you owe me $72, for real this time. that $72 is for answering your call in october against my own better judgment and what my shrink had told me to (not) do just 30 minutes before. i hadn't talked to you in a long time at that point and i missed you. i was feeling frustrated with the way you always treated me and the way i seem to lack control in my life, so i made a session to get my head checked rather than lose the last bit of control i did have and find myself inadvisedly dialing your number. remember how i hit the pumpkin that day? getting my head checked always leads to a good cathartic cry and i feel better. i don't believe in coincidences and we have always joked that we are telepathically linked. when my phone rang right after i got home, i just knew it was you. i laughed and told you that you owed me the $72. you asked why i answered at all and i told you that it is because i still have hope. that was all you needed to hear because it bought you more time. i wish now i had not answered, i wish now that for once you could feel the dejection i feel when you ignore me. i have never ignored you, but the way you ignore me is part of your carefully honed game of manipulation.
you always expect to come back, but you always love to kick me when i am down. you also project all of you repugnant behaviors on other people. i am not you. i am not a liar or a cheater. i am not the emotional game player. i never did the things you accused me of doing- you did those things to me.
i'm going overseas. i had been hesitant to commit to the trip because i knew you would never speak to me again if i went. i know you would also never believe the truth about why i am going or that my relationship with that person is totally platonic. i always thought it was funny that you were so jealous of him. even if i did have a thing for him- who says he likes me? hell, if it were that easy, i wouldn't be hung up on you and it would be pretty dangerous to even leave my house as everyone in the world would be irrationally and magnetically attracted to one another. regardless, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity that i would be a fool to reject. i told you that i was going to live my life fully, i'm not going to pass up opportunities because i am afraid you will be irrationally upset at me. i would reconsider your feelings if you were my boyfriend or even my friend. as it stands, you are just a person you has found me to be an easy target in your sociopathic game of emotional manipulation and abuse.
you think i am mean sometimes. maybe. i know you like to pick on my typing when i am conversing with you. i have told you that i am less conscientious in my informal communication with you. you know what i want to say to you? that you have no idea how to properly use than and then or effect and affect. you cannot spell sense to save your life. i think it is horribly unnecessary to point such things out to you in our casual correspondence. the difference is that in my professional correspondence, i do know how to use the english language, you are at a disadvantage because you still cannot spell properly or use the correct words. i know that you are terribly self-conscious because you didn't go to college and i have found that you like to cut me down and ask me how i made it out of college if i have typos in my emails. you are just dumb. fuck you. i have never cared that you didn't go to college and i never remark on it, but your inadequacy about it turns into an attack on me.
you have asked why i have such poor self esteem. i'm not a big fan of blaming issues of self-esteem on others, but i think much of it has to do with you. i wasn't always like this, much of this has developed since meeting you. it doesn't help when you declare that j never loved me and certainly not like you (whoa! OMG!). what you show me is love superior to what j had for me? no wonder i think i am shit. look what you have given me and told me is good and the real deal? when i looked like a prison camp survivor, you thought i should lose weight. when you caught me eating TWO bite sized candy bars you told me to make sure i didn't get fat (despite the fact that i weighed less at the time than i did when i was 12). you have made numerous asides, comments and suggestions that i might consider a breast augmentation and then went on to say that i would probably feel much better about myself as a result. the only reason i didn't feel good about myself was because you could see my ribs and you kept telling me i was fat and in need of a boob job! i love the way i look! then you fuck some whore with fake tits- yeah, i don't know why i might have self-esteem issues.
you were not physically perfect and i think if i had pointed out your flaws you would have been devastated. but i never would have pointed them out because i know how hurtful it would be and i could never hurt a person i loved in such a callous and gratuitous way. what would it accomplish for me to say i cannot see your abs, why not eat less and work harder at the gym? it would mean nothing because i was in love with the human(?) being inside the corporeal package.
