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Post by sheyd on Mar 20, 2008 13:38:33 GMT -5
Doesn't feel like it most of the time... and I have so little energy for it - especially lately!  Shey |
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Post by kittenhart on Mar 20, 2008 18:34:28 GMT -5
Aww shey, you do your very best....that is all anyone can do right? I think you should try addressing her lack of sleep issue first before you try an antidepressant. I'm glad you're trying the melatonin. If she's never getting good sleep, that's setting her up to be anxious and irritable. I know doctors never want to give sleeping pills to children, but seem alot more willing to prescribe SSRIs....which have lots of side effects, as I'm sure you know. I think in some cases the sleeping pills have less side effects and allow conselling to work, (because let's face it, exhausted people have reduced reasoning skills as well as reduced temper fuses). You would have to hide them from her and give them out to her nightly, given that she's talked openly about how she "hates her life" etc. You wouldn't want her to have the means to do anything rash in one of her fits. It's such a tough call, to medicate your child....  |
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Post by sheyd on Mar 21, 2008 9:23:20 GMT -5
2nd night in a row of sleeping through the night! Could this be a trend? Could the stuff be working? She seemed tired this morning, more than yesterday, but if she can keep sleeping through the night... I hope this works!
Shey
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Post by jules on Mar 21, 2008 10:45:36 GMT -5
That's great, Shey! Melatonin does work, but I don't know if it's meant to be used long term. Hopefully short term usage will train her body to sleep through the night, which will help issues.
Hang in there...
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Post by sheyd on Mar 21, 2008 10:53:20 GMT -5
I am hoping to not use it long - if anyone has any idea how long to use it, I would be happy to hear it! The studies I saw used it for 3 weeks... most of them stayed with better sleeping habits, including those who discontinued use... what I figure is she won't take them at her daddy's house in a week, that would give her a week and a half - when she gets back we will try without it and see if she stays sleeping well...
Shey
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Post by sheyd on Mar 24, 2008 10:18:46 GMT -5
Last night SUCKED. She was in our room no less than 4 times. By the 4th time I just YELLED at her (at 2 in the morning). She wants us to "help" - what does she think we can do? We offer suggestions, try to work things through verbally, give her permission to go read or watch tv to stop her mind from spinning about how little sleep she will get... I understand how frustrating it is, how scary for her, but she then wakes up and keeps everybody else up with her crying/stomping/yelling... It would be so easy to keep her in my bed, soothing any nightmares, even if I don't sleep - I am not sleeping NOW, so what is the difference? But I won't always be there - she HAS to learn to do this for herself!
I don't know if this means the meds don't work or if it is the fact that she forgot her pill at home when she spent the night at grandmas on Friday, or that she stayed up late Saturday night, or that she sugered out on Sunday... I am not giving up on the meds just yet, we'll see how tonight goes, but last night was REALLY discouraging.
Tomorrow is the counselor - time to get ready for a bit of a war. I think we need to change tactics, and I am not sure the counselor will be on board with this one.
Shey
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Post by RO on Mar 24, 2008 10:27:30 GMT -5
I hope you can get in to see another doctor sooner.
Hold your ground like you plan to with the psychologist.
It is too soon to give up on the meds, Shey. It takes time for them to actually work. The biggest thing is to keep her on a regular routine...unfortunately that is the ONLY thing that really keeps things working...
Sorry, that you are going through such a rough time especially when you are ill yourself.
I hope you find answers and solutions that work for YOUR situation.
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JC
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Post by JC on Mar 24, 2008 10:34:21 GMT -5
YOU are the adult here shey. if YOU cant keep your yelling in check, how can you possibly expect her to?
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Post by jules on Mar 24, 2008 10:34:38 GMT -5
i'm confused -- she wants you to "help" her what? fall asleep? sounds like a discussion worth having with the counselor re: reasonable expectations and behaviors on both parts.
i hope there is no war with the counselor. i hope that the counselor is willing to work with you as a team to best help your daughter.
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Post by sheyd on Mar 24, 2008 10:48:09 GMT -5
Well, here's the thing... I think I need to get tougher on her, and I am not sure the counselor will agree. I think Freckles is right to some extent - she is getting this sense of entitlement - like her life is supposed to be easy. Every time she doesn't get her way, or has to do something she doesn't want to, or can't get something she wants, or feels someone else has more of something - she gets herself worked up. Her life isn't that hard, her tasks aren't that difficult. Even if they WERE horrible, she makes it worse for herself by bemoaning it all the time. I want to teach her to focus on the positive, to learn to do for herself rather than asking others to do it when it is hard, I want her to focus on what she can do for others rather than what others could be doing for her.
The problem with all that is that she already has a hard time expressing when things are bothering her - and I want her to be able to - but I think encouraging her to express it is also encouraging her to dwell on it and in it, and giving her a false impression that expressing it means people can fix it for her. I want her to be able to talk about it - but AFTER she has done a reasonable amount of internal work at MINIMIZING it - rather than working herself up until things are larger than life. I want the open discussion of it, but not the histrionics and extra build up. If she gets this worked up over smaller things, what will happen when something TRULY tragic takes place? Because it will - no life is without sorrow. I want her to be able to remember beauty when all about her is ugly... I need her to see that side, before she can be ready to explore the pain part.
