what the fuck is wrong with you people? leave me the fuck alone!
thank you for the biggest laugh in a long time! i thought you were being cunning and smart with your "let me know how it goes comment". sarcastic remark to him? sarcastic remark to me? sarcastic remark to both of us? sheer cluelessness and stupidity on your part? i was giving you the benefit of the doubt. you are as stupid and clueless as i had ungraciously allowed myself to believe. my response to you was sarcastic. nothing but sarcasm. too bad i don't have a stronger stomach, this could be a fantastic girl fight.
that is not an offer to help you- he is a mother fucking booby prize. you didn't win shit. you won a lying sack of shit. that is all you got. i am sorry that you read his e-mail and found something you didn't want to see. i am not ashamed. how dare you come down on me? did you READ that e-mail chain? it is all about his feelings for me and me telling him that YOU deserve better, he should leave me alone and take care of YOU. you still want him after that? all i did in that e-mail was advocate for you. i spent a year talking him into trying to have feelings for you. those two therapist he saw? yeah, you can thank me for that. i talked his ear off about going back to therapy with you. i am done trying to save you two. my superpowers only go so far. i'll start using them for evil.
i cannot control him or his feelings. this is not the first or third time that you have caught him e-mailing people he told you he would not e-mail. i don't know what to tell you other than you are allowing him to get away with it. he does it because he wants to and he can and you serve him no consequences.
when you confronted him yesterday, he called me. i don't know why, i haven't talked to him in over six weeks, when he hung up on me after complaining about his gym menbership. i don't know why he called me. i told him that i would never call him again last night, even though i haven't called him since he hung up on me in early december.
you know what, he called me again this morning. i don't know what he has told you, and i really don't give a fuck. i know he spins this like i am some bunny boiling bitch, but that is not the case. i understand human nature and the natural instinct to try to save your hide. i know that he will make me look like the bad guy and i don't really care, but please keep me out of your fight.
and you. seriously. why did you call me this morning, then send me an e-mail (bcc-ing her, of course) about how you want to heal your relationship and you cannot speak to me? after six weeks you call me out of the blue when busted, i promise to disappear from you life and then to make some false show to her, you e-mail me some bullshit about how i need to go away and let you be to heal your relationship? what is your damage? i thought you didn't want to be there? let her kick you out. or at least be sincere about your desire to heal your relationship and not fucking call me. what the fuck do you want?
by the way, bcc-ing someone on an e-mail is so low and cowardly. what is she afraid of? i am afraid of nothing. i will answer any question she has and would never be such a chickenshit that i would need to hide under a bcc. fucking cc me. she needs to worry a little less about me and a little more about what you are doing.
i was a really unhealthy person when you met me. i only admitted to being mildly maladjusted and insisted that i looked much worse than i was. i often wondered what you saw in me, because on paper, i was nothing to brag about. you really saw something special in me. you saw that i was broken and would be better than before. i still admire that quality in you. now i am healthy.
some time after i met you, you became broken. perhaps you became more broken than when i met you. what ever the case, you were no where near the mess you are today back then. i thought i could fix you. i was SURE i could fix you.
i have often accused you of being incapable of dealing with your emotions. i didn't understand how you were able to help so many other people deal with things and you completely neglected yourself. i realize that you have always dealt with your own emotions differently than the way you help others- you dive into your music. when i get mad that you send me a song attached to an e-mail and you say not one word, i now understand that that is how you communicate your feelings.
you broke my heart, and it isn't in the way you think you broke it. i have been beating you up for a long time about understanding what you have done to me. too often, i am trying to make you feel what i feel. i now understand that there is something much deeper and you are incapable of truly understanding what you have done. maybe one day you will understand, but i cannot get you there, you need to realize it on your own.
