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Post by jules on Jan 18, 2008 15:46:20 GMT -5
I really am fascinated by the responses to an above thread re: how to react to a partner's suspicious activity. Maybe we can discuss it theoretically here?
It seemed like the majority way of thinking is "don't nag" a partner who's been caught not being truthful, acting secretively, etc. So what is the balance between not being a "nag" and not just shutting up and taking it or pretending it isn't happening?
goods, you said to treat the cause, not the symptom. Which makes sense. But what if you don't know the cause? What if your partner doesn't tell you?
I'm not trying to be argumentative -- really. I'd like to learn from mistakes I may have made. Is it just ridiculously idealistic to think that you can be your complete true self with your significant other, even if that means showing him/her you are upset or bothered or jealous? Wouldn't a loving partner want to assuage your fears rather than be alienated by them?
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Post by blazinheart on Jan 18, 2008 15:59:10 GMT -5
People lie. Everyone's lied in their life. If a spouse lies, let them know it's not ok, that 's it's hurtful, discuss it, then let it go. And maybe the next time you get caught in a lie, you won't get raked over the coals with the 3rd degree.
To the issue of nagging. Nagging, imo, is simply unacceptable. The quickest way for a woman to get rid of me, is to nag me. Nagging will get you guaranteed results with me. I guarantee you, if you nag me, you won't be seeing me again for awhile, if ever.
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Post by goods on Jan 18, 2008 16:03:21 GMT -5
What I was trying to convey was that she needs to focus on the cause of the problem. I spent time focusing on the symptoms, trying to catch her lying to me, etc etc.... Those were wasted months as far as the relationship goes. It did nothing but make things worse. I am all for being direct, having an honest conversation, but once that happens, the ball is in the other person's court. If they choose to continue down the path that leads them from the relationship, it is going to happen and she can not stop it by checking up on him. At some point he was attracted to her, she to him. Something changed... All I am saying is figure out what has changed, if something has gone wrong and focus on that.
For my part, I changed... I lost myself, I became complacent. I will be damn sure not to let that happen again. Whoever I end up with, she will have to be strong, independent, brutally honest and brutally affectionate. I plan on making open discussions a regular thing. No distractions...no TV during dinner, no TV in the bedroom. When I am with her, I want to be 100% there. For a time I was on auto-pilot cruising through my marriage.... that will not happen again. Life is too short, finding someone you CONNECT with, are passionate about, can be completely open and honest with is what life is about.... it can be amazing. No more cruise control, I want to challenge her, I want her to challenge me, when I grab hold of her I want the rest of the world to fade away.
Hmmm sorry if I got a little off track there.
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Post by jules on Jan 18, 2008 16:07:51 GMT -5
Maybe I just don't understand the definition of "nagging." I mean, I understand that it's annoying hammering the same damn thing over and over, especially after being told to back off, but is wanting to discuss it nagging? Especially if the same behavior keeps reoccuring?
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Post by jules on Jan 18, 2008 16:10:41 GMT -5
I will be damn sure not to let that happen again. Whoever I end up with, she will have to be strong, independent, brutally honest and brutally affectionate. I plan on making open discussions a regular thing. No distractions...no TV during dinner, no TV in the bedroom. When I am with her, I want to be 100% there. For a time I was on auto-pilot cruising through my marriage.... that will not happen again. Life is too short, finding someone you CONNECT with, are passionate about, can be completely open and honest with is what life is about.... it can be amazing. No more cruise control, I want to challenge her, I want her to challenge me, when I grab hold of her I want the rest of the world to fade away. Hmmm sorry if I got a little off track there. Don't be sorry. I understand. In fact I was (literally) laughed at for expressing that I wanted very many of those same things.  |
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Post by Saucy on Jan 18, 2008 17:02:50 GMT -5
A woman's #1 flaw, shutting the f*ck up when you need to. There's only so much you can do to be heard. obviusly if he didnt hear you the first time, and the same problems keep recurring, that only leaves you one thing left to do, leave. And that right there is the hardest thing to do. i guess you would have to know when enough is enough. BTW Jules, good thread topic  |
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Post by blazinheart on Jan 18, 2008 17:11:52 GMT -5
A woman's #1 flaw, shutting the f*ck up when you need to. There's only so much you can do to be heard. obviusly if he didnt hear you the first time, and the same problems keep recurring, that only leaves you one thing left to do, leave. And that right there is the hardest thing to do. i guess you would have to know when enough is enough. Or you can just learn to deal with it. It ain't like women are perfect either. Sorry that men don't hop to every time you snap your fingers, but it's not like you do everything we want you to do either, we just don't nag you about it. It's all about being wise enough to pick your battles. |
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Post by Saucy on Jan 18, 2008 17:23:29 GMT -5
very true blaze.
i do believe to pick your battles. and that i've sorta mastered.
But it gets a little frustrating when all you want is for that person to be humble to your feelings and not such a dam dick.
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Post by sheyd on Jan 18, 2008 19:28:31 GMT -5
And there is more to it than that, too. If someone's behavior is affecting you - lets say financially - you can't just "shut up and accept it". If someone is spending like crazy (not Harry's prob, btw) they are taking resources from the rest of the family. The discussion not only needs to happen, but actions need to change. The truth is, financial is easy to see, but there are other ways people sharing a life AFFECT yours - and you can't just ignore it - particularly when there are kids involved.