Shey
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JC
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Post by JC on Mar 24, 2008 10:54:04 GMT -5
you will do nothing but alienate her and make her feel worse about herself with this tough love approach you seem to be hell bent on taking.... sorry to be harsh shey, you know i love you, i really do. but i think you expect entirely too much from her. she is a child... people are different... you can want her to be something all day long, and truly believe that you are doing her a favor in the long run... but in the end i dont believe it will help at all....
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Post by sheyd on Mar 24, 2008 10:57:41 GMT -5
Oh, and JC - that was not the first time this weekend I screamed at her.. I just get so frustrated when repeated efforts TO help her wind up with her saying "I can't" "it is too hard" "no one helps me". I am tired of working and asking everyone to work and having her pitch a fit so no one's jobs get done while I deal with her. I am tired of listening to her constant attempts to get negative attention, pushing any button she can "no one loves you mom, they just say they do" - then when she calms down she feels so bad for it, so instead of the work getting done then, it is all about comforting her. This weekend I was too tired, too DONE with that. I made her work during her fit. I cuddled her during her "sorry" phase, but only during breaks and after she finished her job. She was crying as she was sweeping into the dustpan her sister was holding, but she got to get a hug while her sister dumped it. By then I was just SOOOO exhausted. I am so sick of being sick. I am so sick of the constant pull of everyone wanting me or time with me or energy I don't have. I am trying to stay positive, and my life IS really good - but I think my methods need to change, because it wasn't working doing what I was doing. Entitlement needs to STOP. Shey |
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ladyj
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Post by ladyj on Mar 24, 2008 10:58:03 GMT -5
I am with JC on this. She is not an adult and it appears you expect her to understand and behave like one.
The child is confused, sounds scared and reacting with tough love is only going to exaperate the problem.
I think tough love is more suited to a teenager and older.
Yelling at her , no matter what the cirumstances is only going to push her deeper into herself. She needs to be able to feel she can come to you two no matter what. Yes children can be manipulative and yes we are not there living your situation but I firmly believe there is no room for yelling or "spanking" as some parents believe in.
It only instills fear, resentment and confusion.
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Post by sheyd on Mar 24, 2008 11:14:01 GMT -5
She is already LIVING in confusion - she feels out of control. Instead of trying to get that control for and from herself, she wants me to impose it. I can't MAKE her sleep, what am I going to do, tie her to the bed, tape her eyes shut? Give her knockout drops? I give her what I can, advice, a hug, attempt her comfort, but by the 4th time of interupting my sleep - I have no more patience. If she won't do SOME of this stuff for herself, she also has to realize no one can do it FOR her. And sometimes it just won't work. But that isn't a reason to make everyone else's life worse, which is a common theme for Kori. If I am not happy, I will make everyone else miserable.
Yes, she is a very sad little girl, with a lot of anxiety. I want her to come to me to talk, and to get comfort - and I am VERY aware she is just a little girl. But she also HAS to do this for herself, no one can do it for her. Telling her to dwell in and on her sadness is just making it worse. Yeah - I shouldn't yell at her - I realize that - but I also don't think babying her is going to help her do the really hard work of dealing with her own out of control emotions. I can't be there for her forever - she needs to learn to do this for herself. I can HELP, and do try - but I can't do it FOR her. And if she keeps thinking someone can, or that everyone should bend over backward for her, life is only going to get HARDER than I could ever make it.
Shey
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Post by sheyd on Mar 24, 2008 11:26:09 GMT -5
Oh - and one example... I once bought something for her big sister - a little $5 room freshener (she has the fish tank in her room). I didn't buy anything for Kor and she was having a FIT that Kit gets things all the time and she never does. So I went over a couple things that she had been given, over the last month, when her sisters didn't get anything. She was surprised I could come up with things like that. She honestly believed her sister got preferential treatment, because of this little freshener - I cared more about her sister and bought her more things. Actually, in that month I had bought Kori things alone more than either of the other two, and spent more on her. (A couple of hair thingees, because she likes to do her hair). She didn't see it or realize it - because her focus was on ME ME ME instead of counting her blessings or being happy for another person. I should baby her for that?
I can point out good things she gets/has EVERY time she gets negative, and she tries to turn them around somehow. If she can't, then it becomes about how I am just saying that because I am mean or don't care about her, etc. I don't think it is manipulative, I think she really feels that way - but I am not helping her by feeding into it. She gets anxious about things, but if I make a huge fuss about them, aren't I just feeding that it IS a big deal, and that she gets attention by anxiety? Yes, if it IS a big deal - she needs extra time, but when things are blown up so much, I want to have a brief talk, but let her deal with it on her own - with the skills to do that. We have been working and will continue to work on those skills, but she HAS to be willing to do some of the tough work. Yes, she is a kid, but that doesn't change the fact that no one can do this for her, no matter how much I wish I could.
Shey
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