you are not the person i thought you were, no matter how vehemently you insist otherwise. i could have forgiven so much from you and i do not know why. i like to think the reason is because i also saw more in you than you show the world. maybe it is my own horribly damaged self that wants to fix you and believe you. i wish i could confront you with what i know, but there is no point. you are so out of touch with reality at this point that you would fly off the handle. even if you kept your cool, you would deny that i have a right to my own feelings. you you probably lie your way out of it and i would continue to believe you.
i told you before that i didn't care what you said (lied) about me, but i would appreciate it not coming right back to me. i told you that i would not expose you or contradict you, as long as i didn't have to see all of your lies. my heart is broken because i thought you were a man who made a mistake. i thought you were terribly conflicted and desperately looking for a way to sort yourself out. i no longer know what to think of you.
i could have accepted that you said whatever you needed to say to me to accomplish whatever it is you now what. i cannot accept that you would continue to lie and manipulate and hurt other people.
you are not the person i thought you were. you only care about yourself. i cannot fix you and i cannot save you. if you have a sick need to hurt other people and hurting just one person isn't enough for you, please leave me alone. i gave you all i had to give and am now all tapped out.
i don't know you and you don't know me. we are strangers. i keep thinking you are the person i met two years ago. i have to remind myself that you are the person who broke up with me a year and a half ago for someone else. i have to remember all that has followed. maybe the person i met two years ago wasn't even real.
i have to remember that you hold me to a higher standard than you hold yourself to. i have to remember that you do not know how to say you are sorry.
i don't know if you are an emotional sadist or dumb as hell. i let you go, but you couldn't handle it. you had your chance, too many chances, but you cannot handle it. you couldn't handle me when you had me and you cannot handle not having me. i went away, but you still try to suck me in and you are so deceitful in doing it.
you may be a stranger to me now, but i certainly know how you communicate. if someone tells you that you have hurt them, you become defensive and deny it. you shut that person down and yourself down. you cannot stand to be called on your shit and you react in the same way as when you hurt someone. i'd like to share a little something with you: we all hurt other people. it is ok to admit to it, to acknowledge it and apologize for it. there is no shame in apologizing to a person you care about or love for hurting them. if you continue to live like that, you will successfully alienate everyone you are close to.
i couldn't accept that you dumped me for someone who dumped you. i couldn't accept that you dumped me for someone you swore you were over. that was a year and a half ago. i now accept that you dumped me for someone else. i now accept that you are a hypocrite and a liar and a cheater. i now accept that i am not the only one and she is not the only one. i accept that if it wasn't me, it would have been someone else (oh, wait! there were several others).
i hope that you can accept that when it comes down to it, this isn't about me. your intense and intermittent "feelings" are not feelings and they are not about me. perhaps a year and a half ago, those feelings were about me, not it is just absurd. you are still miserable and have not taken a look at the last three+ years of your life. i am an escapist fantasy, and a poor one at that, for you. i am not real any more. i am a stranger. you don't know me.
i have always been there to answer your call. when you call me in the middle of the evening asking if i can talk, i am the one who is there. when i call you on your lunch hour to settle this mess you have made, you need to leave for another paczki and random surfing of craigslist. really? seriously? you weren't even looking for anything, but you couldn't speak to me because you had to grab another paczki you don't need? thanks.
i am no longer your emotional parachute. i can do nothing about how you get through the days or nights, but please do not reach out to check my pulse again. i am done with you.
i needed closure from you a year and a half ago because of the way we broke up. i have it. i do not need your permission to move on; you have never sought my permission for anything.
i am so over being mocked by you and denigrated by you and ignored by you. i am so over being invalidated by you. i am so over waiting my turn.
people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. you are quite mistaken when it comes to how perfect you think you are. i'm sorry you don't like the mayor of my city- i don't like him, either! but guess what? i didn't vote for him. i am not moving out of the city because of him (yet). i don't like the way you cast your presidential ballot (twice). should i move to another country? stop worrying about where i live and why. it is none of your business and has absolutely nothing to do with you.