you have impossible standards and they are not standards you hold yourself to. the way you come down on me for everything made me feel inadequate. that is why my self-esteem was in the gutter. upon further reflection, i believe it was only with you. you see the ugly wimp. and when i am with you, i see the ugly wimp. when i am not with you, i feel better about myself.
yes, i had hope: hope that you would change. but you won't change, you will always be abusive and manipulative. you will always hurt me and delight in doing so.
the next time you call, text or email, i will not respond. you cannot expect me to answer you when you will not answer me. of course, i will probably be on my extended trip to ireland at that time.
i thank you for the things i learned about myself. godspeed to you.
i'm even going to stop blaming you for this- it is all my own fault. i am so much smarter than this. i deserve better and you do not deserve me.
this is all my fault. i was going to break up with you a month before we broke up and not for the reason we actually broke up. i was going to stop seeing you because i didn't like the way you lashed out at me when other pissed you off. i truly believed i was just oversensitive for a while, but then i realized you were a selfish and mean-spirited prick. i didn't like your "suggestions" about plastic surgery and comments about my weight and what i ate. i knew then that you were abusive but i didn't actually put my finger on it at the time; i only knew i didn't like it.
you are a mother fucking hypocrite. how dare you imply that i am a whore or unfaithful. you are the only person i have been with since my divorce. YOU are the one who is unfaithful.
how dare you act as if the THREE years of my life that i have given you are not enough? it was three years more than i should have given you.
i am responsible for the way i feel about this. i am so fucking glad this is over. i am so glad you are not here to put conditions on me. i am so gald you are not here to judge me against your insecurities and i am so glad to no longer be judged by the actions of others. you always punished me for what others did to you and you justified your misbehavior because of the way you had been maligned.
your life makes me cry, but i am happy for you that you love it so much. since you love it so much, i can be sure that you are fucking out of my life for good. stay the fuck away forever!
you know how you think i hide behind my email? i have never let loose on you- i should send you this and watch your head spin.
the last things i said to you are not things i regret:
i'm glad this is over and i will not continue to be there for someone who is never there for me.
i really do want the best for you. i want the best for me.
You ex and mine sound like they are cut from the same cloth. You know its poisonous when you feel better about yourself when theyt aren't there than when they are. Never let anyone make you feel bad about yourself - those scars go deep and they last years.
I hope you make it out of this OK. Thinking of you.
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."
thank you , ion. i remember reading about richard and thinking that he is much like my ex. they are toxic people and it is so true that so much of their ugliness is a result of their insecurities and inadequacies. i have never known a person like my ex and i wonder how i got sucked into such a damaging relationship. what is really sick is thinking you will never find another person who makes you feel like x, y and z even when those feelings are not based on reality or when you know the real cost of those feelings.
do you read this? i know you do all sorts of weird shit, and that is just what you tell me about. you probably do read this. maybe not, you would have flown off the handle if you had read some of this; these are my unedited thoughts.
i have said it many times before, but today i truly felt a weight lift off my chest when i said what i said. you really should use your powers for good. no one has ever left me a sputtering mess the way you have. you are a slick talker and even when there are huge holes in your story and inconsistencies in your game, i am still left flabbergasted and tongue tied.
i had never said it before because i am careful about what i say to you, but i said it today and i meant it: i never again want you in my life. i've said it all over this place, and i have said it to myself, but i NEVER SAID IT TO YOU. until today.
and i told you about europe. you didn't care about either, so we are both free and off the hook.
without going into excruciating detail as to why i never want you in my life again, i will list the biggies:
1. i don't trust you 2. i don't believe you 3. you are abusive
they shouldn't even be numbered as they all carry equal weight. i realize that for me to even write this indicates that i am wasting my time thinking of you. i'm over wanting a present or future with you- i'm just processing the past.
i haven't really decided yet if you were a waste of nearly three years of my life. i have decided that i wish it wasn't three years, a year and a half would have been fine. the jury is still out on whether it was a waste.
when i said you were crazy, i wouldn't really admit it to myself. i could see you were crazy in a way that outsiders would definitely think you were crazy, but i didn't really feel that you had crossed the line. now i can admit to myself that you are fucking nuts- i see it and anyone else could see it.
