JC
Full Member
Posts: 205
|
Post by JC on Mar 24, 2008 11:59:52 GMT -5
you have to give her coping skills. and im sure the ones that worked for your other girls arent going to work for her. she is different so you will have to find another way.
look how frustrated you get when she interupts your sleep for the fourth time. now amplify that, by not being able to sleep at all and you will understand why she is having these meltdowns in her day to day life. you are expecting her to be able to handle herself with circumstances that you admittedly cant handle yourself....
|
|
|
|
Post by sheyd on Mar 24, 2008 12:13:07 GMT -5
So what do you think I should do then? Just baby her as she works herself up? Allow her to think it is ok to continue to not only make herself worse, but to impose upon every one else around her? Let her think it is ok, when she is upset, to try to get others upset?
I understand how frustrating lack of sleep is - I experience it myself, frequently. Should I wake her up to tell her she isn't the only one? Should I give myself permission to be nasty to everyone the next day because it wasn't my fault I couldn't sleep?
I have been letting her run roughshod over everyone - including herself, because I have been giving attention to her negative behaviors. Yes, she is tired, frustrated, etc. So is everyone else. That doesn't mean we should give permission to be nasty, nor does it mean we should encourage dwelling in the negativity. There are CONSEQUENCES for this in real life. I have been sheltering her. What happens when she decides to wake up her partner anytime she has a restless night? She is being inconsiderate of others, as we all bend to Kori's problems. I don't think that is helping her any more than it is anyone else. She doesn't even like herself when she is a brat. She needs to learn to STOP the negative behaviors, so she CAN like herself. I can't help with that by babying her.
Shey
|
|
JC
Full Member
Posts: 205
|
Post by JC on Mar 24, 2008 12:24:50 GMT -5
no you shouldnt be babying her. if that is what you have done up until this point, well where does that blame belong?
feeding into her negative behaviors isnt going to help at all, yelling at her is another form of feeding into that. you have to figure out what coping skills are best for her. that is going to take time. no she doesnt want to talk about it. she doesnt know if you are there or not. you hug her one minute and yell at her the next. she doesnt trust you to love her and be there for her no matter what. you will need to work with a counselor to see what works for her. and try not to give up when the answer isnt immediatly given. would you be treating her this way if she had some sort of physical problem? if she were in a wheelchair, would you force her to figure it out on her own, and tell her that it is her problem, that she shouldnt be allowed to 'burden' the rest of your family? i suspect the answer is no... you would all as a family have to 'deal' with whatever physical condition she were to have.
|
|
|
|
Post by sheyd on Mar 24, 2008 12:45:46 GMT -5
This isn't a new thing - I have been trying different things for extended periods of time since she was 4!
And YES, if she had a physical problem I WOULD be making her figure it out - with help, but she would STILL have to learn to do it for herself! I would show her how, give her tools, work with her when there are things too tough, but I would NOT be letting her get away with "you do it". And she DOES have the tools to deal with her negativity and anxiety, too - it isn't like she just all the sudden started this and I haven't been helping her. She knows relaxation techniques, has different ways to express it - she hasn't been exactly thrown to the wolves at the first sign of trouble... Actually - that helped a lot - because that is exactly what I need to realize. She DOES have a disability. She needs to learn to utilize what she is able to, instead of us carrying her through it. If she were in a wheelchair, I would give her a ramp, but I wouldn't be pushing her up it all the time, or ask everyone else to do it for her. I would expect her to learn the skills, and utilize them. Then, if she DOES need help to get up that ramp (because she gets an arm cramp or is tired, or sick) she CAN get the attention because she NEEDS it. I need to do that now, too - she is being told the skills, but doesn't seem to think she should have to use them.
I need to be clear that if she wants help, she has to be willing to show she is going to do her part. We have gone over the things to do to help you sleep. Don't wake me up until you have tried them, or need more suggestions. Use the skills you have been taught, first. If she needs them written out in list form, ok. I will help with the skills, but she still needs to use them, and NOT by being walked through it, and NOT by imposing on others to do what they can't even do.
I am feeding into her behaviors by giving them attention. And the yelling is recent, as my patience is gone. She more than knows she can come to me, and totally trusts that. Which is somewhat unfortunate, actually. She uses that to get attention and "alone time" to talk to me - while her sisters rightfully point out that she gets more attention. As for working with the counselor, we have been going 2 years, I HAVE been working with her. However, constantly getting her to talk about how wronged she is, how horrible her life is, is just not balanced. Ok - so she talks about it - then what? Where to go from there? She STILL has to take the steps to get past it, right? It is time to get to the heart of a bigger problem - self-pity. Yes, she has anxiety, and things are tougher for her. She has the love and support, but she WILL have to work harder than most. I am NOT helping her by having us cater to this by constant attention to her fits.
If my kid were in a wheelchair, I WOULD understand occasional griping, or have empathy for the loss and grief, but I WOULDN'T let that become their whole self-identity - I can't here either.
Shey
|
|
JC
Full Member
Posts: 205
|
Post by JC on Mar 24, 2008 13:05:32 GMT -5
but in teaching her how to cope dont you first have to know what is wrong with her?
|
|
|
|
Post by sheyd on Mar 24, 2008 13:15:56 GMT -5
We do. She has generalized anxiety disorder, some OCD symptoms, some stomach issues related to anxiety, sleep issues related to the personality disorder. We KNOW what she has. We even know the coping skills. They are just harder for a 9 year old to use than an adult. That doesn't mean I can excuse her not trying, though.