finally- what is your beef with my ex-husband? really. you don't know him, he never did a thing to you. furthermore, you are running a close second to him when one evaluates the damage caused. you have no business (remember? glass houses...). at least he cared enought to set me free. what he did sucked, but he wasn't going to let me die on the vine- he let me go. he had the compassion to do that.
i have been afraid to admit to anyone that you may be an abusive person. i thought it was in my head and that i deserved it all and had it coming (isn't that the hallmark of being abused by an abuser?). you are an abusive person. i have given myself closure: i deserve so much better than you. my bout with self-loathing has ended with this relationship with you.
i'm sorry you dumped me for someone else and you are still a miserable person. it is all about you. not me and not her. take a look in the mirrior if you want to start straightening yourself out.
please stay out of my life. you are skilled at reelinging me in- it is easier than shooting fish in a barrel. go away and stay away. i deserve better than what you are capable of.
please get over yourself. i know you think you had a perfect childhood- what more could a gown person ask for than to be totally satisfied with their childhood? however, it was only perfect for you and not necessarily what would have made anyone else a perfect adult. i know you think that in addition to your perfect childhood, you are also a perfect person, but that is not the case.
you are so lucky to have had a mother who did not work outside the home- is that why your childhood was so perfect and you are so perfect? it appears that she didn't do much work "inside" the home, either. she is a grown baby (is that how she raised her own perfect, grown man-child?). you hold her in such high esteem, but do not seem to have the same high regard for your father who has put up with her shit for 40 years. your mother is a woman who has worked at target for less than a year only when it was the most dire of circumstances but found it to be beneath her- very interesting for a woman who did not go to college and came from such notable lineage to think she was slumming working at a target in the second wealthiest county in the nation. poor woman. she not only cannot cook, but refuses. she does not keep her home. she has unapologeticaly made her husband sleep in another room for 15 years and makes excuses of "woman trouble" as the reason. yet, she still complains that your father doesn't do enough. doesn't make enough. she still has her nose out of joint because she cannot have the life she once had before her husband's career fell victim to the economy and his age. living in her mother-in-law's house for free, sparing her from the indignity of working retail (the real problem there being that she isn't even good enough for that) still isn't good enough. well, learn a skill, get a job, sweetie. make things happen for yourself. i know it is unfair that she has to live in a working class town. i know it is a suburb, and "those people" aren't supposed to be there, but the times, they are a changin'. you do realize that half of my family are "those people," and we actually live in the city proper. what does she think of us? my god.
mad props to your dad for suffering her bullshit for so long. i love it when she tells you that she sometimes thinks about divorcing your dad. it makes me laugh so hard i could cry. what does she think would happen? they barely survive on his income now, and it is well below her standards- does she live in a divorce euphoria where she thinks that she will suddenly end up back where she thinks she belongs? does she know how hard it would be out there for a woman who is more than a half-century old, has no skills, no motivation, no job, can't (won't) cook, can't (won't) clean and won't have normal intimate relations with the man who busts his ass to make her happy? it ain't pretty. good luck to her. as i write this, i realize where you get it.
i always liked your dad. she SHOULD set him free. i bet he would do better than she would.
you know what? my mommy worked. i was a latch-key kid. i wasn't even lucky enough to take a school bus home from school- i had to take TWO city buses. my mom worked OUTSIDE our home and INSIDE our home. she worked everyday AND made a REAL dinner EVERY night. but you are probably right, your mom was a better mom. my mom not only had a job, but a career. so, when you think that is sucks that your family doesn't take a family vacation to a resort, please remember that a fancy vacation for us a children was going up north. please remember that while you were being reared in an exclusive suburb beyond your family's financial means and you were being encouraged to just graduate high school and never taught the importance of higher education (a college degree may be helpful how that your career has stagnated and your peers are passing you by, eh?), poor little me was going to public school and living in an urban wasteland, earning a full MERIT scholarship to a big ten university that has brought me to the point where as a woman, four years younger than you, I MAKE MORE THAN YOU.