when i said you were abusive, i wasn't really fully ready to admit that you were abusive to me, i could see how others would think you were abusive. i thought that since you didn't physically beat me up or threaten to and since you used the most polite language when you were abusive, it wasn't really abuse. now i can admit to myself that you were abusive. i've said it before, but now i fully accept it.
you have crossed the line. it is dead. all love i had for you is dead. i don't love you anymore.
on halloween i told you that you had lost me a long time ago (i'm sure it was early june). it hurt for me to tell you that and because i still would not admit things to myself, i was afraid to say it. i knew saying it would be a place from which we could not turn around. i still hoped to get back to the place we were when we met, i didn't want to be lost. you are so obtuse and concrete and selfish and egotistical that you do not understand that you don't have to lose me to another PERSON to lose me. all you had to do was be yourself, that is how you lost me. i may be a colossally fucked up person, but i do not need to use someone new to get over someone old.
i've reread that email too many times this weekend. i laugh and think that you are joking or putting me on. however, i know that it was no joke- you were completely serious. you are a sick and selfish fuck. you have lost me and you have lost me forever. i never want to hear from you again. your pathological behavior is incurable and dangerous to what is left of me.
i've realized that my reaction to your email was initially shock. your behavior is really no different than it has been the entire time i have known you and this is not much different than a thousand other incidents between us. the difference this time is that i am smarter and far less emotional now. the more i think about it, the angrier i get.
you are such a selfish bastard. what is your problem? what compels you to want to control my life and at the same time not even be in my life? you don't want to be a part of my life.
i think about where i was when we met: i was going through a messy and seemingly endless divorce, i was living with my parents and couldn't find a job (i was barely looking). what a loser. but you thought i was pretty awesome and you told all of your friends and family about me like i was the second coming. at first, i thought you saw the potential i had and the rough patch i was in. now i realize that you preferred me that way.
you didn't want me to take the other job earlier this year. better pay, better benefits, more stability, opportunities for travel and greater career opportunities. your reason for not wanting me to take the job? you didn't want me to meet new people, specifically, you didn't want to to meet males.
this weekend you asked me not to take my trip to europe. the way you asked me was as if i was MOVING to europe or willingly entering a war zone. you acted as if i was leaving you (but you left me two years ago). i asked for one good reason why i should not go (not that it would have changed my mind). i would have even accepted a bad reason. you could come up with no reason at all. i told you that nothing was keeping me here. you said you thought you were keeping me here. shut the front door! are you kidding me? YOU are not HERE! YOU are someplace else. my god you are a selfish fucking asshole.
the best part is that you think i am going with a girlfriend. you don't even know that i am going to see a friend. how would you react if you paid attention and knew that i was going alone and seeing a friend? i hate you.
he asked me why i cared so much about you and this. i told him that i don't care about you anymore- i am just flabbergasted by the way you treat me. i have never known a person like you and i have never been controlled (nor has anyone even attempted to control me).
i'm not your problem anymore- wake up and see what is really your problem.
please just leave me alone. go away and leave me alone. i don't care anymore. i don't fucking care. i regret everything about you and wish i had not met you. you were a mistake for every minute. when you say you need me, what you really mean is that you need me to indulge your ego. your ego is insatiable.
you never tire of asking of me. you never give. even when i think there is nothing else you could possibly ask of me, you come up with a whopper of a request.
you are interminably selfish.
you have a lot of nerve mocking my wants. i think i see through you. you realize that what i want out of life is not compatible with what you want me to want. instead of compromising or agreeing that we cannot be what the other needs, you mock and attack me. you are surprised by my decisions because you have not been listening. i make no apology for what i want.
you did not hold me back, but holding on to you held me back.
you are right that it is not for you to provide for my needs. don't worry, i will have my needs met and they have nothing to do with you.
i fucking hate you. i want to you to know that. I FUCKING HATE YOU. I FUCKING HATE YOU.
get out of my life. stay out of my life. FOREVER. fuck you. fuck off. get bent. go away. stay away.