Like I said, we have been dealing with this her whole life, seriously for the last 5, two different counselors for around 2 years each. This isn't new.
Shey
|
|
|
|
Post by Phoenixx on Mar 24, 2008 13:50:35 GMT -5
Im sorry you're going through this, Shey. My thoughts are with you...  |
|
JC
Full Member
Posts: 205
|
Post by JC on Mar 24, 2008 14:11:27 GMT -5
im sorry you are going through this shey
but im even more sorry kori is going through this.
good luck.
|
|
|
|
Post by rocko on Mar 24, 2008 14:13:01 GMT -5
My family has a ton of depression, bi-polar, suicide stuff running thru it.
Something my mother does...She writes one positive thing each day. She actually writes it in one of those wallet calender things. Maybe you can let her pick out a cute journal and help her write something in it each night before bed.
I have heard TONs of great things about melatonin (I can't spell). It has been recommended for Kyle and his night terrors. I am trying not to use any meds just yet. I rub his feet to bring him out of the terrors.
I have used the physical restraining in the manner you described to protect myself and the other children at the daycare center (this was years ago) and it worked. It isn't abuse and no one gets hurt (except a headbut to the chest-OUCH).
I hope you are able to get everything worked out for her. I wish my mother had talked to and listened to me like you do with her. My parents just talked AT me.
|
|
|
|
Post by sheyd on Mar 24, 2008 14:14:43 GMT -5
Thank you everyone... I know you all have Kori's (and my) best interests at heart... but im even more sorry kori is going through this. Me too, JC, me too... If I could take it for her I would, but I can't... All I can do is get her to deal with it the best she can. Thank you, we all need it. Shey |
|
|
|
Post by sheyd on Mar 24, 2008 14:18:58 GMT -5
It has been recommended for Kyle and his night terrors. I am trying not to use any meds just yet. I rub his feet to bring him out of the terrors. When Kori had night terrors when she was younger, I couldn't soothe her at all - my boss at the time was a psychologist, he told me any touches or input I give her will become part of the nightmare, so even a gentle touch could become in the nightmare either painful or scary. She wasn't really aware of her surroundings at all, and her thrashing gave her quite a few bruises until we learned about the restraint... One thing that DID help, and I can't tell you why - we would restrain her in front of the tv turned on. Even if it was an infomercial, eventually she fixated on it and calmed down, and when she started to really watch it we would know she was awake. Thank god she is done with those, at least! Shey |
|
|
|
Post by rocko on Mar 24, 2008 14:19:32 GMT -5
My friend Jennifer's son has violent tantrums where he tries to hurt himself and break things. I restrain him until he is done...(has taken up to 30 minutes) and then I put him in time-out for acting that way. Sometimes the time-out restarts the drama, but not usually.
His behavior has improved drastically.
He has begun to talk back since he dad quit seeing/talking to him. I am working on that one now. Most recently he spent a day mad at me bc he didn't get to go play games at my house with my 5 year old bc he would talk back to scotty. I told him that. I told him, "I am sorry you couldn't go play the wii and xbox 360 today, but you have been talking back to much and I will not let you treat Uncle Scotty that way." For the next three days, not talking back...I let him come and stay the night.
Anyway. She is taking steps for him to go see a psych.
|
|
JC
Full Member
Posts: 205
|
Post by JC on Mar 24, 2008 14:26:24 GMT -5
We had an appointment Tuesday, but I was so sick I couldn't put coherent thoughts together, and we skipped it. We have one next Tuesday, hopefully then I will learn more about the psychiatrist, too. Sigh. Shey  |
|
|
|
Post by sheyd on Mar 24, 2008 14:31:00 GMT -5
Her fit this weekend she didn't get violent - she threw something once, but that was it. It was just a steady stream of either top of the lung screaming, or a steady stream of "everyone hates you mom, no one loves you, I don't love you" - oh - and she tried out a swear word a few times, which I wasn't about to pay attention to, either - on and on and on - these things were even said rather calmly, after the initial outbursts and screaming. This was because I asked her to help clean (along with her sisters) the dining room so we could color easter eggs. Btw - the room wasn't that messy. I could have done it myself in about 10 minutes, and there were 3 girls. But she was tired, etc. etc. etc. So a 10 minute job took 40 minutes, and a ton of energy. I couldn't ask her sisters to work while she was in there screaming at the top of her lungs, especially since she CAN get physically dangerous. So I let her scream, then told her she couldn't get out of her work with a fit, she was in charge of sweeping, and wasn't going to do anything else until she swept. She ended up sweeping, finally... And no - I didn't yell at her except the first time she screamed, when her sister was right there. I excused her sisters, then told her to go ahead and scream her lungs out. She did a few more screams, but it isn't fun when you have permission.
This was a smaller fit, but big enough. And yeah, she knew she was loved, she felt safe - that is the thing, she does this at home BECAUSE she feels safe. When I ask her why she doesn't have a fit at school she says because then she would have no friends... So she CAN control it, but knows she is safe at home and lets it all hang out (lucky me).
Oh - and Harry is here through all of this. And sticks by me, and helps me... last night he even helped Kori after the screaming ended, and told her about his own insomnia periods, and what he does, and that you CAN survive them... I love that man.
Shey
|
|
|
|
Post by sheyd on Mar 24, 2008 14:33:38 GMT -5
Yep JC - tomorrow is the psych appt. And she is going to start going twice a week now, too- there just wasn't room until next week to fit in the second appt.
Shey
|
|