you are continuing to repeat your mother's mistake: you now live some place you can barely afford for reasons that offend me. congrats to you. you will be stuck renting because you cannot buy in the community you think you belong in. but the demographic that your children are exposed to is far more palatable than it would be elsewhere. they are so lucky to be able to grow up in their lily-white world where at least the people of color actually OWN their homes when you cannot. you can continue to pass on your feelings of exclusivity and exclusion. i'd like to be a fly on the wall when their bubble bursts just like yours has and their grandmother's has. at least you can say it was good while it lasted.
you are not better than me. you are not better than anyone. it is so sad that you don't see what a hypocrite you are.
one could probably file this under : now she's just starting shit. i won't because i know how this story goes. my freshman year in college i got so fed up with a friend of mine that i told another friend that he was cheating on yet another friend of ours. i knew all of his secrets and the girl i squealed to insisted that the maligned party had a right to know everything i knew. as adults, the nature of the scandal was laughable, but we were a group of friends that originated in grade school. in reality, since there was no possibility of diseases being spread by the alleged indiscretions, none of it needed to be exposed at all. but, i told all i knew. and guess what? i was accused of being a liar and having made it all up (as if i was that creative) and angling to steal the dude i exposed. i also lost as friends the boy and the cheated-upon girl. they got married and had two kids. and twelve years later, he still says i made up the story and she still believes the scumbag. so, i have learned that unless someone's life is at risk, there is no need to tell anyone's business unless it is my business.
the e-mail you sent me really upset me. i cannot believe you believe his shit, but that is not my business, it is yours. i cannot believe what he said about me and that you believed it so easily- but that is your business. it is ok if he said i am nothing, and it is ok if you believe that i am nothing. i see him for what he is and i want nothing to do with him. it is funny when he says i mean the world to him. it is an odd way to treat a person who means the world to him. i would hate to see how he treats lesser individuals.
i told him that i read your e-mail. he went ape shit, which did not surprise me. he wasn't mad because he wanted and end to the drama- he was mad because he was lying to you and continuing to contact me with his lies. he was mad that i heard from you that he said that he was lying about having feelings for me and using me for advice (a cover story that would make sense to cover a physical relationship- but we didn't have a physical relationship. i mostly DID advise him to straighten his head out and get back to the dr. advice he did not seem to use.). he was mad that i heard from you that he told you that he is terrified that you will leave him (when he tells me that he wishes you would cheat on him and leave him again). he opened this can of worms by sending me an admonishing and bogus e-mail to me and bcc'ing you on it. i don't know why he thought we wouldn't speak after he put us both on the same e-mail.
listen sweetheart, your dog is off his leash again. i know i said that i would bcc you if he e-mailed me again, but you don't know me that well- i was ragingly sarcastic when i said that. it is not my business. and it is only me. who knows who he is actually fucking around with (did you know that he works with someone he just sleeps with? yep. don't worry, that one is/was just physical). when i told him that we had been in contact, he said he could never trust me or you again. precious, isn't it? HE cannot trust me or you because i read and responded to an e-mail after he gave you my e-mail address? he is pathological. he hasn't done anything wrong.
so, while he is talking out of both sides of his mouth, he went and set up a secret e-mail account to CONTINUE to contact me. yep. i should give you the address, i'd love to see the look on his face when he sees your name in the inbox of an email account you are supposed to be unaware of. i could show you all of the e-mails he has sent me that would either disprove that i am nothing or prove that he has gone to a lot of effort for some free advice fromn an unqualified source. i won't, however, because i have nothing to prove to you and i know it will only hurt you and accomplish nothing. as in college, i will go down as the liar with an axe to grind.