Post by redskyatnight on Mar 5, 2009 10:22:47 GMT -5
This guy is a real piece of work. He degrades you to make himself look better. If you stayed with him, you would have become smaller and smaller until you no longer existed. He's still trying to do that to you. He can't stand to see you talking to people, interacting with life, or enjoying yourself.
Don't beat yourself up because you listened to him. I was in the same place and so are thousands of other women. It happens slowly and spirals downward. It takes inner strength to break free of it and you are breaking free. I went through the same bs. Every interaction with him, set me back, but I bounced back a little stronger. (I have to have contact with my ex because of the kids, but I can't wait for the day when the kids are older and I don't have to talk to him ever again.)
As your time away from him increases, you will see more and more just how crazy he is. Stop talking to him. He is nothing but bad for you.
when i said you were abusive, i wasn't really fully ready to admit that you were abusive to me, i could see how others would think you were abusive. i thought that since you didn't physically beat me up or threaten to and since you used the most polite language when you were abusive, it wasn't really abuse. now i can admit to myself that you were abusive. i've said it before, but now i fully accept it..........your pathological behavior is incurable and dangerous to what is left of me.
WOW! Midge, this was like reading something I would have written about my xh. It took me so long to accept that big scary word "abuse", but when I finally did I think I was able to begin some sort of transformation inside my head that allowed me to begin to look forward instead of backward.
I'm sorry you've had to experience this journey, but your gift for writing is truly enjoyable to read.
Keep expressing those "unedited thoughts"....I think it's helpful.
thank you redsky and flyaway. your kind words mean so much to me. i had such a bad day today because of him and it makes me feel so horrible. work is so stressful right now and i have been fighting fires and just trying to keep the company afloat. i have been working 50 hour weeks and haven't been paid since thanksgiving, and i am fine with that- i just cannot deal with him.
i had not had contact with him since last week. i was getting to the point where i felt fine with that (i always feel better when he breaks it off with me because then i have no guilt). he sent me an email on sunday telling me that he loved me and all sorts of bullshit. i ignored it. at lunch on tuesday he sent me a joke email with a message acknowledging that we were not speaking but thought i would like the joke. i was unamused by the joke, i did not respond at all (which i accurately predicted would cause a shit storm) because i was super busy and because i don't like the way he treats me. i woke up this morning thinking it was saturday- that is how insane my life is and how i do not have time for his games. he sent me an email going apeshit about not responding to the joke email. absolutely crazy!! he wasn't mad that i ignored his declarations of love, he was mad that i didn't respond to the joke! obviously the joke was his way of reaching out and he wanted to talk, but he is too proud to say that. he called me names and said i was terrible. he said he was so mad at me but refused to articulate why. i cannot imagine what he would do or say if i went off half-cocked on him like that. i shouldn't have engaged at all, but i felt the need to call him out and defend myself.
now that i am calm, i can see that he is so wrong and so crazy, but i was sick about it all day. i almost vomited and nothing makes me puke except too much tequila. he went off on me all day but refused to answer his phone. he demands a response to a joke email but sends my calls to VM? i told him clearly and explicitly that i wanted him out of my life. again.
when i woke up this morning i looked in the mirror and thought i looked pretty, and i haven't thought that in a long time. i thought about how much i love my job even when i am doing it for free. i felt a little optimistic despite living in detroit and having an automotive job. then his shit. what is wrong with me that i allowed him to treat me like that so long? how can i look at myself and think i am smart and a little pretty and then have him treat me like shit? how is it that i start to loathe myself for the last three years? i know i cannot expect anyone to love or respect me if i don't do it myself. how could i have loved someone who treated me the way he has?
i feel bad for telling him i wanted him out of my life because i would hate to hear those words from someone else. i know those words are long overdue.
he told me that no one would love me like he does. i asked him to clarify if that was because he did such a great job or because i am such shit. i know that is a typical thing for an abuser to say.
now i am struggling to not hate myself and punish myself for the disgust i fell about the last several years.
when i woke up this morning i looked in the mirror and thought i looked pretty, and i haven't thought that in a long time. i thought about how much i love my job even when i am doing it for free. i felt a little optimistic despite living in detroit and having an automotive job. then his shit. what is wrong with me that i allowed him to treat me like that so long? how can i look at myself and think i am smart and a little pretty and then have him treat me like shit? how is it that i start to loathe myself for the last three years? i know i cannot expect anyone to love or respect me if i don't do it myself. how could i have loved someone who treated me the way he has?.
