan 5, 2008 13:36:44 GMT -5
You gave me helpful advice 5 months ago at OJAR....when I had first moved and was a real mess....thanks. I arrived about the same time as mqo (but I'm not her) and we kindof went through the really sh*tty stage at the same time. I don't know you IRL but you know me from OJAR (I'm the Canuck girl that first started the bashing in the thread with CP The Leaver...yes, I was in an unhappy place).
You are farther along in your divorce process than me, but I hope I can give you some useful advice. I think I know a fair bit about the futility of anger.
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Post by tiredofhiscrap on Jan 5, 2008 14:56:22 GMT -5
Some of you know my story. Messy divorce, I havent seen or spoken with my 15 year old since February, my 11 year old since June. They have refused contact, they are blaming me for the divorce and a whole bunch of other things. I am not blameless, I have done my share of yelling and screaming, but I have never been physically/sexually abusive and being cut out of their lives is in no way justified by anything I did when I was living home. That much said, I met with my stbxw in therapy yesterday. She acknowledges that this whole thing has gotten completely out of hand, that the children see me as some sort of "huge monster" and she is willing to do whatever it takes to reconnect them with me. At one point during the session the therapist asked me to call the house and leave a message (the kids were home but they were not going to pick up). He wanted to see how I spoke to them during my calls to the house, which I have been doing 2-3x per week for almost a year. During the call I broke down crying...I completed the call, and my stbxw was crying as well, and the therapist stated how its obvious how much I missed my children. We have a meeting next week at a diner...it sounds weird I know...the therapist, myself, my stbxw, and my children. The stbxw called me last night after the session. She said that when she saw me crying she realized how much I do love them and we should try to work together to get through this divorce as amicably as possible...for the sake of everyone but especially the kids. So...we turned a page. Several more chapters to be written, but its moving in the right direction. P.S. She said that she is having a very tough time with the kids. They dont listen to her, they argue with her about everything from going to bed at night, getting up for school in the morning, and about them chatting with strangers on the internet. She acknowledges that while I was overbearing, at least I kept them in line, and now its like anarchy (thats my word, not hers). The reason that she "took them to Cohen's Optical" was because they refused to come to me, she didn't do it out of spite. It makes sense in a weird, twisted sort of way. (I'm an eye doctor for those who don't know). Hey doc small steps are still steps. I hope everything goes well with your meeting, If the kids see that you are trying to be a part of their lives maybe they will let you in again. I wish you luck!!
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Post by lumpy on Jan 5, 2008 15:01:48 GMT -5
I would much rather see you with your kids my man Seconded bigtime. Your relationship with your kids is a lot more important than your relationship with a message board.
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Post by wizer on Jan 5, 2008 15:49:10 GMT -5
My kids will take priority over internet surfing and even trolling...when they want to spend time with me. At the moment it isnt happening and when it does, I dont expect it to be more than once or twice a week.
When the good weather hits again, I hope my relationship with my youngest is back where it was in June...if so I will spend my days off (Thursdays) and Sundays with her doing outdoor stuff...
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Post by tiredofhiscrap on Jan 5, 2008 17:08:15 GMT -5
My kids will take priority over internet surfing and even trolling...when they want to spend time with me. At the moment it isnt happening and when it does, I dont expect it to be more than once or twice a week. When the good weather hits again, I hope my relationship with my youngest is back where it was in June...if so I will spend my days off (Thursdays) and Sundays with her doing outdoor stuff... Your heart is in the right place, i hope that she sees that!
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Post by angelfire on Jan 6, 2008 20:47:18 GMT -5
Hi idoc,
I don't know you but things look like they are looking up for you and your children. Bravo on all going to see the therapist and being able to talk to your stbxw about the relationship you want with your children. You are making sure their needs come first and that is commendable.
BTW...teenagers take quite a while to get over the anger of a divorce and they usually channel that anger towards the parent that leaves the house. It will get better in time, just make sure you are receptive to their feelings and all will be fine.
All the best
Angel
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Post by wizer on Jan 7, 2008 18:26:11 GMT -5
BTW...teenagers take quite a while to get over the anger of a divorce and they usually channel that anger towards the parent that leaves the house. It will get better in time, just make sure you are receptive to their feelings and all will be fine. All the best Angel AF, thanks... I just called over to the house, and my 11 year old actually chatted with me! Doesnt sound like much to many, but to me its a whole new world. And I spoke to the ex for a while too, keeping it light and friendly. The psychologist was right. The way back to my kids is to be civil with my wife. She's hurt by me leaving, and as long as I can stay friendly (which is extremely difficult for me to do with all the legal stuff), then this could turn out ok...
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Post by tiredofhiscrap on Jan 7, 2008 19:04:12 GMT -5
BTW...teenagers take quite a while to get over the anger of a divorce and they usually channel that anger towards the parent that leaves the house. It will get better in time, just make sure you are receptive to their feelings and all will be fine. All the best Angel AF, thanks... I just called over to the house, and my 11 year old actually chatted with me! Doesnt sound like much to many, but to me its a whole new world. And I spoke to the ex for a while too, keeping it light and friendly. The psychologist was right. The way back to my kids is to be civil with my wife. She's hurt by me leaving, and as long as I can stay friendly (which is extremely difficult for me to do with all the legal stuff), then this could turn out ok... hey doc. You are right, it is sad that you have to be so nice to her but it shows how much you love your children. I am different my kids want me to divorce there dad, they are afraid for me because of his anger.
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Post by pennylane on Jan 7, 2008 19:31:27 GMT -5
Way to go Steve. I'm so glad things are taking a turn for the better. I aways said how your ex's behavior in keeping them away from you was only damaging them. I'm glad she "finally" sees this. Although it's sad that you've lost 10 months with them, hopefully you can regain and rebuild an even better relationship with them. Good luck. It's about time.
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Post by goods on Jan 7, 2008 19:32:48 GMT -5
more flies with honey?
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Post by lumpy on Jan 7, 2008 19:37:42 GMT -5
Everytime. It's kinda hard to see that though when the flies are tossing grenades.
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Post by wizer on Jan 8, 2008 18:17:16 GMT -5
I called the house last night and my younger daughter picked up. The first time in months. She talked to me. Several sentences. First time in months. She said she had a friend over and she apologized for having to get off the phone.
It was like having her back again...like nothing had changed. All because I am now "friendly" with her mom. Yes, honey instead of vinegar. But its scary how much influence she has on them.
After she got off the phone the stbxw got on the phone and we "chatted". About people we knew, things that had happened. Like old times. Weird. For a whole bunch of reasons.
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