i hope you don't waste yourself. i was only friends with him. it is true that i was not over the feelings i had for him, but we were only friends. he didn't mess around with me- he messed around with other people. if you want to believe what he told you, fine. i wish you were smarter than that. i wish i knew why you fight so hard to keep him (nevermind, i fought really hard to keep my cheating ex-husband). please at least be smarter. i would tell you all of this if i thought there was a good reason. i would tell you now if you asked, but it wouldn't really matter because he is a skilled liar and skilled at getting what he wants. it would turn into my word against his.
i am not the problem. he is. i want him to go away and leave me alone forever.
i fucking hate you. i hate your victim mentality. i hate that you think you are the victim when you are the victimizer. i hate when you say "you're acting like so-and-so" when you don't like something i have done. i hate that you think that that would hurt me or insult me or offend me. it offends me that you mean it as an insult. what i did was normal human behavior (unrecognizable to you due to your status as a non-human). i tried to apologize immediately for what i said, only because it hurt you but not because it was the truth.
yes, when you were unavailable or ignoring me, i called someone else. you were my first choice, but you were unavailable. so, i called someone who was available, who has always been available, someone who was a friend to me before i met you. someone who is only a friend and will always be only a friend.
i know i am smarter than this, but i keep forgetting. you think i am sad and vulnerable and will fall into the arms of anyone. you do not believe this because it is my MO, you believe this about me because it is how YOU operate. i was vulnerable when i met you, but that was just a coincidence- i didn't fall for any of the people who saw me as low hanging fruit before you came along. before you came along, i had a shred of self-respect. and, since you have been gone, at a time when i was more vulnerable than before and almost willing to self-destruct just to spite you, i have done nothing that should upset you. no, i will not give up friends for your silly reasons (yes, gender alone is a silly reason)- i did that with my ex-husband and he took off later. so, as i see it, giving up friends for another person's insecurity accomplishes nothing. i should have kept the friends.
i need a new business opportunity, so i would like to know the secret to how i became so perfect in your eyes and have remained perfect for years. i did nothing to warrant it, i don't even want it. i want you to see me as perfect as i am, not perfect as long as i don't [fill in the blank]. why must i be held to a standard above all others? why must i be held to a standard that you don't hold yourself to (because you are an abusive prick)? who do you even TRY to be perfect for? furthermore, my transgressions are so slight- what would happen if i made a REAL mistake.
i made a real mistake telling you that. i knew that telling you i called someone else would hurt you. that was just plain mean of me, i know that. but seriously, this wouldn't be a problem if you were available. you cannot store me in a vault, you cannot lock me away from others; you cannot live in a fantasy world here you think you are a part of my life but become upset when other people fill the voids left in your absence. funny, the part you are upset about is just FRIENDSHIP. fuck! what will happen when you realise that i am a young woman in my personal and professional prime that has a lot to offer and has given up on the fantasy of you returning only to dump me/cheat on me again? i won't tell you, of course. i'll let you figure it out on your own.
i'm done with this. i'm done with my chaste existence. i think what i once felt for you is dead and it makes me sad- i wanted it to last forever. how long could i expect it to last when it was directed into the abusive, selfish black hole that is you? despite your abuse and manipulation and abysmal selfishness, what we had long ago, in the beginning, was fantastic, unexpected and likely impossible to replace. maybe it should all be legitimately negated due to your abusive personality- i don't know as i'm no expert- but you are the first (and last) abuser i have ever been involved with. maybe nothing that i thought was wonderful about was real because you are not real.
i could never have met your expectations and i always knew that. however, i never imagined how easy it would be to fall. have you thought i was so perfect because i have allowed you to treat me so poorly for so long? do you think i am so perfect because i allow you to behave so dastardly without accountability?
i was never perfect, just human. i just want to be seen for who i am, not what you think i am.
i'll probably call my friend again tonight. he's not perfect, either. you won't be around to take my call.
you will live in your emotional prison for as long as you impose such ridiculous expectations on others. you will remain there until you begin holding yourself to a few standards.