You are compassionate. That's all. You care about how people feel. He took advantage of that and in small increments, he tore you down. It happens so slowly that it is not apparent, but if you look back to the person you were when you met him and the person you became, you can see the difference.
Do Not beat yourself up about it. That will just make you feel worse. Acknowledge that you got involved with a man who needed to tear you down piece by piece. Once you recognized it, you found a way to get out. Congratulate yourself for that.
I want to strongly encourage you not to defend yourself to him, not to call him, text or email. Block his email, if you can, have absolutely nothing to do with him. Each contact makes you feel worse and right now you need to heal and step even further away from your situation. If you can't block his stuff, just delete it without reading it or have a friend do it.
thank you again, redsky. it was a year ago this month (after knowing him for two years) that i realized that it was emotional abuse. i would say that i knew early on that something was not right, but i am a VERY sensitive person and i had attributed most of it to what has often been declared my oversensitivity by others. i would say that many others have been correct in my past about what i am sensitive about and i had noticed in the last several years that i had matured some and become more confident and that the usual triggers were not a problem. when i met him, i think i really wasn't the oversensitive mess that i had been before. so, i was surprised to find myself reacting to him in ways i didn't like. i did also notice that while i thought i was no longer so oversensitive, he was the ONLY person in my life that i was reacting to in that manner. but, since i had no exposure to emotional abuse in anyway, it took a while to click.
it isn't textbook abuse. when i started to make the connections, i was still doubting my conclusion and the possibility that it was true. i wanted to say that since he was always so polite and never aggressive, he wasn't really abusing me. then i blamed myself thinking that my conclusion was based on my oversensitivity and that i was being melodramatic trying to find and answer to explain something that i simply didn't like. and it is no single major event. it is all the little things that add up.
last year, when i was sure that his behavior was abusive, i told him in an email. i wasn't sure if anyone else had made such a suggestion to him before or if it would be shocking news to him. i really expected him to go off on me telling me the problem is all mine and that he is not abusive. he acknowledged the email by saying that i had told him some very hurtful things and his behavior changed for a while.
i know that i cannot defend myself to him and that i don't need to. my problem is that i have been doing that for three years to no avail. he cuts me down more and more without realizing it or caring. he has told me before that i help him be a better person. like many in this situation, i thought i was going to help him fix himself (because that is what he said he wanted). i know that i cannot fix him, but when you are in it, you think you are the one person who will defy the statistic.
i have blocked his emails. i doubt he will call as i told him clearly and explicitly that i do not want him in my life. if he does call, i will send him to VM, just as he effortlessly does to me while demanding a response from me and calling me names. i have made a clear decision to block him completely so that i can heal and move on.
the hardest part is that i really loved the part about him that wasn't such a prick. i have tried to figure out if that part is even real or if it only exists because of the other part of him that is so sick. i have been afraid to get over him because i loved what i loved about him and i really never loved anyone like that. no matter what his problems are, he was the most fantastic and compassionate listener (when he chooses to listen- so not so great, i guess) and a great communicator. those are things that i value so much and had been unwilling to completely throw away. but, he has also squandered me; he has not appreciated me nor has he respected me. i have never felt secure with him. those are all things that are far more important that the little bit of good i felt.
for some reason i feel i have failed him. i have bent over backward doing what he wanted and needed and it wasn't enough and he never did shit for me, and i still feel like the one who failed. deep down, i know i am not the one who failed him- he failed me.