I think, if you are getting "nagged" there is a reason. There is something that isn't dealt with or negotiated in the pair. Totally ridiculous to assume you can just "let it go". Yes, you right, the other choice to nagging is to leave... but that isn't good either. The truth is, a relationship means compromise and working together, which means no one is going to be perfect, but together means you HAVE to work things out... So if you don't want "nagging" listen and negotiate the first time. If you don't want to nag, say it once and EXPECT that they will work with you. If they don't, that is a new issue. Communication is the key - on BOTH sides. Which means LISTENING and being open. Without that, it is all pretty horrible.
Shey
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Post by jules on Jan 18, 2008 19:57:11 GMT -5
I agree with you, sheyd (as usual.) This issue hits really close to home for me. In my case (once my marriage had started to go down the toilet) it came out that he'd been complaining about my nagging him. About? Getting a job. After supporting the two of us and putting him through school. So it was something that affected me and I couldn't just let it go. And it wasn't like I was saying every day "get a job," it was more like forwarding him job listings that might interest him, encouraging him to go to his university's career development office, offering to help him with his resume... all of which he seemed receptive to, but then bitched about it later behind my back. If "shut up and take it" is what being in a relationship means (and I'm not talking about little stuff, but big life-affecting stuff) then I guess I'm better off single. |
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Post by RO on Jan 18, 2008 20:19:38 GMT -5
Umm...I think men are capable of nagging too...
I think it is a 2 way street. Bottom line...it takes a lot of hard work to keep a relationship sustainable and to meet each other's needs. Finding someone that you connect with is only the first step... I, myself, hope to take that leap of faith again...
I know the subject has come up on previous older threads about honesty in a relationship...and how much honesty there will be.
I know my expectations have changed due to my experience and I am open about that...I expect the man to be as well.
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Post by blazinheart on Jan 18, 2008 21:44:02 GMT -5
I think, if you are getting "nagged" there is a reason. There is something that isn't dealt with or negotiated in the pair. Totally ridiculous to assume you can just "let it go". Yes, you right, the other choice to nagging is to leave... but that isn't good either.... So if you don't want "nagging" listen and negotiate the first time. If you don't want to nag, say it once and EXPECT that they will work with you. If they don't, that is a new issue. Communication is the key - on BOTH sides. Which means LISTENING and being open. Without that, it is all pretty horrible. Shey Shey, you have always struck me as a rather controlling person, so it doesn't surprise me that you're probably a nag. So.... New flash for Shey: Not everything you think is important is truly important. Not everything you want to nag about is worth nagging about. Just because you feel like nagging, doesn't mean you should. Sometimes, you just need to shut up and let it go. I know, it may be a foreign concept to you, but you will find that it actually works. |
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Post by finding on Jan 18, 2008 21:44:24 GMT -5
I am so sick of hearing about a woman's nagging and how it drives a man away. It seems that women are supposed to just shut up and accept things the way they are and not have an opinion.
It's just an excuse on the man's part to block the real issue and put the blame back on the woman. I've seen it many times before, a woman asks a simple question and gets lambasted for nagging. It's easier to point a finger than admit there is a problem.
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Post by blazinheart on Jan 18, 2008 21:52:51 GMT -5
It's just an excuse on the man's part to block the real issue and put the blame back on the woman. The real issue? Maybe it's the real issue to you, but maybe the reality is, it's meaningless b.s. Maybe all these "important" things you need to nag us about aren't important. Maybe you'd be better off just finding one of your girlfriends to talk to. Men don't need that crap. We're not women, we don't care about all the little problems and issues going on in your minds. Men are simple, and our demands tend to be fairly simply as well. I recommend that any man that's in a relationship with a woman that nags should get out and stay out. There are 2 kinds of women in this world, those that nag and those that don't. Nagging creates conflict, and a relationship that operates in an atmosphere of conflict brings misery to everyone. |
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Post by jules on Jan 18, 2008 22:08:06 GMT -5
It's just an excuse on the man's part to block the real issue and put the blame back on the woman. The real issue? Maybe it's the real issue to you, but maybe the reality is, it's meaningless b.s. Maybe all these "important" things you need to nag us about aren't important. Maybe you'd be better off just finding one of your girlfriends to talk to. Men don't need that crap. We're not women, we don't care about all the little problems and issues going on in your minds. Men are simple, and our demands tend to be fairly simply as well. I recommend that any man that's in a relationship with a woman that nags should get out and stay out. There are 2 kinds of women in this world, those that nag and those that don't. Nagging creates conflict, and a relationship that operates in an atmosphere of conflict brings misery to everyone. Yeah, you're right. Employment, finances, communication, health -- all meaningless bullshit. Seriously. If you were involved with a woman who decided to quit her job, never leave the house, never get dressed, and eat bon bons all day long, would you consider that meaningless bullshit? Or would you try to talk to her about what was going on? And how would you do so in a way that wouldn't be "nagging"? |
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