hug this

[redskyatnight]

I don't understand how I got sucked up into my emotionally abusive relationship either. I tried to understand it for a while, but finally gave up. I took what I learned and try to use it everyday to identify similiar traits in men I meet. Then I know to stay away from a relationship with them. It is a continual process, but I'm much better these days. You'll get better these days.

[midge]

when you wonder why i don't call, it is because you were never there. you could never be counted on when i needed you and you pushed me away during your good times and bad times. i often wondered why you tried so hard to keep me if you didn't want me to share the highs or the lows. what did you want me for at all?

i remind myself that you ignore phone calls and you ignore emails, there is no point in calling. i remind myself that i sat alone in a hospital while both of my parents were in surgery and my SIL had a miscarriage- all at the same time- and you were not there. i remind myself that i've been stranded and that you would not help me. i remind myself that you sold me out and threw me under the bus.

i was thinking about all the things that have happened that i did not like. i try to look critically at it, and i still think that, even for all my faults, you were worse. i was telling a friend about how it ended and i had to laugh because my deal breaker was you forgetting/ignoring my birthday for the third year in a row. all the fucked up, backwards bullshit, and my birthday is the deal breaker. i hope you are still alive, because you being dead is about the only reason i can imagine you being unable to call/text/email a birthday greeting. i was the person you said you loved to the end of the earth and with all your heart and soul, it's kind of odd that you couldn't remember by birthday of all things. i never forgot a birthday or anniversary. i never forgot a doctor's appointment or a presentation you had. the reason it was a deal breaker is because the day before you were still demanding a place in my life that you did not deserve. you were demanding my attention, you were demanding a response. you had a place in my life, you had my attention and you got the response, but could remember my birthday. you are a selfish fucking asshole in addition to everything else.

i said you would be replaced and should be replaced. i have thought that was out of line, but i remember how you have abused me, how you have forgotten me and ignored me and realized that it was not out of line and it was not mean.

you deserved nothing.

[midge]

i want to tell you what a selfish jackass you are, but it would make no difference. you're a selfish jackass, you wouldn't understand what i'm saying.

you hurt me and you hurt me badly- i want to hurt you back, but you are subhuman and incapable of feeling anything. any effort to hurt you would be a waste of my energy.

i hate you. you always said you disliked my anger but appreciated it because it meant i still felt something for you. what a prick.

you are a scumbag asshole. i wish i had never met you. i fucking hate you.