Post by shattered on Oct 28, 2008 14:58:42 GMT -5
F-ck.
F-ck.
F-ck.
I don't have the energy to describe in detail what happened last night (there had been a build-up), and there are so many stupid little aspects to this whole mess.
The bottom line is that while, yes, I believe the French guy loves me and is sincere in his intentions, there are sooo many little inconsistencies all the time about all sorts of stuff, that they totally feed my insecurities.
Last night my insecurities and fears (about him changing his mind about us) got so bad that I asked him, pretty much out of the blue, whether he still wants to do "this" -- meaning, getting a new visa, coming back to D.C. to be with me.
I was just feeling pathetic and insecure and was looking for some reassurance from him.
What I got is that he absolutely flew off the handle, yelling at me in shock and outrage about how I could possibly ask him something like that.
That I was being offensive and insulting and hurtful. Then he started listing all the things he supposedly did "for me" and said that he knew he had promised me he'd be patient with me (I had told him in Paris, that I am struggling with sometimes-irrational anxieties, and that they express themselves in not-always rational ways) -- "but not like this."
I immediately realized how my question to him could be taken as offensive to him and apologized, sincerely, right away. I reminded him that my fears and worries don't always make sense, that I never meant to offend or hurt him, that I was just looking for some reassurance, and to please not be mad at me anymore.
He just kept ranting.
On and on and on. I just sat there crying, wondering what happened to the sweet man who adored me so much.
Then he asked me why I was crying and, and I said, why do you think I'm crying? Because you're yelling at me and I'm incredibly hurt.
His response? "Oh, so just because I'm not crying, I'm not hurt??"
I said, "No, of course not! I never said that!"
He says, "But you meant it"
OMG!!!!
Am I crazy or is he?? He is forcing intentions and motives onto me that I never had!!
I told him I realized what I said initially was stupid, and I'd try not to ever do it again, but that he needed to stop punishing me for it and twisiting my words.
We went on like this in circles for more than two hours before he became at least somewhat warm again.
Then, he became totally positive, saying he's so glad we had this talk, because communication is so important. I said that I felt more miserable than ever, and that I didn't think two hours of me sobbing while he ranted was a "talk" and that I was very concerned about the state of our relationship.
THEN he started giving me all the reassurances that I had wanted to hear to begin with.
But by this time, after these two miserable hours, I was so frantic with fear that he will leave me, that the Messiah could have descended from heaven, and it wouldn't have been enough to reassure me.
We then kissed a little bit, and went to bed. He seemed all nice and normal, and we snuggled and then even had sex. Then he fell asleep, seemingly not a care in the world, while I lay there seething with anger, hurt, and resentment.
I am angry at him and angry at myself. I am angry at him for being disrespectful and cold toward me -- and I am angry at myself, for, just two and a half months into the relationship, already giving up all my power and having placed myself into a position of sniveling, groveling weakness.
JUST LIKE I DID WITH MY EX!!!!!
WHY, WHY, WHY CAN'T I KEEP IT TOGETHER?
?
WHY AM I THIS PATHETIC???
I cannot explain how miserable I am.
Tonight we're going to see the immigration attorney together. Appointment isn't until 8:30.
I asked him if he'd like to come pick me up at work, and we could have a beer at this great place right by my office that I'd told him about, and then we could go straight to the lawyer from there -- and he told me no, because he doesn't want to leave his cousins early.
These are the same cousins that he spends *every day* with, Mo - Fri, from morning to evening, while I am at work. Which is great. But how can he then say "no" to leaving them *two hours* earlier just *once* to spend the time with me??
F-ck.
I think he is being weird and unfair and inconsistent about a lot of stuff - and I am being just plain weird and pathetic. Like I'm not fit for life. I just can't get a grip.
Hoodie, I may have to call you tonight if I get home early.
I'll have plenty of alone time -- he'll still be with his cousins.
F-ck.
F-ck.
I don't have the energy to describe in detail what happened last night (there had been a build-up), and there are so many stupid little aspects to this whole mess.
The bottom line is that while, yes, I believe the French guy loves me and is sincere in his intentions, there are sooo many little inconsistencies all the time about all sorts of stuff, that they totally feed my insecurities.
Last night my insecurities and fears (about him changing his mind about us) got so bad that I asked him, pretty much out of the blue, whether he still wants to do "this" -- meaning, getting a new visa, coming back to D.C. to be with me.
I was just feeling pathetic and insecure and was looking for some reassurance from him.
What I got is that he absolutely flew off the handle, yelling at me in shock and outrage about how I could possibly ask him something like that.
That I was being offensive and insulting and hurtful. Then he started listing all the things he supposedly did "for me" and said that he knew he had promised me he'd be patient with me (I had told him in Paris, that I am struggling with sometimes-irrational anxieties, and that they express themselves in not-always rational ways) -- "but not like this."
I immediately realized how my question to him could be taken as offensive to him and apologized, sincerely, right away. I reminded him that my fears and worries don't always make sense, that I never meant to offend or hurt him, that I was just looking for some reassurance, and to please not be mad at me anymore.
He just kept ranting.
On and on and on. I just sat there crying, wondering what happened to the sweet man who adored me so much.
Then he asked me why I was crying and, and I said, why do you think I'm crying? Because you're yelling at me and I'm incredibly hurt.
His response? "Oh, so just because I'm not crying, I'm not hurt??"
I said, "No, of course not! I never said that!"
He says, "But you meant it"
OMG!!!!
Am I crazy or is he?? He is forcing intentions and motives onto me that I never had!!
I told him I realized what I said initially was stupid, and I'd try not to ever do it again, but that he needed to stop punishing me for it and twisiting my words.
We went on like this in circles for more than two hours before he became at least somewhat warm again.
Then, he became totally positive, saying he's so glad we had this talk, because communication is so important. I said that I felt more miserable than ever, and that I didn't think two hours of me sobbing while he ranted was a "talk" and that I was very concerned about the state of our relationship.
THEN he started giving me all the reassurances that I had wanted to hear to begin with.
But by this time, after these two miserable hours, I was so frantic with fear that he will leave me, that the Messiah could have descended from heaven, and it wouldn't have been enough to reassure me.
We then kissed a little bit, and went to bed. He seemed all nice and normal, and we snuggled and then even had sex. Then he fell asleep, seemingly not a care in the world, while I lay there seething with anger, hurt, and resentment.
I am angry at him and angry at myself. I am angry at him for being disrespectful and cold toward me -- and I am angry at myself, for, just two and a half months into the relationship, already giving up all my power and having placed myself into a position of sniveling, groveling weakness.
JUST LIKE I DID WITH MY EX!!!!!
WHY, WHY, WHY CAN'T I KEEP IT TOGETHER?
?WHY AM I THIS PATHETIC?
??I cannot explain how miserable I am.
Tonight we're going to see the immigration attorney together. Appointment isn't until 8:30.
I asked him if he'd like to come pick me up at work, and we could have a beer at this great place right by my office that I'd told him about, and then we could go straight to the lawyer from there -- and he told me no, because he doesn't want to leave his cousins early.
These are the same cousins that he spends *every day* with, Mo - Fri, from morning to evening, while I am at work. Which is great. But how can he then say "no" to leaving them *two hours* earlier just *once* to spend the time with me?
?F-ck.
I think he is being weird and unfair and inconsistent about a lot of stuff - and I am being just plain weird and pathetic. Like I'm not fit for life. I just can't get a grip.
Hoodie, I may have to call you tonight if I get home early.
I'll have plenty of alone time -- he'll still be with his cousins.
